If the Fates Allow
by evitascarlett
Summary: A story from the Redemption/Tuesdays with Johanna Universe: Christmas was the hardest time of year for the Becketts but it was supposed to be different this year…this year there was McKenzie…but things don't always go as planned. Sometimes you have to let go…sometimes you have to move on…and sometimes you discover that Christmas is what you make it. Castle Winter Ficathon 2019
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: So, here we are again, another holiday offering. I haven't forgotten the other stories, I'll get back to them, I just enjoy doing a Christmas story every year. I hope you all enjoy this one. It's McKenzie's first Christmas!_

Chapter 1 

The most sure fire way to make sure that a Friday was going to move slowly was to be watching the clock…and Kate Beckett was watching it, counting down until that magic moment when her shift would end and her Christmas vacation would begin. She just had to suffer through six more hours…six more boring, paperwork filled hours. She sighed deeply, she wasn't sure she'd make it…all she wanted to do was go pick up her baby and go home and cuddle her for the next two weeks. Of course in the process of picking up her baby, she'd have to inform her mother that her three days a week of baby cuddles were temporarily suspended due to her time off and she imagined that it wouldn't be an entirely pretty conversation. No, she didn't imagine that her mother would like the news…it wasn't exactly a gift that screamed 'Merry Christmas, Grandma'…but on that note, they didn't do gifts anyway. Well, at least not between herself and her mother…she was sure that there was probably a pile of gifts hidden somewhere in the house with McKenzie's name on them. In fact she was positive of it, if there was one thing her mother enjoyed besides baby cuddles it was shopping for her granddaughter.

There was a pile of gifts hidden at the loft with McKenzie's name on them as well…and still some to be delivered…and most likely as she finished up her shopping, more to be bought. They were probably spoiling her but it was her first Christmas…and she was her first baby and she couldn't find it within herself to say no when she saw something else she thought her baby might like. The space beneath the tree would be piled full…but then again, it already felt like the loft was piled full due to her husband's overabundance of Christmas decorations. She sighed a little; sometimes she worried they'd lose McKenzie in the melee of decorations now that she was crawling. He just wouldn't hear of streamlining for a more elegant, less cluttered look when it came to Christmas décor. Sometimes she felt like she could smother from all of it; they had some beautiful things but it felt they were lost in her husband's need to overdo things. Castle hadn't been thrilled with her idea of cutting back for the streamlined look she was accustomed to in her family…in fact he had looked at her in horror and told her that if you weren't going to do it right, you shouldn't do it at all…so their home looked like an explosion of a Christmas themed store and come Christmas morning it would probably look like a toy store had relocated at their home do to her sudden love of shopping. Kate breathed deeply…sometimes the season still wasn't easy for her. Sometimes she still hated it a little.

"So, I was thinking," Castle said as he settled down in the chair next to her.

"That explains the smell of wood burning," she replied lightly.

"Watch it, you don't want to end up on Santa's naughty list this late in the game," he quipped.

"I'm not worried," Kate remarked; "I feel like I'm safe this year…Santa wouldn't blacklist a woman who went through childbirth earlier in the year."

"But why tempt it?" he asked.

"True," she said with a nod; "So what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking, since you have time off, why don't we go to Vermont for Christmas?" Castle answered.

Her brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Vermont? Why?"

"Well Alexis has mentioned that she wants to go skiing and we haven't been skiing in awhile…so I thought what better time to go? I'm sure Mother will look after McKenzie when we want to take our turn on the slopes."

"But for Christmas?" she asked. "I don't know, Castle. What are we supposed to do about the gifts? I don't really want to haul all of McKenzie's stuff to another state…and what about having a Christmas tree to put it under? We did all that decorating at home and then to not be there for Christmas?"

"I know; but I've done some looking around and I found a very nice, exclusive resort where we can get a decorated suite, complete with Christmas tree. As for McKenzie's gifts, we don't have to take all of them; we could just take half of them and leave the other half at home to put under our tree when we get home and she'll think we're having Christmas again, no big deal."

"I don't know, Castle."

"Come on, it'll be fun…you like skiing and this is the perfect time since you'll be off work."

"I know…but it's McKenzie's first Christmas."

"I know," he replied; "That's why we should go to Vermont…McKenzie's first Christmas should be magical…it should be a white Christmas…and Vermont is guaranteed a white Christmas. Don't you think she should have snow to add to the feeling for her first Christmas?"

"Snow is a nice touch," Kate admitted. "It does fit the picture perfect image."

Her husband grinned. "Just think, a beautiful luxurious suite, decorated for Christmas, a beautiful fireplace all aglow, snow falling outside…us nice and cozy…doesn't it sound perfect?"

She sighed wistfully. "It does…but I'm still not sure if going for Christmas is a good idea."

"There's no reason for us not to go; we're taking Mother and Alexis with us so it's not like we're not going to be with our family. There's nothing to hold us here."

Her brow rose as she eyed him. "Um…my parents live here…you do remember them, don't you? Our daughter is at their home right now."

"Yes, I know they're here…but they're Christmas haters," Castle replied.

"They're not Christmas haters…they don't really enjoy the holiday but they don't hate it."

"They don't even decorate a tree!" he exclaimed. "I picked McKenzie up the other day, it's a barren, holiday free zone, except for that puny thing your mother sat on the stand…I can't call it a tree because in my mind it's an insult to a real Christmas tree. It's a sign of being a Christmas hater, Kate. You know your mother is all 'bah humbug' about Christmas."

"Mom hasn't said anything negative about the season so far this year. She's deep into her Grandma euphoria."

"A non-Christmas hating grandmother would decorate for her grandchild. Your father could hang up some lights outside; they have a very nice house and a nice sized yard…so much decorating potential. If we lived in a house, I'd decorate the entire outside."

"Yeah, I don't doubt that," Kate remarked; "The neighbors would need sunglasses at night, I'd probably trip over the pile of extension cords and break my leg and you'd probably fall off the roof in your attempt to set up a life size sleigh and reindeer."

"I can't believe you think I go overboard with decorations!" he exclaimed.

"You do! Every time I let McKenzie out of the playpen to crawl around I'm afraid we're going to lose her in a pile of tinsel."

"You only think it's a lot because you're used to looking at nothing."

"Castle; I've been looking at your decorations for four Christmases now and I still think it's way too much. Next year I want it toned down. I want to be able to tell that we have a home under the decorations."

"That's the bah humbug gene trying to claim dominance over you once again."

"It is not! I was raised with the belief that when you decorate, you keep it classy and uncluttered looking. My parents never had a problem with Christmas, they enjoyed it, they decorated inside and out within reasonable limits and they always gave me a nice holiday. We stopped celebrating when Mom was away, you know that. It was too painful. When she came home, she tried to revive Christmas and failed. That's all there is to it."

"I know…but she's been home for a few years now…and you know how she gets at this time of year. You know how her mood seems to affect yours at this time of year and you always stress about how they feel when you opt not to see them for the holiday. They usually go to the mountains to wait it out like hermits anyway."

"Castle," she said, a hint of an edge to her tone. "May parents aren't haters and they're not hermits…and could you keep in mind that they are _my _parents?"

"Yes, I'm sorry…I just know how uncomfortable you get this time of year when it comes to your parents…and I know your mother hasn't shaken some of her bitterness about the season…and I can't help thinking, do we really want that kind of attitude around McKenzie for her first Christmas?"

"No," she sighed, hating herself a little as she did so. "I want McKenzie's Christmas to be happy."

"So do I," Castle replied; "And I want your first Christmas as a mother to be happy. I know you love your parents and I'm not trying to cut them out…but you're not going to be completely happy if you're feeling bad about staying away from them on the holiday again this year."

"Did I say I was staying away this year?"

"You haven't said you're not…and they do usually go to their cabin…you weren't planning on us driving up there on Christmas were you?" he asked, a note of distaste in his tone. "Because I picture Christmas as me playing with McKenzie and her new toys…not driving two and a half hours to your parents cabin in the middle of nowhere to look at your mother being fake happy and your father playing along with her as her always ready co-star."

"Keep it up, Castle, and you'll be going to Vermont alone because McKenzie and I will be here…having our first Christmas without you…no, better than that, I will drive us two and a half hours away to be with her grandparents…who are always genuinely happy to see her, and their vacation home isn't far from a town, just for the record…which you would know if you had ever been there."

"Okay, I'm sorry," he replied. "I just hate how uncomfortable everything gets with your family at this time of year. You're taking time off so it's a great time for us to have a vacation, it'll make McKenzie's first Christmas special and you'll feel better because you'll have a legitimate excuse to give to your parents about why you're not going to be around this year."

"It's true that it would be a legitimate excuse…but I thought you were doing better with my family. Kind of seems like you didn't work out all your issues that you dragged my mother to lunch about when I was pregnant."

"We are better…it's just that she's not better about this season and I want our family to have a nice, happy Christmas…and I don't think they're in a place to be apart of that yet with the way they still feel about the season. They are going to their cabin, aren't they?"

"I assume they are but they haven't said anything yet…and I don't want you to just write them off forever."

"I'm not…I'd be more than happy for them to be apart of McKenzie's Christmases…but with the right attitude. They don't do anything for the holiday…they don't even try to get past the hang ups."

"Some of it is my fault, Castle," she admitted out loud for the first time. "I'm the one who made rules about the holidays…don't blame it all on my mother."

"You made the rules so you could be happy on the holidays…and that's okay, Kate."

"I know why I made them," she replied. "I guess it's just…things are a little different now, there's McKenzie…and I did a lot of work to get back on track with my mother."

"I know, but none of that has anything to do with us having a wonderful Christmas…let's go to Vermont and have a wonderful first Christmas for McKenzie. If your parents are going to their cabin, there's no reason not to go because going there would mean that they don't intend on being here for her holiday. So come on, let's go to Vermont; we'll have a great time."

"It's kind of late in the season for reservations," Kate remarked. "How do you know we'd even be able to get into this place?"

"I have a very good travel agent," he replied; "Not to mention my own personal charm. Here, look at the pictures," he said, taking his phone from his pocket and bringing the resort's webpage.

"It does look beautiful," Kate sighed as she swiped through the photos; "And it has been a long time since we've skied."

Castle smiled. "So what do you say? Should I contact my travel agent and have her see if she can work on getting us in?"

A small smile touched her lips. "I guess it would be kind of special for McKenzie's first Christmas."

"Is that a yes?" he asked hopefully.

Kate breathed deeply. "Yeah; go ahead and put the wheels in motion," she told him, hoping that she wasn't making a mistake.

* * *

"Oh my God, I hate this song," Johanna muttered, her eyes closing in disgust.

Her best friend Maggie giggled beside her, the opening strains of Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas spewing from Macy's sound system. "It is a bit overplayed, isn't it?"

"Yes…overplayed for at least the last twenty years," she remarked. "I swear we've done heard it three times since being in this store!"

Maggie nodded. "I do feel like we just heard it about ten minutes ago…it's probably been longer than that but I'm sure we've already heard it in this store."

"Yeah, we've already heard it…and we'll probably hear it another ten times before the day is out."

"Hell, at the rate this line is moving, we'll hear it ten more times before the kids get to see Santa," her friend replied.

"That could be true as well," Johanna remarked, pushing the stroller slightly to keep her granddaughter happy as she laid in her carrier that attached to the stroller frame. Things had definitely changed from when she had had Katie, she couldn't help but think. When Katie was a baby she had to be taken from carseat to stroller. McKenzie's carrier was lifted off the carseat base and attached to the frame of the stroller…it was something she wished she would've had the luxury of in late 1979 through 1980. She glanced at her friend, noting the tight grip she had on her grandson's stroller. Noah had outgrown his carrier long before Maggie had been allowed in his life and so she opted for the light weight umbrella stroller for the two year old to ride in during their outing. So far Noah was amused with a dinosaur toy he had snagged in the toy department…and McKenzie seemed content looking around at the lights and the sounds that filled the air around them. She knew it was only temporary though; no two year old and seven month old were going to be content waiting in line for too long. She just hoped they got through it before McKenzie started to fuss and Noah got bored.

"_All I want for Christmas is you…" _Mariah Carey continued to belt out from the store speakers.

"All I want for Christmas is for her to learn a new song," Johanna stated. "My God, surely she can find a new one, can't she?"

Maggie laughed. "You'd think…but she likes riding this one to the bank every holiday season."

"I can't be the only person in the world sick of this song."

"Oh you're not," Maggie replied. "I liked it when it first came out but now I could go a few seasons without hearing it and not cry. You should hear Jeff when it comes on the radio in the car; I have to change the station before he has a stroke," she laughed.

"Maybe we can start a petition," Johanna replied. "We need one holiday season where that song is off the rotation."

"I'd sign that petition," her friend remarked.

"My-Ma," Noah said, pulling Maggie's attention away from her friend.

"What, sweetie?"

"Me see Santa?"

"You're going to see Santa, we just have to wait our turn; it won't be much longer, okay? Then we'll go get something to eat."

"Kay," he replied, his attention going back to his dinosaur.

"Is it just me or do the lines move slower now than when we were taking our kids to see Santa?" Johanna asked.

"I can't say for certain," Maggie replied; "I think it's just been so long we've forgotten what it's like."

"That's a possibility…I didn't get any Santa pictures of Katie after the age of five…due to my mother-in-law spilling the beans. I tried to get her to go see Santa the next year for the fun of it and she wouldn't do it."

"Kids," her friend sighed.

"Yeah; we weren't properly warned."

Maggie nodded. "That's alright, payback is upon them…we have grandchildren now, which means our children will now know the suffering we've had to endure at times…and on occasion, still endure."

"We can only hope," she agreed before Noah caught Maggie's attention again. Johanna breathed deeply, listening as the last few notes of that hated Christmas song faded away, only to be replaced by It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. She groaned internally and disagreed wholeheartedly; it was not the most wonderful time of the year in her opinion.

Once upon a time, long ago, it had been a wonderful time of year to her; a time of warmth and family…happiness. Those days were long gone and all that was left in their wake was a feeling of emptiness when the season arrived. She sighed deeply; normally she wouldn't have ventured out into the sea of humanity during the last minute frenzy of shopping. Normally she would be home, pretending the holiday didn't exist as she packed to head for the mountains with her husband.

But this year was different…this year there was McKenzie and her granddaughter deserved to have some semblance of Christmas during her time with her grandparents. The baby smiling up at her from the stroller was the only reason why she had for the most part, forgone her online shopping and had spent time browsing the stores in search of gifts for her first grandchild. McKenzie was the reason she had brought that decorated table top tree down from the attic put it on the stand in the living room…she was the reason there was a tiny pink stocking hanging from a shelf of the bookcase. She was the reason that holiday baking was on her mind…she was the reason she hadn't hesitated to join Maggie for this outing today…well that and the fact that since her daughter hadn't ever gotten around to giving her a copy of McKenzie's photo with Santa, she figured she'd just dress her up and get her own.

Christmas had been difficult for her to get through for a long time…longer than she cared to remember; but it couldn't be shunned now…couldn't be kept in the small little box of minor celebration Jim had nudged her into the last few years. McKenzie needed Christmas…so Christmas would be had in a quiet fashion in the Beckett household. She had bought Christmas storybooks and Christmas cartoons on dvd for her granddaughter's amusement. For McKenzie she could go through the motions and try harder than she had been.

"MaMaMaMa," McKenzie babbled, making Johanna smile as she brushed a knuckle against her soft cheek.

"Is she saying Mama or Grandma?" Maggie asked.

Johanna shrugged. "I like to think it's Grandma but it's probably Mama."

"Maybe it depends on who she's with," her friend replied.

"That could work," she agreed.

"What are your plans for Christmas this year, Jo? Are you and Jim heading for the mountains again?"

"We don't really have any plans," Johanna replied. "Usually we go to the cabin but I figure Katie will need me to babysit through the twenty-third; I know she's off Christmas Eve and Christmas Day but it'll be too late for us to get everything together and go to the cabin. We'll have to stay home this year."

"Has Katie invited you over for Christmas?" Maggie asked.

"No…she's been largely silent on the topic of Christmas…which is a statement within itself I figure. I'll invite them over for Christmas dinner but I'm sure the invitation will be declined…seems like all my dinner invitations usually are."

Maggie shook her head. "What is with that? You do everything you can for them and they still can't come have a meal once in awhile?"

"It seems that way…although I know from previous experience that it comes from Rick more than Katie."

"Even after all those 'be a better mother-in-law' lunches?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah…all of those lunches about clearing the air and family unity and I still feel like my home isn't good enough for a meal once in awhile."

"It's good enough for the babysitting though."

"At least I have that," she replied. "I just hope that we get to see McKenzie for a little while for the holiday so she can open her presents…even if it's on Christmas Eve."

"Surely they'll come around for the holiday," Maggie remarked. "It's McKenzie's first Christmas…and your first Christmas as a grandmother…it should inspire togetherness."

Johanna gave her friend a small smile. "But we both know how it goes sometimes."

Maggie nodded. "I know…I know how much it hurt to not be a part of Noah's first Christmas; I don't want you to have to feel that way."

"I don't want to feel it either," Johanna remarked quietly. "This time of year is hard for me as it is."

"I know it is," Maggie said softly; "But honestly, I think you're doing a lot better this year; I hope you don't mind me saying that."

Johanna shook her head as her fingers unhooked the buckles holding McKenzie in place so that she could lift her out of her seat. "No, I don't mind…I have to do better this year," she said, nuzzling her granddaughter's cheek. "I've got this little one in my house and she needs Christmas even if her grandmother finds it a little painful. I'm going to do it for her…it's not the big ways I used to do it…but I'm trying for her sake."

"It's okay to ease into it, Jo; just take your time and do what you can…and maybe next year you'll feel a little better than this year and you'll feel like doing a little more. You've had a long, hard road and you've been burned a few times, it's okay to be cautious about picking up old habits and traditions…or creating new ones."

She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly as McKenzie toyed with her necklace. "I guess I am being a little cautious. I put out that little tree for McKenzie but I haven't really decorated…I can't help but remember the last time I did and how it went wrong.

"Try to think positive," Maggie stated as Noah fussed in the stroller and she moved to pick him up as well. "Maybe this year you're due for a good Christmas, complete with family around your table for dinner."

She smiled. "That would be nice…I feel like we're long overdue."

"I think the elements are there for it to be a good one for you," Maggie said, reaching out to tickle McKenzie with her free hand, making her giggle in the process. "She looks so pretty in her little Christmas dress you got her."

Johanna smiled and smoothed a hand over the soft red velour material of McKenzie's dress. "It does seem to suit her," she agreed. "I just couldn't resist it the other day…especially when I found the little lacy red headband to match."

"It's gorgeous in her dark hair," her friend remarked, her fingertips smoothing down the hair on the back of McKenzie's head. "She looks like you."

Johanna shook her head. "She looks like Katie."

"No, she looks like her grandmother," Maggie stated; "Katie has your eyes and nose, your smile…but her face is shaped like Jim's; even her hairline is the same as his…and her hair color is much lighter than yours."

"She has her grandmother's hair color."

"And McKenzie has yours…and the same eyes and nose. You can't deny you're related…just like Katie can't deny that she's your daughter, despite the little things she gets from her father, like her height."

"Oh I'd never deny being related to my girls," Johanna said, kissing her granddaughter's cheek. "I just hope we get a good picture of her with Santa; she cried on her mommy's picture."

"Noah and I will try to make her laugh," Maggie replied, tickling her grandson; "Do you think we can make her laugh, little man?"

"Me funny," Noah laughed.

"He looks handsome in his little suit."

"He does; he's handsome like his grandpa," Maggie said proudly. "We're the only people in this line with dressed up kids though."

"I don't care," Johanna replied; "I needed an excuse to put this dress on her."

Her friend nodded. "I confess, I've been looking for an excuse to dress up Noah too."

"Will you and Jeff get to see him for Christmas?" she asked.

Maggie sighed a little. "Christina told Jeff that we can have him on Christmas Eve from noon until six…so Santa is going to come early to our house…and I'm going to go ahead and make Christmas dinner; we'll eat a little early…we invited Chrissy and Matthew to come to dinner but she declined of course…because you know, in her mind, I'm still scum."

"But you're good enough for babysitting once she allowed that first time to happen."

"Yeah; I'm good enough for that…but she either calls Jeff to arrange it or she has Matthew call me and ask if I can watch him. It's a little sad that my son-in-law treats me better than my daughter but at least I can be in Noah's life…thanks to you for helping with that."

"I didn't do much; all I did was annoy her here in Macy's that day."

"You annoyed her just right and I'm grateful," Maggie replied. "So we'll have him for awhile on Christmas Eve and I'll make dinner; Jeffrey is bringing his girlfriend…this is the first time he's brought her home so I'm assuming this one is serious. Jacob's coming; no word yet on if he's bringing anyone. Jeff's going to bring his mother over so she can eat with us. It's the first holiday dinner I've made in a long time…Jeff and I went to his mother's for Thanksgiving this year and last year we ate out once our plans fell through. I'm kind of nervous," she admitted softly. "It seems stupid, doesn't it? To be nervous about cooking a family meal?"

"No," Johanna told her; "It's not stupid….it's Christmas and that makes you feel more pressured…and you've had your own hard road to this place and time. It's okay for you to be nervous, Maggie…but you've got this."

"I just wish Chrissy would come…if I'm okay to watch your baby, then can't I be okay for the length of a meal?"

"She's afraid it'll make her drop her guard…she's afraid she'll remember that she loves you."

"God forbid," Maggie muttered sarcastically. "At least I can see Noah though…he loves me."

"He definitely does," Johanna said with a smile as she watched the little boy snuggle against his grandmother. "I guess we're just going to have to do the best we can this year, Mags; it might not be up to past standards but we'll do our best…because we've got these two depending on it."

"Agreed," her friend replied. "We'll get through it…start a new precedent for better holidays."

"We can hope," Johanna said softly as she cuddled McKenzie. She really did hope this Christmas would be better…she wanted it to be better.

* * *

That evening, Kate hurried through the loft and into the bedroom to deposit her gun in the small wall safe that Castle had installed there while she was pregnant with McKenzie and the topic of her child's safety had her twisting herself into knots. Every day, her first order of business after work was to head straight to the safe to lock away her weapon. She quickly punched in the combination and opened the door, placing the gun inside and then relocked it, raking a hand through her tousled hair as she began to turn away but then her husband stepped out of the bathroom. "Hey," he said; "Before you head out to get McKenzie; do you want me to order something for dinner since we're off schedule?"

"Yeah; that would be great," she replied.

"Are you ready for Chinese yet?" he asked hopefully.

Kate grimaced a little. "I don't know, Rick; you know that pregnancy kind of put me off of it."

"I know…but I'm starting to miss it," he admitted.

She nodded. "Okay, I'll try it…you know what I like. If I can't stomach it once it's here, you're ordering me a pizza."

"Deal," he replied as he stole a quick kiss. "Sorry I had to leave before your shift ended."

"It's alright, it's not like I was doing anything fascinating; just paperwork. Did you get the cover issue straightened out at the publisher?"

"Yes; finally. I'll tell you more about it over dinner. I know you're anxious to go get McKenzie."

"Yeah; I am anxious to get my baby…not so anxious to tell my mother that she won't be babysitting for the next two weeks."

"I'm sure Johanna will survive being baby free for two weeks," Castle remarked.

"I know she'll survive…but you know, they have a special bond…and…she won't be happy. Babysitting is the only reason she likes for me to go to my job now," she replied. "Although she does still occasionally throw out that 'find a safer one' routine but it feels like it's just for show now."

"Johanna will be fine and so will McKenzie…it won't hurt them not to see each other for a little while."

"Don't say it like that; it makes it seem like something more than it is."

"Kate, you're overthinking this. Just go to your mother's, collect our daughter, tell her she's off duty until after the New Year…and don't forget to tell her that we will be away for Christmas."

She cringed. "Do I have to tell her that?"

He nodded. "Probably...and they're probably going away too so it won't matter…and since she doesn't have to babysit, they won't have to worry about hurrying back from their trip to the mountains."

Kate sighed. "Maybe I should just tell her about my time off and then wait a few days and tell her the rest over the phone."

"Do it all now and get it over with…that way if she's mad, she'll be mad while you're on vacation and you won't have to deal with it."

"That does have a certain logic," she admitted.

"Of course it does; as you know, I'm always right," Castle quipped, a grin playing on his lips.

Kate scoffed. "The hell you are. Did we get our reservation yet?"

"Not yet, Sheila is looking into it, the lodge is very booked but it's possible that there will be a cancellation for a suitable suite; she'll keep me updated. If not; there's another equally nice lodge we can aim for."

"It has to be decorated, Castle. I'm not taking McKenzie away and have her not have a Christmas tree."

"The other place that was mentioned has the same offer of decorated suites; don't worry, the tree is important to me too. Either way, we're going to have a very nice, decorated room. Now go get McKenzie and break the news to your mother. I'll give you time to get there before I order the food that way you should all arrive home around the same time."

"Alright," she replied, hating the small feeling of guilt that was beginning to stir in her stomach…and really, it was ridiculous to even be feeling guilt; she hadn't done anything to be guilty for…although the season seemed to inspire the feeling in her regardless…and she was acutely aware of why that was.

* * *

Johanna couldn't help but smile as McKenzie cooed and smiled at the images on the TV screen of A Charlie Brown Christmas. Out of all the Christmas cartoons she had played for her during the week, this one seemed to be her favorite and she was happy to see that; it had always been her favorite as well. She brushed her fingers over her granddaughter's silky dark hair as she sat in her walker near the sofa where she was currently setting. "You like watching Snoopy, don't you?" she said to her.

McKenzie's gaze turned toward her, a bright smile still on her lips, a new pink rattle in her hand that she had gotten during their outing that day. She babbled in her baby language, shaking the rattle as if to make her point and then bursting into a happy squeal as the scene of the Peanuts gang dancing to the strains of Linus and Lucy played on the TV.

Johanna laughed as she watched her granddaughter try to bounce along with the tune, giggling as she did so, her rattle happily smacking off the tray of the walker. She picked up her phone and clicked a few pictures. "You're going to be a dancer, sweetheart," she told her; "You already know that you're supposed to move to a beat."

The sound of the back door opening and closing sounded in the kitchen. "I bet that's Grandpa," Johanna stated. "What do you think? Is it Grandpa?"

McKenzie gurgled at her before drawing the textured handle of her rattle to her mouth to chew on.

"There's my girls," Jim stated as he crossed the threshold of the living room a few moments later.

"We're glad you're home," Johanna said warmly as her husband made his way to her to kiss her hello.

"Me too," he replied, stealing another kiss.

"How was your day?"

"Typical," he replied before moving to his granddaughter and lifting her out of the walker. "How's my sweet pea?"

McKenzie smiled and planted a sloppy kiss against his chin, making him laugh as he settled down next to his wife. "Does that mean you're happy to see me?" he asked.

"She's always happy to see her grandpa," Johanna remarked.

Jim glanced at the TV, noting the Christmas cartoon on the screen. "Are you and Grandma watching Snoopy?" he asked. "What do you think of it?"

"She loves it," his wife replied; "This is our second viewing of the day…she cried when it went off the last time."

"You're going to be a Peanuts fan like Grandma," Jim told his granddaughter as he kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you're still here, you weren't the other day because your daddy picked you up before I got here."

"You have some extra time with her today; Katie sent a text saying she'll be late," Johanna replied.

He smiled at the baby. "Good; we like when she's late because then we get to keep you to ourselves for awhile longer. We're you a good girl for Grandma today?"

"Of course. We went shopping with Maggie and Noah and she enjoyed it."

"You weren't making eyes at Noah, were you?" he asked his granddaughter. "He's a nice young man but I know his grandfather's gene pool…I'll have to chaperone if he wants a playdate with you."

Johanna laughed. "She didn't seem interested in making a love match today…and Noah was much more interested in the dinosaur toy he managed to wheedle out of his grandmother."

"Good girl," Jim told her. "You tell those boys to keep their distance until you're at least twenty…and then we'll discuss it and what kind of qualifications you need to look for in a man…don't be like your mommy, she brought home several duds…and that's the nice way to put it."

"I don't know…we might want her to take home at least one dud just so Katie can know the torture," his wife stated.

He nodded. "True…one dud, and then only serious contenders who can treat you like a queen like you deserve."

McKenzie giggled at him, bumping his cheek with her rattle. "Do you have a new toy?" he asked her as he took note of the object. "Did you force Grandma to buy you a new rattle while you were out today?"

"You know she did," Johanna replied lightly. "She said I had to buy it or else."

Jim eyed his granddaughter. "Don't worry, sweet pea; I know the truth…all you had to do was smile at her and she said 'let me buy my girl something pretty'. That's how it was, wasn't it?"

"MaMaMa," McKenzie said, waving her rattle.

"Yeah, Grandma just can't resist you…but I can't blame her for it. Did you take her to see Santa?" Jim asked as he settled the baby on his lap so she could see her cartoon.

"Yes," Johanna said with a smile as she picked a picture up off the stand and handed it to him. "Look at how well these turned out."

Jim smiled. "That's a beautiful picture; look at how pretty you are, Miss McKenzie; and that beautiful smile. You look so pretty in that red Christmas dress Grandma bought you."

"She does look pretty in it, doesn't she?"

"She does," he remarked as he handed the photo back. "Did you get more than one copy of that picture?"

"Yes, I got a package of them…I couldn't resist when they turned out so well. I owe some of it to Maggie, she got her to laugh."

"We'll have to make sure Aunt Maggie and Uncle Jeff get a copy," he replied.

"The real show was me trying to get those tights on her this morning," Johanna stated as she laid the picture aside. "I'm a little out of practice at baby tights…I laid her on our bed to dress her so I'd have more room and some little girl kept wanting to roll away because she was desperate to crawl all over that big bed."

Jim chuckled lightly as he kissed the top of his granddaughter's head. "You didn't do that, did you? Is she making up stories about you?"

"She'll claim I am, but I'm telling the true story," his wife replied with a laugh. "When we came home and I changed back into her warm sleeper, I let her roll around a little bit so she wouldn't feel cheated. Then we came downstairs and she did her best to chase Scarlett around the room."

"Where is Scarlett?"

"Upstairs napping the last I looked…you know she feels like she has to guard and entertain the baby and she wears herself out and has to nap for a little while."

"Did she let McKenzie catch her?" he asked.

"After awhile she settled down beside her. McKenzie's learning to pet nicely."

"At least Scarlett's patient with her," Jim remarked. "She's a very patient cat when it comes to the baby."

"She is," Johanna agreed. "We got her some cat toys for Christmas today. We can't have Santa forgetting to leave a toy for Scarlett."

"No, we can't have that," her husband laughed. "Santa has to visit McKenzie and Scarlett…and just maybe he'll have a nice present for you too."

"You're all I need," she replied warmly; "But I know there are gifts for you hidden away."

"I know of a secret hiding place where there are gifts for you," Jim remarked. "I got Katie her usual envelope of gift cards…and tickets to a basketball game for Rick because I don't know what to get for a son-in-law who can buy anything he wants without worry about cost."

"It does make it a little difficult, doesn't it?" she asked. "Don't forget Katie's rules though, my name isn't to be on anything for them. McKenzie wasn't born yet when those rules were made so at least I get to escape the provision in her case…because I'd have to go against her if she tried to ban me from shopping for my granddaughter."

Jim nodded. "I'd back you up all the way…I think her rules are stupid and I've always said so."

"I know…but I don't want to rock the boat; I've got more to lose now than I had before," she said quietly, her fingertips brushing over the baby's hair.

"I know, sweetheart; I understand your point…I just know it hurts you to have to stick to those rules."

"I just hope she accepts the gift we got for McKenzie to give to her."

"She will," Jim said, a touch of firmness in his voice.

Johanna smiled and shifted closer, putting herself in the circle of his arm as she wrapped an arm around him and McKenzie. He wrapped his arms around them, smiling softly as he did so. "This is my kind of homecoming," he murmured.

"I have dinner in the oven, it'll be done soon."

"I'm not worried; I'm content like this for now."

"Me too. I need to know what you're going to want for Christmas dinner."

"I'm still thinking about it."

"You better think faster, honey. I need to get whatever it is before long…we're running out of time."

"I'll figure it out this weekend."

"What do you think our chances are of Katie coming to dinner?"

"As much as I hate to say it, probably slim to none as usual," Jim remarked. "I'm just hoping she'll at least bring the baby over for awhile on Christmas Eve so we can see her open her gifts."

Johanna breathed deeply. "It would be nice if we could have one family dinner every few years…they can bring Alexis and Martha; I've always said that when we've invited them to Thanksgiving…which always gets declined."

"I know, sweetheart. Maybe it'll be different this time…McKenzie's here now; maybe she'll want to even things out now that she has a baby. We always made sure she had equal time with both sides of her family on holidays."

"Yeah…but you know we've been told before that our ways are old fashioned."

"That's the problem with this world today," Jim replied. "Everything good is deemed old fashioned and useless."

She laughed softly. "Careful, honey; they'll be calling you a cynic before long."

"I've been called worse," he remarked. "I just want us to be able to see the baby for the holiday…I want to watch her have more fun with the paper and boxes than the actual gifts."

Johanna smiled wistfully. "Yeah…Katie was like that her second Christmas. She was all about that big box her rocking horse came in. I remember you opened the bottom flaps and laid it on its side so she could crawl through it like a tunnel. That amused her to no end."

"I know…it was two weeks before she lost interest and we could throw it out."

"It was a good Christmas," she said softly.

"It was," he agreed, knowing that she was thinking that all of their good Christmases were long behind them. He hoped that wasn't true…he wanted better ones…he was ready for better ones…and she needed better ones. There had to be an upswing in holiday luck now that there was a baby in the family, right? That was just a law of the universe, wasn't it?

Jim tightened his hold on his wife and granddaughter, keeping them both snuggled close as Charlie Brown's pitiful Christmas tree was given new life on the TV screen. There just had to be some law that said it got better…there had to be for both of their sakes; because if there wasn't, Johanna would have new reason to shun the holiday…and he'd have reason to let her.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 2

Kate sighed deeply as she made the turn that would lead her into her parents neighborhood. It was silly to dread telling them that she was off for the next two weeks…there wasn't anything wrong with taking time off, especially at Christmas. It was just that her mother was attached to McKenzie…very attached, and not having her for the next two weeks would be the first time since she was six weeks old that she hadn't been in their home for three days a week. She had a feeling that it might be news that her mother wouldn't be happy to receive…but she'd have to accept it. She was well within her rights to take time off for Christmas…after all, her mother had always taken off from work from Christmas Eve through the New Year.

"Christmas," Kate mused; the holiday she had previously dreaded…and sometimes she still didn't know how to feel about it. This year was different though…this year she was a mother and she found herself anticipating McKenzie's first Christmas. Leaving the state hadn't been in her original plans…but the more Castle had talked about it that afternoon and the more she thought about Vermont, the better it seemed. She didn't want any pressure marring her daughter's first Christmas…she didn't want stress. In New York she was sure to find stress…and perhaps even discord. Leaving would be best; a nice cozy Christmas with her husband and daughter at a gorgeous ski lodge in Vermont would be special and lovely…Martha and Alexis would be there too. It would be the kind of holiday she had envisioned for her child…and yet she found herself dreading the moment when she'd have to tell her parents she was leaving the state.

Christmas wasn't something easily dealt with in the Beckett family…it had been obliterated and put in the past when they had thought that her mother had died. When she had come home from witness protection and the case had been resolved, her mother had made it her mission to resurrect Christmas in their family…and she had failed…with help of course. Kate gripped the wheel tightly thinking about her contribution to the epic fail of Christmas 2012. Another sigh crossed her lips…after that epic disaster she and her mother had made a deal, no gifts and no demands to share any part of the holidays together. She had been happy with that deal…a part of her still was…despite seeing the hint of bitterness that the season inspired in her mother. Her parents tradition after that disaster of a Christmas was to head to the cabin and stay there until after the new year with their melancholy and sour attitudes about the season. It felt terrible to think, but she'd be happy to see them off; their way of Christmas wasn't one she wanted for McKenzie and she figured they probably didn't plan on being around anyway like her husband mentioned…so why should anyone care if she and her family went to Vermont?

They shouldn't care…her mother didn't even decorate, with the exception of that small table top tree whose old fashioned looking ornaments were ugly in her opinion. Kate had mistakenly thought that being a grandmother would inspire Johanna Beckett to pull out of her usual Christmas funk and decorate a tree…clear a shelf on the bookcase for the nativity scene…hang up some sparkly decorations and lights that would catch her granddaughter's eye and excite her. Instead she had that ugly little tree…and one tiny, pitiful pink stocking hanging from a shelf to denote the holiday. She hoped her mother hadn't hurt herself with her lack of effort.

Kate blew out a breath as she pulled up in front of her parents house; lack of effort was probably proof that her parents were still uninterested in the holiday and had no plans or intentions of remaining in the city for McKenzie's Christmas…and that was fine with her.

But on the other hand; what if they did plan on being around for the baby's first Christmas?

That would be a whole different kind of stress, she thought to herself. If her parents had planned on sticking around for Christmas when she wasn't going to be in the state, she imagined they'd be a bit put out by the information…but she couldn't help that…and part of her wasn't ready to spend a Christmas with her mother. There was still that corner of her that thought of January 1999 every time the season set in…she thought of the grief, the hurt, the holidays spent in the precinct while her father spent his alone at the cabin…not knowing that her mother was spending her holidays alone in Wyoming, alive and well. It wasn't an easy feeling to get over…especially when her mother had her own demons and bitterness about the season. It was best to go to Vermont and they could go to their cabin and then Christmas could happen in the way they each chose.

It would be fine…she just had to go in there, tell them her plans, collect her daughter and go home…wait for the dust to settle if there was any and then call her mother for whatever lame reason she could come up with and smooth things over if needed. It was all quite simple…and yet she knew nothing was ever quite simple when it came to her and her family.

There was no sense in putting it off, Kate thought to herself as she forced herself out of the warm car; she was already late as it was thanks to additional paperwork that had to be taken care of before she was in the clear for her vacation. She shoved her hands in her pockets and hurried up the walk and then up the steps of the porch, shivering slightly as she knocked on the door. A few moments later, her father pulled open the door and unlocked the screendoor, pushing it open for her.

"Sorry I'm late," she said as she met his gaze.

"It's alright, we don't mind," Jim replied; "But McKenzie couldn't wait…your mother tried to hold her off but she had to go ahead and make the bottle; she's drinking it now…she hasn't had her baby food for dinner though, we were just trying to tide her over until you got here."

"It's okay, Dad; I don't want McKenzie to be hungry."

"We try to hold her off for you though…we know how you feel about it when she doesn't have her dinner with you," he said gently.

An annoyed huff crossed her lips. "Can you two just let it go?"

"I wasn't trying to start anything, Katie," Jim said sincerely; "I just said we know how you feel."

"You bring it up because you know I made an ass out of myself and you like to remind me of it."

"That's not true," he replied. "I just wanted you to know that your mother tried to hold her off as long as possible so you wouldn't be mad at her."

Kate sighed, it was hard to forget that flare of jealousy she'd had a few months ago when she had been working late a lot, feeling guilty for the extra time away from her baby and anticipating the moment when she could go home, settle down with her and give her her bottle as they reconnected…but a lot of times McKenzie grew hungry before she got there and her mother fed her. She had gotten angry; accused her mother of purposely feeding her before she got there because she wanted all of those moments for herself. She had accused her of taking over her child…to her mother's credit, she had tried to be calm, tried to talk her down and explain that it wasn't that way at all…that she was letting her emotions do the talking because she was upset about having to be late several days in a row. But her mother's gentleness and understanding about the whole thing had only infuriated her further. That had been the moment when her mother gave her two weeks notice…and spent the first week of that notice waiting for her outside on the sidewalk with the baby strapped into her carseat, diaper bag packed and a warm bottle ready to be given when they got home. For an entire week, her mother hadn't even given her a chance to get out of the car…she had merely opened the back door, snapped the carseat onto its base and sat the diaper bag in the car and told her the bottle was ready before closing the door and heading back to the house.

Three days of a wailing, hungry baby in the backseat had brought her back down to earth. Her mother had accepted her apology, withdrew her notice after being asked to do so and told her she'd do her best to adjust McKenzie to a slightly later lunch time feeding so that she wouldn't be hungry before Kate got home from work. There was still the occasional flare of jealousy when she saw how attached her baby was to her grandmother despite knowing that McKenzie loved her just as much. There was still guilt when she was delayed in getting home…guilt when she knew her mother tried to hold her baby off from eating because she didn't want to chance upsetting her.

As Kate made her way into the kitchen, she saw her mother sitting at the table, McKenzie cradled in her arms as she drank her bottle. She glanced up at her as she paused beside her, worry in her gaze. "I tried, Katie," Johanna said cautiously; "She just couldn't wait any longer…she hasn't had her baby food though; you'll be able to give her that."

"It's alright, Mom," she said as she bent and kissed McKenzie's head. "Hi, baby," she murmured to her. "I missed you."

"Do you want to take her and finish her feeding?" Johanna asked, rising from the chair, ready to shift the baby into her daughter's arms.

"No," Kate said with a shake of her head. It would probably be better if her mother was holding the baby when she gave her the news. "She's content with you, you can feed her."

"I don't mind letting you do it; I know you miss her while you're at work. You should take her."

"Mom, it's fine…finish feeding her. I understand that she was hungry, I'm late, I should've been here an hour ago. She's fine where she is; I'll cuddle her at home."

"If you're sure."

"I am," she replied.

"Coffee, Katie?" Jim asked.

"No, I'm fine," she replied. "How was McKenzie today?"

"She was good," Johanna said, a smile on her lips as she looked down into her granddaughter's face. "We went to Bloomingdales and Macy's and she was a very good girl. She likes when we go shopping."

"I'm glad she did well for you."

"She always does. Are you finished your shopping yet, Katie?"

"No, not yet…I have a few things left to get but work was busy this week."

"I'm sure you'll get it done," her mother replied. "Maybe you can take a day off and go finish up while I have McKenzie next week. What do you think, kitten? Mommy can go shopping and we can do some things here that we talked about earlier."

Kate nervously raked her hand through her hair as she watched her mother cuddle the baby as she drank her bottle. "So…um…actually I'm going to be off for the next two weeks," she stated.

Johanna's gaze was pulled away from her granddaughter's face and pinned to her daughter's. "Why?"

"Because…I still have a lot of personal days and a little bit of vacation time that I need to use up before it expires…and it's McKenzie's first Christmas so it seemed like a good time to use it…I want to spend as much time with her as I can. It'll also help me get last minute things done for the holiday, like the shopping."

"I can still watch her while you shop," Johanna replied.

"Rick will watch her while I do that," she said; "There's no reason to drag her out if he'll be home."

"Oh," her mother said quietly, cuddling the baby closer as her gaze dropped back to the baby's face.

Jim saw the flicker of disappointment sweep across his wife's face as she gave her attention back to the baby. She was used to having McKenzie for three days a week ever since Katie had gone back to work after her maternity leave. Having the baby around had soothed away that remaining piece of brokenness that had still lingered inside of her…and with their most dreaded holiday rapidly approaching, he had seen small signs that she was drifting back to old habits. There was a pile of gifts in the attic with their granddaughter's name on them…a small, decorated tree had appeared on a stand in the living room; and when asked about it she had merely shrugged and said it was for McKenzie's amusement…as was the tiny Snoopy themed stocking hanging off their bookcase that said 'Baby's First Christmas'. Their tradition of heading to the cabin had been put off with the thought that Johanna would be needed to watch McKenzie up until the twenty-third and by then it would be too late to head to the mountains and decorate when the holiday was only mere hours away. There had been talk of watching their grandchild open her gifts…the slightest hint of hope in his wife's voice that maybe Katie would want to bring her family to dinner. Total disappointment hadn't happened yet…but he already ached for her in anticipation of it.

He cleared his throat, catching his daughter's attention. "Can you at least bring McKenzie over for an hour or two on Christmas Eve so she can open her gifts?"

"Aren't you going to the cabin? You usually do," Kate replied.

"We haven't really made plans, Katie," he replied. 'We figured you'd need us to watch McKenzie until the twenty-third…so we figured we'd just stay in town and that maybe you could come over or we could have her for an hour or two so she can open her gifts."

"I don't want her opening gifts here before she gets to open any at home," Kate remarked.

Johanna glanced at her. "Then come over for a little while on Christmas," she allowed herself to say despite anticipating the rejection to come. "I'll be making dinner…"

Kate sighed deeply. "We're not going to be in New York for Christmas, Mom," she confessed.

Her parents stared at her for a long moment. "Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"Vermont," she said lightly.

Her mother's nose wrinkled. "Why would you want to go there? Why would you want to take your baby away from home for her first Christmas?"

"Castle wants her to have snow for her first Christmas…and we're not likely to have snow here in the city…but it's guaranteed in Vermont at the ski lodges."

"Ski Lodge!" Johanna exclaimed. "You're going skiing?"

"We're mainly going for the snow, but…yeah, we'll probably ski while we're there."

"Who's going to watch the baby?"

"We figure Martha will, she doesn't ski and I'm sure she'll be going with us. Alexis will be there too, she might want to spend some time with her sister."

"Katie," Jim said; "Why don't you go skiing after Christmas? You and Rick could go for a long weekend for New Year's and we could keep McKenzie for you; that way the two of you could enjoy yourselves without worrying about the baby."

She laughed. "You're not worried about me enjoying myself, you're worried about not having the baby here for awhile; but she'll be back when I go back to work, I promise."

Johanna put McKenzie up against her shoulder to burp her. "So we're not going to see her the rest of the month?"

Kate shrugged slightly. "I don't know…I mean we haven't exactly decided when we're coming back…and I figured you two would be going to the cabin. I thought you'd be glad for the break so you could do your own thing."

"I don't recall saying that I wanted or needed a break," Johanna said as McKenzie fussed for the return of her bottle.

"You haven't…but you've been watching her since she was six weeks old…and now she's seven months old; I thought you'd like having two weeks off."

"We don't mind having the baby here," Jim stated. "We enjoy her."

"I know you do, Dad…but she is _my _baby," Kate replied. "If I want to leave town with her, I can…it's not like I need your permission."

"We didn't say you did," Johanna remarked; "But if you're looking for snow; you don't have to go further than the mountains of New York."

Jim nodded in agreement. "We could go up to the cabin and you all could come there for Christmas; you know we always have snow up there."

Kate shifted slightly in her chair. "I don't think Martha and Alexis would be comfortable with staying there."

"If our house isn't…accommodating enough for them," Johanna said; "They could stay at the hotel in town; it's not far from the house."

"I…I don't think it would work out," she replied. "Besides, Castle and I have already made plans for Vermont…I really didn't think it would be a big deal; I mean, you don't really do Christmas anyway…you haven't even decorated here."

"I usually decorate at the cabin once we get up there," her mother replied; "But we didn't plan on going, we thought you'd still be working."

"Your mother did put out that small tree for McKenzie," Jim remarked.

"Yeah…that's a cop out tree in the big scheme of things," Kate stated. "It's not the kind of tree that used to be here…and it's not the kind McKenzie is used to having at home."

"And you think she's going to have a Christmas tree at a ski lodge?" Johanna asked.

"Yes, she will," she answered; "The lodge that Castle is making the arrangements at have very nice suites that are decorated for the holiday, complete with a Christmas tree."

"How nice," her mother said sarcastically. "A tree decorated by strangers instead of her mother."

"Mom," Kate sighed.

"What?" she asked as McKenzie pushed away her bottle. "I just thought you'd want your baby to celebrate her first Christmas in her own home where she can sleep in her own bed and be surrounded by her family and her own things…Vermont will be a strange place to her; she won't be able to sleep."

"And yet you said we can all come to the cabin…which would also be a strange place to her."

"Not as strange as a ski lodge; we'd all be there…even Scarlett, and you know she loves Scarlett. She'd feel right at home."

"Sounds like a double standard to me," her daughter remarked. "She'll be fine in Vermont; she'll have me and her daddy and her grammy and big sister; she can feel just as at home there."

Jim breathed deeply. "Well…we could go to the cabin and take some of McKenzie's gifts with us, that way if you'd decide that you'd want to come by you could."

Kate laughed. "Dad; I'm not going to drive six hours from Vermont on Christmas; that would be crazy."

He pushed back his chair and got up from the table, his coffee mug in hand to get a refill. "Of course, what was I thinking? We don't share holidays in this family."

"Dad," she sighed. "I'm a grown woman; I have a family of my own, you had to expect that this would happen at times."

"Hey, I haven't seen you on Christmas in fifteen years," Jim stated; "We can make this one sixteen and I can go another sixteen after that, no big deal."

Kate suppressed the urge to roll her eyes as she turned back to her mother. "Mom," she said with a sigh.

"I know," Johanna remarked as she hugged her granddaughter; "We had a deal about not sharing holidays and I'll stick to it; I didn't expect a baby to change things…I just…I'll miss the baby, that's all," she said, her voice cracking a little as her hopes shattered in regard to spending some part of the holiday with her granddaughter. "It's hard to think of not seeing her for so long."

"Oh my God, I'm not moving away!" Kate exclaimed; "We're just going on vacation. I'm not leaving tomorrow. I'll let you know when exactly we're leaving and you can come over and see her before we go, okay? I promise she's coming back…and I'd also like to mention that I remember a time when you used to miss me."

"Yeah; I remember that too," Johanna cried; "But she loves me more than you do."

"That's not true!" she exclaimed. "If anything, you love her more than you love me."

Jim nodded. "At the current moment you have slipped down to the rung below Scarlett," he stated.

"Dad!" Kate said, giving him a look of horror. "You're putting me below the cat!?"

"Yeah," he said with a nod; "Before you came in, you were tied with McKenzie and Scarlett was in third place…but you've taken care of that with your special news bulletin."

"Dad!"

"Well!" he nearly yelled; "Look what you're doing to your mother!"

Kate gave in and rolled her eyes. "You'll all be fine! We'll be back…enjoy your two weeks of not having to babysit; go to the cabin and do whatever it is the two of you do alone together…wouldn't you like that?"

"We're alone together every night," Johanna replied tearfully as her granddaughter toyed with her necklace; "We know how to make the most of our time. Having our granddaughter around doesn't interfere with our time for each other."

"Yeah," Jim agreed; "And we have Tuesdays and Thursdays after work and weekends unless you have something come up and need us but that's never an issue; we just take McKenzie with us if we're going somewhere."

"I know you enjoy having her," their daughter replied; "And I'm glad you do, you're wonderful grandparents…but you'll survive a brief return to your pre-babysitting life…you might even like it."

"Maybe McKenzie would rather stay in New York," Johanna stated.

"Really, Mom; you're going to try this road?"

"She has feelings too you know," Johanna remarked as she perched her granddaughter on the table in front of her, her hands holding on to her as she met her eye. "What do you think, McKenzie? Do you want to go to some ski lodge far away or do you want to stay in New York with Grandma and Grandpa and Scarlett; and Santa knows right where to find you and I'll sneak you some little Christmas treats. What do you think?"

"MaMaMa," McKenzie babbled, her hands pressing against Johanna's cheeks as she grinned. "MaMaMa."

"There," Johanna said; "She said Grandma; she wants to stay in New York."

"She did not say Grandma," Kate stated.

"Yes, she did. McKenzie; did you say Grandma?"

"MaMaMa," the baby squealed.

"See, she said Grandma."

Kate's gaze shifted to her father. "Sounded like Grandma to me," Jim stated.

"She says that same thing to me, you know," Kate remarked. "She's saying mama."

Jim shook his head. "It's Grandma, you look like your mother, she gets confused."

"Nice try, Dad."

"I can prove it," he said, moving to stand near his wife. "McKenzie, where's Grandma?"

McKenzie's gaze shifted to Johanna, her small hands patting her cheeks. "MaMaMa."

"See," Jim remarked; "She knows who she's talking about."

Kate smirked at him. "McKenzie, where's mommy?" she asked.

Her daughter's head turned towards her. "MaMaMa!"

"Told you so," Kate remarked; "She says it for both of us but she means mama, which is me…so sorry, but she's going to Vermont with her mommy and daddy."

Jim sighed as he picked McKenzie up so they were eye level. "Listen, sweet pea; if you don't want to spend your Christmas at a yucky ski lodge, you have to work with me."

His granddaughter giggled at him as she pressed sloppy kisses to his face. "That's very nice," he told her; "You can't find handsome men like me to kiss in Vermont…Grandma keeps me here in New York."

"Her handsome father will be in Vermont, she can kiss him," Kate stated.

"I may be biased," Johanna stated; "But I believe my husband is more handsome."

"We're not going down that road," Kate remarked; "We're going to Vermont…you don't have to like it, but we're going…and I would appreciate not being guilted."

"If you have guilt it's on your own account," Jim said before kissing his granddaughter's cheek. "The sight of your mother crying and clinging to your baby shouldn't be anything but a warm fuzzy holiday memory for you."

"Wow, Dad," she said; "Becoming a grandfather has really upped your guilt game."

"So you'll be staying?" he asked.

"No; but you are closer to Mom's level now when it comes to guilt. Congratulations on your promotion."

"Apparently I'm not good enough," Jim remarked before giving his attention back to his granddaughter. "Well, sweet pea; I wish I had known you weren't going to be around the rest of the month, I would've taken the day off to spend with you and Grandma but Mommy always likes to tell us things at the last minute. I could've called Santa and had him come early."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Kate remarked.

"Sure she is," Jim said, his gaze still on his granddaughter; "Like those pictures we never got of you with Santa."

"I swear to you that I will bring your copy over before we leave," she stated; "I've been busy!"

"Don't bother," Johanna told her as she rose from her place. "I took her to see Santa today and got my own damn pictures," she stated as she went to the counter and picked up the envelope that held the photos. She slid one out to show her daughter.

Kate frowned as she looked at the picture. "This isn't fair, she's not crying on yours!"

"Now we're even," Johanna stated; "At least partly."

"How did you get her not to cry!?" Kate demanded to know. "It took two visits for us to get the pictures we got!"

Her mother shrugged. "Maggie and Noah went with us…Maggie yelled peek-a-boo at her and she cracked up…she loves her Aunt Maggie."

"This isn't fair," Kate said as she gazed at the photo of her daughter laughing as she sat on Santa's lap. "It is so not fair."

"Neither is Vermont but that's the way the ball bounces," Johanna said as she put the picture back in the envelope.

"There isn't anything unfair about Vermont," her daughter replied; "I'm a grown woman with my own family; we can leave the state on vacation if we want to."

Jim glanced at her. "I remember back in February, we left the state and you accused your mother of abandoning you."

"I was six months pregnant and hormonal," she replied.

"Yes, you were hormonal and needed your mommy…and now your mommy has grandma feelings and needs her granddaughter."

"She has her three days a week…go enjoy your two weeks of being off duty grandparents."

"We didn't ask for leave," Johanna stated.

"Yeah, you've mentioned that…can I get one of those pictures?"

"Sure," her mother replied; "When I find a minute to cut them apart."

"Really?"

"What? I'm busy too," her mother replied; "I've got all this alone time with my husband and it keeps me from giving out photos."

Kate closed her eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't get your copy of the picture to you…you have sufficiently gotten your revenge by getting better Santa photos than I did…so you know…give me a damn picture!"

"I will…when I see you again."

"Okay, if that's my punishment, I can take it…and I know you don't like my plans but you don't have to make it hard," Kate replied.

"We're not," Johanna stated. "I'll go get McKenzie's things together so you can get on your way, I don't want to keep you."

Kate sighed as she watched her mother leave the room and then she turned her gaze to her father who moved back to the table and picked up the abandoned bottle, offering it to his granddaughter. "Do you want to finish your milk before you go home?" he asked her.

McKenzie took the bottle and Jim sat down in Johanna's chair, keeping his attention focused on his grandchild.

"Dad, don't do this to me," Kate said softly.

"Do what?"

"Make this a bigger deal than it needs to be," she replied quietly. "You two don't care about Christmas…this family didn't celebrate for thirteen years; and then Mom came home and after the disaster of Christmas 2012, the holiday was shunned here. You and Mom have gone away the last two years, I saw no reason why you wouldn't go this year too. The holiday is still a little difficult for me too but ever since I got with Castle, I haven't had a choice but to celebrate it…and now there's McKenzie so it's something I want to be special again…and Castle wants her first Christmas to be special too."

"And having her grandparents around would interfere in that?" Jim asked.

"No; and she is still going to have a grandparent around…but I know how you and Mom feel about the holiday so I didn't think it would be a problem. With me on vacation, you two can go about your normal plans."

Jim scoffed softly. "You couldn't make it any plainer that you don't want us around for the holiday, Katie. You want us up in the mountains, out of sight and out of mind while we're unneeded, which is fine…I guess I just kind of had this delusion that things were a lot better between the three of us than they used to be."

"Things are better."

"It doesn't feel like it at the moment," he remarked. "I know we don't make Christmas a big deal around here anymore…we've made it a quiet affair the last couple years as we've worked through things. I guess I had hoped things would be different this year now that McKenzie is here…but they're not different and it's fine."

It didn't seem like it was fine, Kate mused as she dragged her fingers through her hair once more as she watched her daughter toy with his watch…just as she had always done as a little girl. "I'm not going to apologize for having holiday plans…but Mom struggles with this holiday more than any of us," she said softly; "It's probably better this way for her."

He shook his head. "It's not…she's been making small little efforts for the holiday for McKenzie…she got out that tree, which yes, it's small, but it has lights and decorations and no one coaxed her into using it. She got it out of the attic and put it on the stand for McKenzie so she'd have it to look at. When I came home today she had Charlie Brown Christmas on the TV for her to watch while she was sitting in her walker playing with her toys. She's been singing her Christmas songs at nap time. She bought her that stocking hanging off the bookcase…and a small mountain of gifts that are in hiding…she took her to see Santa today and got pictures. Don't tell me that she isn't trying this year, because she is…it might not be like she used to, but she is doing some things."

She sighed deeply once more. "I don't know what you want me to do. I have a family, we make our own plans…I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he stated; "Like I said, what's another Christmas without you? I'm used to it, so is your mother. We'll be fine, we always are."

"What's taking Grandma so long, McKenzie?" Kate asked as her daughter looked at her. "It feels like it's time for us to go home before Grandpa gets mean."

"I'm not going to be mean," he replied; "I've said all I'm going to say on the subject. I hope you have a safe trip and that you have a nice holiday, Katie."

"I'm not leaving tonight."

"I figured I'd tell you now in case I don't talk to you before you do."

Kate smiled at her daughter. "Definitely time for Grandma to be back in the room…you want to call her or should I?"

"I'm sorry I take too long for your liking," Johanna stated as she carried diaper bag and carrier into the room. "If you wanted out of here faster you should've gotten off your ass and helped me get her stuff together; she is your baby as you mentioned earlier."

"Oh look, Kenzie," Kate said lightly as she held her daughter's gaze. "Grandma's going to take over where Grandpa left off. They're good like that."

Johanna glanced at Jim as she slipped McKenzie's jacket on her while she remained on his lap. "Where did you leave off?"

"I was being accused of being mean," he remarked.

"That's not true at all, is it, McKenzie?" she asked her granddaughter. "Grandpa's not mean; you love Grandpa. Give him hugs and kisses."

Jim smiled as he shifted his granddaughter to face him, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I love you, sweet pea. I hope you have a nice Christmas, we'll miss you. Feel free to send your parents back to work early when they start getting on your nerves."

"I thought you weren't being mean?" Kate asked.

"I'm not, I was just giving her a suggestion," he replied before kissing his granddaughter once more and cuddling her close for a moment. "Go to Grandma now and give her her hugs and kisses," he said before handing McKenzie to Johanna.

Johanna kissed the baby's soft cheek. "Alright, my sweet girl; I guess we won't be getting to those things we talked about earlier but it's okay. You be a good girl and have a nice Christmas; I hope you have fun. I'm going to miss you like crazy," she told her as she held her close, breathing in her soft scent.

"Jo," Jim said as he saw the small stocking with the image of Snoopy and Woodstock embracing and the words Baby's First Christmas printed on it laying on the diaper bag. "How did McKenzie's stocking get in the bag?" he asked as he pulled it out.

Johanna took it from his hand. "I put it there," she said; "Take it to Vermont with you, Katie; that way you can leave the one you bought at home so it doesn't get lost or left behind so you'll have it as a keepsake…just like I have yours."

"But, Mom, you bought her that for here."

She shrugged. "What do I need it for?" she said with a short laugh that sounded strained even to her own ears. "She's not going to be here…so take it; that way if it gets lost it won't matter; you'll still have yours at home."

"Mom…"

"Just take it," Johanna said as she dropped it back into the bag. "It's hers and I don't have any use for it here. I only hung it up because she was here…what's the point in it hanging in there if she's not here?"

A pang of guilt skittered across Kate's heart as she watched her mother cuddle the baby for a moment more, pressing a few more kisses to her cheeks.

"Alright, sweetheart," Johanna said as she stooped down to hook McKenzie into her carrier; "Time for you to go home with Mommy. I love you…I'll see you in two weeks…we'll have a lot of catching up to do."

"I said you can come see her before we leave," Kate said quietly while her mother tucked the fluffy baby blanket over McKenzie.

"You'll be busy, Katie," Johanna said softly; "You said you have shopping to finish up and if you're going to be traveling, you'll need to pack; not to mention just the everyday job of being a mommy. You're not going to have time for company. We'll say our goodbyes now. Let me know when you'll need me back on babysitting duty."

"You really know how to twist the knife, Mom," she replied as she rose from her chair.

"I'm not twisting anything," Johanna said sharply as she raised the handle on the carrier. "All I'm doing is saying goodbye to my granddaughter…who spends at least three days a week in my home…and about one Saturday night a month lately, you can't expect me not to miss her. I kind of got attached, sorry."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Kate replied. "I know you're attached…as you're supposed to be and that you'll miss her…but she'll be back before you know it."

"Yeah, I know; be careful getting home."

"I still think you should keep the stocking," her daughter remarked as she picked up the diaper bag to shove McKenzie's bottle in it.

Johanna shook her head. "No; you take it. Since she won't back for the rest of the month, I can go ahead and get that tree put away tomorrow too. No point in leaving it out, it just tempts Scarlett into mischief."

"Where is Scarlett?" Kate asked.

"She's in the living room," her mother replied. "You better get going or Rick will worry."

Kate picked up McKenzie's carrier and put the strap of the diaper bag over her shoulder as they all headed for the threshold of the kitchen to follow her to the entry way. "Let us know you got to Vermont safely, Katie," Jim stated.

"I will; let me know what your plans end up being."

"Yeah, we'll do that," he remarked, a hand rubbing against the back of his neck as his gaze fell to his granddaughter. "Bye, sweet pea."

"Tell Grandma and Grandpa that you'll see them soon, McKenzie," Kate stated; "They look like I'm robbing them."

It kind of felt like they were being robbed of something, Johanna couldn't help but think but she wouldn't dare say so. "Have a nice holiday, Katie," she managed to say instead.

Her daughter smiled. "Have a merry Christmas, Mom."

Johanna scoffed, a tight smile crossing her lips. "What the hell is so merry about it now?" she asked before turning on her heel and heading back toward the kitchen. "Walk her out, Jim; it's dark out."

Kate blew out a breath and stepped forward to follow her but her father caught her arm. "Let her go," he said quietly; "She did her best not to get her hopes up that we'd be spending some portion of the holiday with you and our granddaughter but she hoped anyway and now she has to handle the feeling of knowing she was right and the hurt that comes from not being able to shield herself from it. Come on, I'll walk you out."

"You don't have to."

"One of us always does," he remarked as he opened the door. "She'll be fine…I'll take care of her…I always do."

Kate pulled the hood up on the carrier to protect McKenzie from the air and made sure the blankets were still snugly tucked around her. "I should've waited until I was on my way to Vermont and then called and told you we wouldn't be here for Christmas," she stated as she stepped out onto the porch. "I should've known that in person was a bad idea…in fact I did know but did it anyway."

"It's fine, Katie," Jim replied. "We don't expect you to want to spend a big chunk of the holiday with us…we did hope to see you and the baby for at least an hour but we'll get over it as always. We'll try to work on hiding our disappointments better."

"You always say that and somehow it never works out," she remarked.

Jim sighed. "We once again apologize for you getting shafted in the parents department, Katie; hopefully you'll do better than us for McKenzie."

"I didn't say I got shafted," she said as she unlocked the car. "It's just anytime I have to tell you two that I won't be around you act like I'm doing it as a personal offense to you."

"That's probably because there was a time when you were doing it as an offense."

"I was not."

Jim held the car door as she hooked McKenzie's carseat into its base. "Let's just forget about this conversation, Katie. It won't get us anywhere. Be careful getting home…have a safe trip to Vermont, have a nice holiday and we'll see you after the New Year."

"As I've already told you ten times, we're not leaving tonight or even tomorrow as far as I know; Rick's still waiting on confirmation of our arrangements and then we'll know when exactly we're leaving. I'll let you know…I will text you a picture of McKenzie every day if it will make you two feel better."

"We'll be fine, Katie; don't worry about it," her father replied, conjuring up a smile for her. "We'll find something to do for the holiday; either the cabin or I'll make your mother's dream come true and take her somewhere warm for Christmas."

"You'd have to go pretty far for that," Kate remarked as she closed the door.

"She likes Hawaii; we could go there."

"You just went there in February!"

"So, we can go back if we want."

"You'd probably have a hard time getting reservations this time of year, Dad; you may as well just go to the cabin."

Jim eyed her. "I feel like you're telling me I can't take my wife and leave the state…which is funny coming from someone who was sitting in my kitchen minutes ago reminding us that you're free to leave the state with your child anytime you want."

"You can do what you want, Dad; you always do anyway," Kate replied as she rounded the car.

"True," he replied. "Maybe we'll go to Vermont…I haven't been skiing in a long time."

His daughter whipped around to face him. "You're not going skiing! You're a grandfather!"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" he asked.

"You know what it means," she replied; "You're getting too…mature…to go flying down a mountain on skis."

Jim's eyes widened. "Did you just call me old?"

"No, I reminded you that you're a grandfather and have no business being on ski slopes and neither does my mother…who should consider giving up ice skating one day soon."

"Your mother and I are in excellent shape and health, young lady."

"Hey, I said no skiing and ice skating; you can keep your favorite hobby of sex, that's the least dangerous…unless you two tend to get adventurous, and no, I don't want to know…because knowing the two of you, you probably do…God, I hope I never get that phone call," she muttered.

Jim eyed her. "Yeah; we definitely love Scarlett more right now…I'm going in the house and tell your mother that you've insulted us both and she'll feel better about not seeing you for Christmas. Drive safely."

"Okay if that will make you both feel better," she said as she opened her door. "Thanks for babysitting."

"Yeah; that's all we're good for…just the babysitting; we don't get holidays."

"We were here for Halloween!"

"My mistake," Jim replied; "We get the babysitting and the minor holidays like Halloween and Flag Day."

"Goodnight, Dad," Kate said, a hint of a laugh in her voice although she knew he was serious.

He gave her a wave and then turned away, hating how disappointed he felt about missing out on his granddaughter's first Christmas…hating that the universe had failed him and his wife once more. Now he'd have to go in and pick up the pieces…find some way to celebrate the holiday with his wife before she shut it out completely again; because despite wanting to let her declare it off limits again, he knew he couldn't let that happen.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thanks for you reviews. To guest reviewer Carolina, I believe a site glitch kept your last review from posting when I approved it, so sorry about that!_

Chapter 3

After seeing Katie off, Jim made his way back into the house, closing and locking the door behind him. He could hear the water running in the kitchen and the clink of dishes. He sighed deeply, every time things seemed to be on an upswing, something came along to send it crashing back down. It seemed like they just weren't meant to have family Christmases anymore. Those days were in the past…along with the people who made Christmas a special time; one for family and togetherness, not skiing and impersonal lodges instead of the warmth of home. He couldn't help but remember Johanna making the statement a couple years before that Christmas had never been the same without certain loved ones; she was right, it wasn't and never would be; their parents and grandparents were gone…the siblings that spoke to them had their own families and their own plans. It made Christmas somewhat empty for a couple whose only child always chose to stay away.

A small ache spread across his heart; he had mistakenly thought that things would be different this year now that McKenzie was in the world. Katie had made so much effort to heal the rift with her mother when they had returned from London and she had continued on that path after revealing her pregnancy. She had been around more…she seemed to_ want_ them around more…but tonight it had felt like she had taken a step back in time and had picked up her former attitude of 'I have a family and don't need you around'. It hurt but he always did his best not to let it show…but it was there just the same. He had been looking forward to being a grandfather this Christmas…wanted to spoil his granddaughter…wanted to hold a candy cane and let her taste the peppermint flavor…wanted to watch the wonder and excitement on her face as she experienced her first holiday. He had been ready to shake off the dust of the past and look at the holiday through his granddaughter's eyes…ready for a new chapter but it wasn't meant to be.

He moved to the threshold of the living room, trying to give Johanna a little more time to herself before he went in and nudged her into letting her feelings out. He knew she would deny it, but she had been looking forward to her first Christmas as a grandmother. She had been going about it quietly…subtly…as if she was afraid that someone would catch on and dash her hopes if she seemed to be enthusiastic.

And now her hopes were dashed…smashed into the kitchen floor like those blobs of baby food McKenzie occasionally smacked off the spoon.

A weighted breath slipped across Jim's lips as his gaze fell on that now naked spot of the bookcase where McKenzie's stocking had dangled from the shelf. He had no doubt that the Christmas tree on the stand would disappear by the next day…and Johanna would pretend to be glad to put it away; but they'd both know better. She thought he didn't notice the Christmas storybooks that had popped up on the coffee table…he hadn't mentioned her holiday themed lullabies when he was home to hear them at their granddaughter's nap time. He had acted like he hadn't overheard her telling McKenzie that they'd make a batch of Christmas cookies on her next day back. He hadn't wanted to bring up those little hints that she was looking forward to the holiday; he had been afraid a mention might jar her and send her back into that corner where she swore off the holiday as much as he'd allow. He figured it would be best to just let it happen naturally and congratulate her on it after the fact.

Well, that was all shot to hell now.

Jim rubbed the back of his neck and headed for the kitchen, hoping he could soothe his wife's feelings. As he entered the room, he saw her wince as the point of a knife nicked the tip of her finger. "I wish you wouldn't wash dishes when you're distracted, sweetheart," he said gently as he made his way to her side and took her hand, examining the small nick in her skin, finding it to be superficial as expected.

"They have to be washed," Johanna replied. "It just poked me a little, I'm fine. Did you see Katie off?"

"Yeah; she's been gone…I just figured I'd give you a few minutes alone."

She said nothing, merely turned back to her dishes in the sink.

"I'm disappointed too," Jim murmured as his arms slipped around her waist.

"I'm fine...I'll just miss the baby that's all, I haven't gone that long without seeing her before but as Katie reminded me, she's not my baby. It'll take a few days to feel normal without her here, especially with being off work for the next few weeks but I'll adjust. I can get things done; this house could probably stand a deep cleaning and I can go ahead and get my lesson plans put together for the spring semester…help you if you have anything you can throw on my desk."

"Jo," he said quietly; "I know you're disappointed about Christmas."

Johanna shook her head. "No, you know I don't care much about the holiday. I'm just used to babysitting now and I'll miss her while Katie's off work but it'll be fine…it's probably good for me and her; there is the occasional comment that hints that I may be too attached to her…so some time apart is probably a good thing. Besides, we like to travel and we have our own lives, we can't just stop doing the things we like just because we might be needed to babysit…there are going to be times when we don't see her. It'll be hard this time but it'll be a good thing in the long run."

His arms tightened around her. "Babe, this has nothing to do with babysitting or being too attached. It's about Christmas…and how you were looking forward to having a baby in the house for the holiday."

"No, I'm fine," she stated; "It's better this way, I won't have to pretend to be enjoying it. I can get that tree put away now; I only put it out for McKenzie's sake."

"I don't believe that," he murmured. "That tree has been lit up on days when she's not here so I think maybe you enjoyed it a little yourself…so leave it where it is. It's alright to be upset…I'm disappointed too."

"I'm telling you I'm fine," Johanna remarked but he heard the quiver in her voice. "It's just another day…I didn't really expect to see them for the holiday despite what I said earlier so no harm done. Let Katie go to Vermont and strap some sticks to her boots and go flying down the mountain like she wants while her daughter is with a babysitter in some lodge where nothing is familiar to her. It seems like they're only taking Martha along to babysit so it's a good thing we weren't invited or we'd be sitting in a boring ski lodge trying to keep McKenzie entertained."

"I did notice that we weren't invited," Jim remarked.

"That's no surprise…and I don't care that we weren't. I prefer our own vacations."

"I mentioned to Katie that we could always show up in Vermont; that it had been a long time since I skied…and she said I was too old to ski."

Johanna turned in his arms, outrage on her face. "You are not old!" she exclaimed. "How dare she say that to you!?"

"She also said you should give up ice skating."

"She's calling me old too!" she said in outrage. "That little brat; it's a good thing I won't be seeing her for the next two weeks or I'd show her how young I still am by kicking her ass."

"She was probably hoping to offend us so we couldn't care that she won't be around," Jim remarked as he kept his wife in the circle of his embrace. "But we do care…and you can play your tough girl card all you want but I know you're hurting."

"I'm fine; I know I cried a little when she told us we wouldn't have the baby the next two weeks and I didn't mean to and I shouldn't have…I don't know why I did that."

"Jo…you started crying when you were telling Katie that you'd stick to that damn deal she talked you into about holidays a few years ago. It's not about babysitting…you cried because she dashed your hopes of seeing our granddaughter on Christmas. You were looking forward to Christmas with McKenzie."

She started to shake her head but his fingers softly dug into her waist. "This is me you're talking to, Jo; you can't hide it from me. You got out that little tree for McKenzie because you wanted to give her Christmas here; you hung up a stocking for her…you've been reading her Christmas storybooks and watching Christmas cartoons with her…you've been shopping for her since the end of October. I know it hurts you to think of her not even being in the same state with us on the holiday…you think if you pretend it doesn't bother you that it will somehow make it true, but it won't…we both know that, don't we?"

Tears filled her eyes and she looked away, doing her best to blink them back…but he broke her by pulling her against his chest, his voice murmuring to her. "It's alright, sweetheart."

A soft sob broke free as he ran his hand over the back of her head, his eyes closing, his heart aching for both of them. "It hurts me too," he said quietly. "It's her first Christmas and I wanted to be a part of it …and I know you did too, even though it's still a little hard for you. I've seen all the little things you've been doing…you wanted it this year."

Her arms tightened around him. "I was going to make her cookies," she whispered; "Those soft ones Mom always made for the babies at Christmas time…she's got two little teeth, she would've been able to nibble on them as long as we broke them into small pieces for her."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he murmured. "McKenzie would've liked those…and I'm sure she would've liked watching you make them from her high chair."

"I guess we'll never know…because we both know that it's always going to be this way," she replied. "We're never going to be a part of it…despite everything; despite biting our tongues at times to keep from saying the wrong thing, despite me having to go through months of 'be a better mother-in-law' lunches, despite being the babysitter…despite everything we've done to be better…it's not going to change a damn thing when it comes to things like this. In this area, we're always going to be on the outside."

Jim held her tighter. "I wish I could say you're wrong…but I can't promise things will change one day. I wish I could."

"It's okay…at least we have each other now…instead of how it was when I couldn't be here."

He nodded. "That's right, as long we're together, we'll be fine."

She breathed deeply. "I guess there's no reason for us to hang around here for the holiday."

"We can stay home; there's no law that says we have to leave town every Christmas."

Johanna shook her head. "I'd rather go to the cabin…that's our thing; we may as well stick with it."

"Are you sure?" he asked; "Because if you don't want to, we can stay home, I won't get mad…we had kind of already planned on it because of the baby."

"No…I want to go, if we can…or is work an issue?"

"No," he answered. "I have some things I'd need to take with me to go over and work on but nothing that absolutely requires my presence at the office. I made sure I didn't have anything that required time at the office until January…I wanted to be able to spend time with you and McKenzie."

"I guess that will teach us to plan our lives around something that hasn't been guaranteed to us."

"Yeah, I guess that's true. If we're going to the cabin though, the same stipulations as usual apply."

"I figured as much," she murmured as she continued to snuggle against his chest. "I'm fine with the usual stipulations though as long as we can go."

"We can go…when do you want to leave?"

"As soon as possible," she remarked. "We can't head out tomorrow though because we need to pack and go get groceries for us and food for Scarlett to take up there with us."

"Let's aim for Monday," Jim replied; "That way we have the weekend to get things in order."

"Alright; I can get the house cleaned before we go…and then when we get up there, I'm sure I'll need to do some cleaning before you pull out the tree; we haven't been up there in a few months."

"We'll get everything taken care of," he promised. "It's going to be alright."

"I know," she said softly; "I was just hoping it would be a little more alright than usual…but I was wrong again."

"I know the feeling," he replied quietly his hand moving over the back of her head. "I just don't have a cure for it unfortunately."

Johanna closed her eyes and held on to him tightly; she didn't have a cure either…all she had were tactics designed to keep it all away. She would clean and make lists, organize plans…keep busy…pretend it didn't hurt when they all knew it did.

* * *

As usual, McKenzie had dozed off in the car on the way home but the sound of the elevator doors in the garage opening startled her, causing her to whimper in her carrier.

"It's alright, Kenzie," Kate murmured as she stepped onto the elevator. "It's just the elevator…I know the doors squeak a little and it scares you but it's okay. We're almost home…are you ready to see Daddy?"

Her daughter fussed; annoyance on her small features at being woke from her nap. "Hey, it's okay," she told her soothingly as she looked on at the baby, seeing her slipping her thumb into her mouth. "I hope we didn't leave your binky at Grandma's again…because I'm afraid if we did, you're going to have to make do with your thumb since you have to be particular about what kind you like. I don't know if Daddy will want to go on a binky run and there's no way Mommy's going back to Grandma's tonight…I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be welcomed back tonight, baby girl."

McKenzie's face scrunched up, a cry spilling from her lips. "Okay, I'll go back if it's not in the bag," Kate said, her hand digging in the pockets of the diaper bag, hoping to find the pacifier as the elevator doors slid open. "Please tell me it's inside the bag," she muttered as she came up empty while stepping off the elevator.

Her baby continued to cry as she put her key in the lock of the door and sung it open, stepping inside the warm loft and closing the door behind her.

"What's wrong with my jellybean?" Castle asked as he stepped out of the kitchen.

"She fell asleep in the car and the damn squeaky elevator door downstairs woke her up," Kate said as she sat the carrier down and began the task of undoing the buckles so she could lift her daughter out. "Now she's unhappy…and I forgot to make sure her binky is in the bag so I'm going to have to search it here in a minute."

"Did you tell your mother about our plans?"

She gave a short laugh. "Yeah, I told her…that wasn't pretty."

"How not pretty?" he asked.

"Let's just say unhappiness seems to be hereditary at the moment," Kate remarked as she stood with McKenzie in her arms, her hand rubbing her back soothingly. "It's okay, Kenzie girl. It's okay."

"She's probably hungry," Castle remarked as he grabbed the diaper bag to search for their daughter's preferred pacifier.

"She just had her bottle at Mom's; she couldn't wait. She hasn't had her baby food yet though…so I guess it's possible that she's still a little hungry."

"Here's the binky!" Castle exclaimed as he pulled it from his bag, examining it to make sure it was clean before reaching over and sticking it in his daughter's mouth. McKenzie quieted and snuggled against her mother.

"Thank God it was in there," Kate remarked. "I did not want to go back there…in fact, look up that specific pacifier online again and order about ten of them."

"We did that…three months ago…after we lost the first five…and we're still down to only this one…I swear it's like some pacifier eating troll comes in at night and takes those damn things," her husband replied.

She nodded as she made her way to a chair at the table so she could set down with her baby. "It does seem that way; although I'm pretty sure I lost one at the doctor's office…and we don't rule out that Scarlett took off with one at my mother's although it hasn't been located…and I'm pretty sure we left one in the Hamptons…but still, that leaves some unaccounted for…so order twenty this time and maybe we'll come out ahead."

"I'll get on that right after dinner which should be here any minute," he replied. "I'll pay for express shipping so they get here this weekend so we can take a few with us to Vermont."

"Good idea."

The arrival of their food halted their conversation as they made themselves busy with settling McKenzie in her highchair and warming up her baby food as Kate took a moment to shed her coat and boots.

"So your mother took the two weeks off badly?" Castle asked, watching as Kate tested the temperature of McKenzie's food against her own lip before she fed it to their daughter.

"Yeah, she wasn't exactly happy to hear the news…there may have been tears and the comment that McKenzie loves her more than I do."

"Wow, she pulled out the A-level guilt."

"She always does," Kate replied with a nod. "They also weren't happy that I waited until today to tell them about my time off."

"I told you that was going to come back to bite you," her husband replied.

"I told you so is my mother's line, Castle; please, don't infringe on the copyright."

He smiled. "Sorry. How did they take the news about our vacation? That had to have gone better, right?"

"No; it didn't really go well either…they got upset and I got defensive. They planned to stay in the city this year because they thought I'd need them to babysit. They invited us to Christmas dinner…that's when I had to tell them that we're going away. They're so not crazy about Vermont."

"They don't have to be; they're not going," Castle replied as he reached for his drink; "And we don't need permission to go."

Kate suppressed a sigh as she swallowed a bite of her dinner. "They said if we want snow, we could all go to the cabin with them…they have plenty of room and there will be snow there."

Castle shook his head. "We can't ski there…and we want a tree and decorations for McKenzie."

"Mom claims that she decorates at the cabin."

"What, another puny tree on a stand?" he asked. "Besides, I don't think we'd be very comfortable staying with them…"

"I'm not uncomfortable staying with my parents. When you went on that week long book tour when McKenzie was a month old; I stayed with them because I wasn't ready to be on my own with her for that long…I was still afraid of every little thing."

"I know," Castle said gently; "And there was nothing wrong with that, Kate; I told you that on the phone when we talked that first night apart and you were upset…I told you to go stay with them…but it's different for you; they're you're parents so of course you're always comfortable being under their roof. Mother wouldn't be comfortable there, despite the fact that she and Johanna are getting along a little better these days…but she wouldn't like it and I don't see her doing it. I don't see Alexis being comfortable there either."

"I know," Kate admitted as she gave McKenzie another bite of her dinner. "I mentioned that too…I just feel bad; they were looking at me like I was robbing them."

"They'll be fine; don't feel bad. We're allowed to leave town once in awhile."

"I know…but…I guess they did intend on being here…they wanted to see McKenzie for Christmas."

"We can Skype them on Christmas day."

She shook her head. "Not if they decide to go to the cabin, and I'm sure they will. The cell signal isn't always great…I don't think Skype will work. They have a landline up there because they don't like to chance relying on the cell service alone."

"Understandable," Castle replied; "But they'll be fine. It's not our fault that we thought they were disinterested."

Maybe it was a little bit their fault, Kate thought to herself. It wasn't like they had asked her parents what their plans or intentions were for the holidays. "Maybe we should invite them to go with us," she remarked, spooning another bite of food into McKenzie's mouth before picking up her fork again.

"Kate; I can't add another room to our request…our reservations aren't set in stone yet. I can't ask Sheila for additional rooms. Besides, you didn't mention wanting them to go when we discussed it…you said it would give you a better excuse for not being around."

"I know, and it does…but I feel bad. You didn't see their faces, Castle."

"Kate; we're not going to live our lives around your parents need to constantly see McKenzie every other day…we want to have a special first Christmas for McKenzie and a vacation for us while you have time off. We shouldn't have to take them along just because they know how to guilt trip."

"We're taking _your_ mother," she replied.

"That's different; Mother lives with us…and she knows how to celebrate Christmas in the manner intended."

"So since Martha lives with us, does that mean we're taking her on every vacation with us?"

"No; not the ones that are just you and me."

"Have you even told Martha and Alexis about wanting to do this trip?" she asked; "Because you just sprung it on me today."

"No; I thought I'd make sure everything was settled first. I'm sure there won't be any problem…Alexis will most likely have friends up there on their own ski trips and where else would Mother go if she didn't come with us?"

Kate sighed a little. "I wish you had thought this up sooner so we could've had more discussion about it."

"What is there to discuss?" Castle asked. "Life is meant to be as spontaneous as possible. The idea came, we liked it, you said get the ball rolling…now you seem like you're changing your mind because your mom cried."

Kate shot him a look. "Well next time we have news to give that she won't like, you tell her and look at her face."

"I've seen her cry, didn't bother me a bit," he replied. "It only bothers me when you, Alexis or McKenzie cry."

"Well it bothers me!" she exclaimed. "You didn't see her…she even sent home McKenzie's little stocking she had for her at their house, telling me to take it on vacation with us so if it gets lost it won't be the one we bought."

"That's not a bad idea," he said with a nod.

"Really? That's what you take away from it?" she asked. "She took it down and said she had no use for it if the baby wasn't going to be around. I wished her a Merry Christmas and she said 'what the hell is so merry about it now'?"

"Kate; we're not living our lives around your mother's need to be a grandmother every second of her life. This is why it's good for us to take McKenzie and go away once in awhile; so they separate a little. I want this trip for us…for our family…and I don't want you to feel guilty about having it. We can have our family time and your parents can remember who they were before they became grandparents. It's going to be good for all of us."

"I just wish we had thought this all out sooner," she remarked. "I didn't say that I don't want to go…and there would've been a time when upsetting my parents wouldn't have mattered to me as much as it did today…but things are different now. I want us to have a wonderful Christmas…you have warmed me up on the idea of the trip…but next year, we're not doing this last minute thing…and we're going to make sure no one gets shunned…I don't care what their personal attitude is about the season, next year…we do better."

"Okay," Castle agreed. "Next year we plan earlier and do better."

She smiled a little as McKenzie babbled in the highchair. A part of her still felt guilty…and she wasn't sure she'd be able to shake the feeling before they went to Vermont.

* * *

After the kitchen had been cleaned up, Jim watched Johanna go through her usual end of the week cleanup in the living room, which meant putting McKenzie's things away until her next return…which wouldn't be as soon as they had expected thanks to Katie's news that evening. He breathed deeply, watching as Johanna put the baby's toys into the pink storage bin that she stowed behind the doors of the TV stand to keep Scarlett out of them. He could just shake Katie for not telling them sooner about her time off…he didn't begrudge her taking the time, she should whenever she could…but if they had known sooner, they could've planned to have a Christmas celebration with McKenzie today…it might have dulled the ache of not seeing her on the actual holiday…it might have kept that feeling of yet another empty season from rising within them. Why did she always have to do things that way?

It seemed to be one of those questions of life that he'd never have the answer to…and he figured it would never change. Sometimes it felt like nothing ever would change…and on the other hand, it felt like everything had changed and he and Johanna were always left behind as everything and everyone raced on past them. It was supposed to be different this year…at least he had imagined it would be. As the holiday had approached, he had thought about his parents…how his mother fussed about having all of her kids and grandchildren under her roof for at least part of the day; how his father had spent the day playing with his grandchildren and telling the yearly epic saga of some gift he had to put together. He thought of Johanna's parents; Naomi with her open invitation to all family on Christmas…the softness Frank gave to his grandchildren that he didn't usually give to anyone else. Their parents had taken pride in having their children and grandchildren come through the door on the holidays…they had joy and good memories…and he had wanted that for himself and Johanna now that they had reached this stage of life.

He wanted to spoil his granddaughter…wanted to watch his wife fussing with dinner and gifts and making everything perfect for the family members coming through the door. He wanted the kind of holidays for them that their parents had had…but it didn't seem meant to be.

Jim frowned at the thought as Johanna pulled the mat out of the playpen and then released the sides so that she could grasp the small ring at the bottom and pull the playpen up into a folded position. "That's a lot easier than the playpen we had for Katie," he commented.

Johanna nodded as she wrapped the mat around the playpen and fastened the Velcro straps that would hold the bundle together. "It is…and a lot smaller to store," she said as she picked up the awkward bundle.

"I'll take it for you," Jim said, rising from the chair and taking it from her hands.

"Alright, you take that and I'll drag the walker," she replied.

"Where do you want it, office or closet?"

"Let's just put it in the office as usual; we have more room there and it's easier to get it in and out."

"That's true," he agreed as he carried the playpen out of the room, Johanna following behind him with the baby's walker. They stored the items off to the side of the room in their office where it would be out of the way and then they retreated back down the hallway to the living room.

"We can take the baby gate down," Johanna said, pausing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Scarlett will be so happy," Jim remarked as he released the gate.

"I don't know, I kind of think she likes jumping over it," she replied as he put the gate in the hallway.

"It didn't take her long to figure that trick out. I kind of worry that one day she'll have a little too much momentum running down the stairs to make her leap and she'll end up bouncing off the wall because she overshot the landing."

A smile crept across her lips. "That wouldn't be pretty."

"The vet bill wouldn't be pretty either."

"We'll hope it doesn't come to that," Johanna said as she moved into the living room, gathering up the blankets she used when McKenzie was on the floor and the soft cloth she used to wipe the baby's face and hands when needed.

"Why don't you sit down and relax for a little while," Jim said as he picked up the newspaper from the stand.

She shook her head. "I'll clean some more…I need to throw this stuff in the clothes basket and get it all washed while she's not here. I could probably go ahead and throw a load of laundry in the washer; it could be washing while I'm cleaning in here. That will be a little less on the to-do list for this weekend."

"We'll get it all done, Jo," he replied, knowing her tactics well, ramble to keep the real topic at bay…keep busy so the feelings stayed pushed down.

"No better time like the present," she stated as she headed out of the room to get the clothes basket so she could gather up the laundry.

He let her go without another word, knowing it was better to let her be busy for now. He gave his attention to the newspaper, all the while listening to the sounds of her moving through the house. She hadn't returned by the time he finished with the paper but Scarlett hopped up on his lap, demanding attention. "What's wrong; is your mommy neglecting you?" he asked her as he petted her. "I'm sure she'll be in here before long. We're going to go to the cabin in a few days; I expect you to behave yourself as well as you did last time for the car ride."

Scarlett purred beneath his hand and he smiled; he'd never regret bringing that little grey and white tabby home from the shelter to Johanna. She was his wife's baby…and he had to admit, she was fun to have around and she had accepted McKenzie without issue; guarded her during nap times and entertained her; and so far had tireless patience when it came to the baby and her excited little hands every time Scarlett was near her. The cat rubbed her head against his leg and settled in as he gave his attention to the TV.

By the time Johanna finally made her way back to the living room, Jim was watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond on TV, Scarlett half asleep on his lap. He noted that his wife had came armed with the can of furniture polish and a dust rag but he said nothing as she began her work. He watched subtly as she polished stands and shelves until they gleamed and wiped off pictures and knickknacks. She was on a mission, he couldn't help but think…so far it was a silent mission but a mission none the less as she attacked the coffee table, cleaning it and straightening the magazines.

When she made her way to the stand by the sofa and reached for the cord to unplug the small tree, Jim reached out and caught hold of her wrist. "Let it be, Jo," he said gently.

"Why?"

"Because it's not hurting anything. I know you put it out for McKenzie to look at but you like it and you should enjoy it…you've always loved these ornaments of your grandmother's and you like the lights. Just leave it where it is."

"We're going away," Johanna replied. "There's no reason why I can't put it back in the attic."

"We'll put it away when we get back. We'll enjoy it while we're home."

"It's kind of hard to enjoy at the moment," she stated.

"I know…but we'll do it anyway."

"Did you catch Katie's digs about it? Like it isn't good enough because it's small."

He nodded. "Yeah, I heard her…I know it hurt your feelings."

"It might be small but it was better than nothing…I could've done nothing."

"I know; but you did do something because you love McKenzie. That's all that matters, not the size."

"They act like you have to have Rockefeller Center in your living room and Rockettes out on the law," she remarked, a touch of bitterness in her tone.

Jim grinned. "I know a few neighbors who probably wouldn't mind seeing some Rockettes on the lawn."

She smirked at him in amusement. "_You_ probably wouldn't mind seeing some Rockettes on the lawn."

He shook his head. "What do I need a Rockette for when I have you and your very sexy legs in the house?"

Johanna laughed as she leaned over to kiss him. "Those girls are a lot younger than me though…their legs might look better."

"Not in my eyes," he replied, his hand patting her leg. "I like these…and everything else you have," he told her, giving her a exaggerated leer.

She patted his cheek as she stole another kiss. "I like everything you have too."

"How could you not?" he teased.

"There's that Beckett conceit," she remarked with a grin as she gave him a playful swat.

"Why don't you go put your cleaning stuff away and sit down here with me for awhile?" Jim replied. "Your cat and I might start to feel neglected."

"Alright," she said, relenting on continuing her cleaning spree. "I guess I can finish up tomorrow."

He nodded. "You need a break; you had the baby all day, you made dinner, you've cleaned the kitchen and in here, there's laundry downstairs washing…call it a day, sweetheart."

Johanna gave a nod, heading to the kitchen to put her cleaning items away. A part of her would rather stay busy…she didn't want to be idle; it would only lead to her dwelling on the disappointment that had swept across her heart like a winter storm. Of all the times her daughter could've chosen to leave town, she had to pick Christmas…her baby's first Christmas, where she'd be away from everything that was familiar, where there was a chance of having gifts lost or forgotten. Who took their child away on their first Christmas for a damn ski trip? It was crazy…just downright crazy…not that she could say so to anyone but her husband, but still…there had to be some other reason besides skiing. She could feel it in her bones; there was something about this sudden trip that didn't set right.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 4

Later that night, Kate sat in the nursery, McKenzie cradled in her arms as she gently rocked in the rocking chair. Her daughter had fallen asleep ten minutes before but she wasn't ready to lay her down in her crib just yet. She cherished these quiet moments, just her and her baby in the nursery, the sounds of the loft somewhat muted upstairs. She breathed deeply, inhaling McKenzie's scent; sometimes she still worried about her being upstairs while their room was downstairs…she had even suggested that perhaps they should move their room upstairs but Castle wasn't about to swap rooms with his mother…and Alexis's room always had to be ready for her use during school breaks…and the guest room might be needed. No solution had seemed suitable…and so she had to make do with a baby monitor and frequent trips upstairs to check on her baby.

She was sure that the only time she had an uninterrupted night's sleep was on those occasions when her parents kept McKenzie overnight which was about once a month. McKenzie had been sleeping through the night since she was three months old…but she still woke up at least twice to make the trek upstairs…just to make sure all was well…all the while cursing having a downstairs bedroom. Kate sighed, her eyes closing as she savored the feel of her baby nestled against her. She hadn't known that she could ever love someone as much as she loved McKenzie. Her eyes opened and she smiled down at the baby, taking in her soft features and her head full of dark hair. She was perfect, she mused…perfect in every way.

It was everything else that was suddenly not perfect, Kate thought to herself. Her husband had somewhat blindsided her with this idea of the ski trip…but he had also made her like the idea…at least for the most part. On the other hand, there was still a tiny part of her that wasn't sure it was a good idea for McKenzie's first Christmas. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she kind of liked her father's idea of just her and Castle going for a few days for New Year's while they kept the baby. They hadn't really had more than the occasional night to themselves since McKenzie was born; and while she loved her baby more than life…she wouldn't mind having a few days with her husband…and she'd be able to enjoy it knowing that her baby was safe, warm, and well cared for in the home of her grandparents.

She wondered if maybe she should bring up the idea…perhaps he'd like it and they could aim for that and stay in the city for Christmas. If they stayed in the city, their overabundance of holiday decorations wouldn't feel like they had been put up for nothing. If they stayed, they wouldn't have to worry about transporting McKenzie's gifts.

If they stayed…her parents could see McKenzie for the holidays and then they wouldn't look at her like she had robbed them.

Kate blew out a soft breath; she supposed she was robbing them in a way by taking their only grandchild out of the state for Christmas, denying them the option of seeing her. They hadn't fussed much when she turned them down for Thanksgiving…there had been the note of disappointment in her mother's tone when she finally told her but she had taken it okay. Today's news hadn't been taken well…she kept thinking about the looks on their faces…Christmas wasn't their thing anymore but apparently they had anticipated making an exception for their granddaughter…but how was she to know that in the first place? The topic of the holiday always felt taboo…it was always put off until the last minute when there was no choice but to announce plans. She didn't like to feel badly for having holiday plans that didn't include her parents…but she also didn't like feeling like she had hurt them and taken something from them.

She sighed deeply; holidays were a pain in the ass, there was no doubt about that…but for McKenzie she'd make sure it was a good holiday no matter where they ended up, she thought to herself as she kissed her baby's forehead and then rose from the chair with her. She carefully laid McKenzie in the crib, keeping a reassuring hand on her as she stirred and shifted to get comfortable. Seeing that the baby would stay down, she checked the monitor to make sure it was on and then left the room.

* * *

Castle glanced up from his laptop as his wife entered his office. "Hey," he said quietly. "Did you have trouble getting McKenzie down?"

"No, why?" she asked as she sat down in one of the chairs.

"You were up there a good while; I thought maybe she didn't want to go to bed since she napped a little in the car."

"No, she went down without issue," Kate replied. "I just wanted to hold her for awhile."

He sighed, they kept having this…difference of opinion…on how best to put their daughter to sleep. "You really shouldn't do that all the time, Kate; she needs to start learning to fall asleep on her own."

"I'm not letting my baby cry herself to sleep; I've already told you that," she said firmly. "I'm at work all day, when I come home, I'm cuddling and playing with my baby…and I'm rocking her to sleep."

"Well when I put her to bed, I let her fall asleep on her own…yes, she cries, but she goes to sleep…and when you do it, you hold her even after she's asleep and it keeps her from learning. I told you what the books say, Kate."

She smiled. "Yeah; and I told you what to do with your book, Rick. If I want to rock my baby to sleep, I will rock my baby to sleep. If I want to hold her for ten minutes after she goes to sleep, I'll hold her. My mother rocked me to sleep when I was a baby and by the time I was a toddler, I was falling asleep during story time, it was not detrimental to my development."

"Just because your mother did it doesn't mean we should do it."

"If it was good enough for me, it's good enough for my baby," she remarked. "I'm not having this argument with you every night. I put McKenzie to bed and I do it my way. If you want to torment her by making her cry when you put her down for naps, that's on you…but during my time off, I will be rocking her to sleep at nap time so go ahead and get mad and get over it because I'm not letting her cry."

"It's not good for her to always need you to hold her to go to sleep."

Kate eyed him. "I don't think it's so much about you being worried that it's not good for her…I think it's that you don't like that she prefers me to put her to bed."

"She prefers you because you hold her all night. When Alexis was her age, I was training her to fall asleep on her own as the book says."

"Castle, I don't raise my kid based on a book…that person doesn't know my baby. I know my baby. I know the methods used in my family…I grew up fine, so did all of my cousins. I don't care what you did to Alexis; she's not Alexis…she's McKenzie and McKenzie has a mother who is happy to rock her to sleep at night so we have our special time and she goes to sleep feeling safe, warm and loved. Get over it because I'm not stopping."

"I'm trying to do what's best for McKenzie…you holding her all the time is about you, Kate," he replied.

"Yeah, it's about me loving my baby…it's about my baby feeling loved…now do you really want to continue this argument? Because every time we have to have this discussion, I get a little more pissed. You raised Alexis your way…McKenzie will be raised by both of us and your ways aren't always going to be mine. I'm not just going to do what you say because you think you did it right the first time."

"You talk about me and yet you think your mother is the gospel on childcare and she only raised you."

She smirked at him. "She also had a lot of nieces and nephews that she had a hand in caring for at one time or another…not to mention that she went on the expertise of her mother, grandmother and mother-in-law…so yeah, I think she's got more going for her than that stupid book you refer to like a bible."

"Fine," he remarked; "When McKenzie's three and you still have to hold her to get her to sleep, that's on you."

"Fine with me," she replied; "It's a risk I'm willing to take and I'll still be more than happy to hold her at three."

"Fine…learn the hard way…and then I'll do it my way."

"You know, I get a little tired of you acting like you're a better parent than me just because you had a kid before. I don't have to raise McKenzie exactly like you raised Alexis," Kate retorted. "McKenzie is my first baby and I'm going to hold her and enjoy her as much as I want and I don't give a damn if you or your little book like it or not."

"Fine, Kate; do it your way," he shot back. "I have experience parenting a child, but by all means, do everything exactly the way your mommy did it…because that's what you want. You told me once that when you were a kid, you wanted to be just like your mother…and you're still like that…you want to be just like Johanna, raise your kid the way Johanna raised you, do everything her way because you're still trying to shove your feet into her high heels."

"We wear the same size shoe, I don't have to shove my feet into her heels, they fit just right. Why do you suddenly have an issue with my mother again? I thought you were over that bullshit."

"Because as much as you're sick of me and my parenting book, I'm just as sick of your 'but my mother did it this way' bullshit. She is not the patron saint of childcare, Kate!"

"Neither are you, jackass!"

"See, right there, you are your mother."

She smirked at him. "It's a good thing I have the shoes for it."

Castle breathed deeply. "Okay, let's just stop this…I don't know why we keep doing this lately but it needs to stop."

She felt like some of it stemmed from the fact that he sometimes seemed to think she was stupid when it came to taking care of her own baby but she didn't say so. "Maybe it's because we haven't had much time alone together since McKenzie was born," she remarked.

"We're alone together right now; she goes to bed at eight."

Kate rolled her eyes. "That's not what I meant, Castle. I mean we haven't had a lot of time for just each other. We leave her with my parents one Saturday night a month…and maybe that isn't enough. Maybe we need to go away together for a few days…and not talk so much about parenting stuff for those few days."

Castle pondered that for a few minutes. "You could be right…maybe we do need a getaway without the baby. We have been in parent mode…and having a baby isn't always easy on the marriage."

"Yeah…I know you'll hate hearing me say this but I was warned about that during the pregnancy."

He gave her a hint of a smile. "Maybe your mother should've reminded me about it during your pregnancy."

"She was probably afraid you'd get mad and put it on your list of lunch topics," Kate remarked.

"That's possible," he admitted. "So maybe sometime in January we could go away for the weekend."

"Well…my Dad mentioned something that seemed like a good idea the more I thought about it while holding my baby," she remarked. "What if, instead of going to Vermont for Christmas, we went for New Year's? My parents are willing to keep McKenzie and we could go, just the two of us…skiing and nice romantic dinners…a few nights to ourselves. What do you think?"

He shook his head. "The plans are in motion for Christmas."

"They're not set in stone," Kate replied. "It might be easier to go for New Year's."

"No; we already talked about doing it for Christmas and I'm sure the reservations will come through."

"Why does it have to be Christmas?"

"So McKenzie's first Christmas will be special by having that magical snow filled white Christmas atmosphere. It's a family Christmas trip…Alexis has been mentioning wanting to go skiing and since she's off from school it also works as something I can do with her as well."

"So really this trip is about Alexis."

"No, it's about all of us…you wanting to change it to New Year's is about you wanting to appease your parents."

"Changing it to New Year's would be making it about us," she replied. "Is it so terrible? I mean we'll have the time…you suggested January, but I can't take a long weekend in January when I'm taking vacation time right now for the holidays."

"Then we'll go in February," he stated.

Her brow rose. "You want to wait until February to be alone with me? Should I be worried about this relationship?"

"No; but should I be worried that now that we have a child, your parents are going to be constantly meddling in our plans when they don't like them?" he asked; "Because you can deny it all you want, but changing the plans is about them, not us."

"I brought it up because it does seem like a good idea… we could stand a few days together without the baby…and Alexis…and your mother…and before you bring it up, I'll throw mine in too just for the sake of peace," Kate stated. "For seven months we've been primarily baby, which we're supposed to be, plus there's work for both of us…and we just need to carve out some time together…don't you think?"

"Yes, of course," he replied. "But I want us to have our family Christmas that we planned today."

"We can have family Christmas in New York, Rick. Your mother lives with us, she'll be here…"

"Is it suddenly a problem that my mother lives here?" he asked.

"No!" she exclaimed; "My God, I'm just making a point; Martha lives here so she'll be here for family Christmas no matter what. Alexis is on break from school…"

"And hardly around if you notice," he stated.

She laughed. "She has a boyfriend who has his own place; of course she isn't around a lot. She's in love, she's in a relationship…and she's not a child anymore, but I'm sure she'll be here for Christmas."

"I think if we don't go skiing, she'll choose to go with her friends."

"Then let her go," Kate replied. "It's not like you can stop her."

"No, I don't want her going off without us this year. I want a family Christmas. McKenzie should be with her big sister on her first Christmas."

"You're big on family Christmas but you don't mind McKenzie not seeing my family on the holiday," she stated.

"We talked about that," he said with a sigh. "They don't exactly scream happy holidays kind of relatives. We said we wanted a happy Christmas for McKenzie."

"We do…but she can have one here at home…and then we can have a happy New Year alone together at a nice resort, secure in the knowledge that our daughter is in the capable hands of her grandparents."

Castle sighed heavily. "Kate, I'm not changing the arrangements we've already been trying to make. Your parents will get over it. As for us going away, we'll find a time and if they don't want to watch her, we'll find someone else."

Kate shook her head. "I'm not going out of town and leaving my baby with someone who isn't blood related."

"Then we'll make sure she's with your chosen sitter when the time comes," he remarked.

She sighed in disgust. "I don't know why you won't even consider the switch? I mean I let you talk me into going to Vermont in the first place."

"Yes, and now your mother cried and talked you into not going."

"No, she didn't!" she yelled. "My father mentioned the idea of us going on our own for a few days."

"See, that's the problem I have," Castle remarked. "You don't want to go away and have alone time together because it was your idea; you want to go because it was daddy's idea that he probably thought up as soon as the first tear sprung to your mother's eye because he always has to make things better for her. If it had started as your idea and your idea alone, I'd be open to it…but I'm not doing it so you can make your parents happy, Kate. We are adults, we have a family, we make our plans, not them. There was a time when you would've never even considered bringing one of their ideas to the table…but we have a baby and suddenly everything they say sounds good to you. Why? We are not that desperate for a babysitter that you have to go along with everything they say."

Kate silently counted to ten…they kept having these stupid little fights…either about their differences on parenting, differences about family, about what to eat for dinner and any other thing they could bicker about lately. She was wondering if she should start to worry…or if it was just one of those rocky times that her mother had warned her about. "What's your problem today, Castle?" she asked, keeping her tone soft.

"At the moment it's my wife wanting to dismantle our family Christmas trip," he replied.

"Castle, you didn't even think this idea up until today…so what's going on?" she asked.

"Nothing; I just thought it would be nice to get away. We can have a white Christmas, McKenzie can have time with her sister and grandmother…maybe if you spend some time away from your parents, you'll be yourself again…we can have some time together while Mother watches McKenzie at the lodge."

"What the hell do you mean by I'll be myself again?" she retorted.

"Not so uptight," he replied. "You're always uptight this time of year because of your parents."

Kate stared at him for a long minute. "You know what; I don't feel like doing this tonight…I'm _not_ going to do this tonight. Whatever it is that's bothering you, it isn't me, it isn't my parents, it's not McKenzie's sleep habits. When you're ready to tell me what it is, I'll be ready to listen, okay? Until them, I'm going to go get my shower and watch some TV while you do your work."

"Fine," he retorted as he watched his wife abandon her chair and head for the bedroom. He sighed deeply once she was out of sight; he just wanted a family Christmas…because he felt like the opportunities for having one were dwindling. It might escape Kate's notice but it didn't escape his…his mother spent several days a week with her long-time boyfriend Ben…and now Alexis was slipping away too, all involved with her boyfriend and hardly coming home at all. He didn't like the way things were changing and yet he knew there wasn't much he could do about it…but they were going to have family Christmas…and he didn't care if his in-laws liked it or not; he was going to have his family for Christmas. He just wished Sheila would hurry up and come through with the reservations…Kate would settle about the idea once it was set in stone. She'd see that it was still the good idea that she had thought it was earlier that day…before her mother cried and her father offered up helpful suggestions. She'd see that his way was for the best; a nice white Christmas in Vermont with their family…there was nothing better than that.

* * *

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" Jim asked as he entered their bedroom after getting ready for bed.

"Making a list for the market," Johanna replied. "I know one of the stipulations for going to the cabin is that I make a holiday meal, which I planned on anyway…and you've been recently undecided about what you want for Christmas dinner so I need you to decide so we know what to buy tomorrow. Do you want ham or do you want turkey?"

Jim settled into bed next to her. "Honestly, I kind of want turkey again…we could have ham for Easter; but what about you? Are you okay with having turkey for Christmas when we had it for Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, I'm fine with it; I prefer it actually," she replied as she wrote turkey on her list.

"Will you make me another pumpkin pie?" he asked.

A small smile touched her lips. "Yes, dear."

Jim smiled, his hand rubbing her leg. "You're so good to me."

"I try, honey. What else do we want or need?"

"Potatoes."

"Already on the list. I'll have to get things to make the dressing for the turkey," she remarked as she wrote down a few more items.

"And you're going to make your mother's rolls, right?"

"Yes."

"And don't forget the ingredients for the fudge."

"Am I making fudge?" Johanna asked lightly.

"If you love me you will."

"Then I guess I better write down those ingredients as well because I do love you madly."

He gave a grin, his hand slipping beneath the covers to brush against the skin of her leg. "Madly, huh? How madly?"

"Not now, honey; I have a list to make."

"I can wait until you're finished…remember, you trained me a long time ago to be patient."

"I remember," she laughed; "But I think you're going to have to wait until we're at the cabin."

"That's two days away, sweetheart…this is the season for goodwill toward men, not cruel and unusual punishment."

Johanna laughed. "I'm hardly punishing you…you know I'm capable of way better punishment than making you wait two days."

"True; but still…it is the season of goodwill toward men."

"And what do the women get?"

He pondered that for a moment and then grinned at her. "The satisfaction of knowing they bestowed goodwill?"

"That doesn't sound like the sentiment of an equal opportunity season, darling."

Jim laughed quietly, his fingertips drawing circles against her skin. "Now you know that it's always fair and balanced between us, sweetheart…it's not over until we've both gotten what we wanted."

A grin curved her lips upward. "That is true…but not tonight…I'll be more in the mood when we're settled in at the cabin."

He patted her leg affectionately, letting her know that he wasn't bothered by being turned down. "Are you going to make the peppermint cake?"

She shrugged a little. "Do you want it?"

"You know I do…I wish you'd forgive me for that one you made the first year you were home."

"There's nothing to forgive," she replied; "You didn't like it as much and I made it wrong…it had been a long time, I wouldn't be mad if you didn't like it anymore after such a long time."

"Sweetheart, we've had more Christmases together than we've had apart."

"We had thirteen Christmases apart, Jim…thirteen…double digits, over a decade…things change."

"Yeah, we had thirteen Christmases apart…but we've had, counting this year, twenty-nine Christmases together."

"It should've been forty-two," she murmured.

Jim caught her chin and forced her to look at him. "It's not your fault and you know that…the amount we've had together is larger than the amount we've spent apart and we have many more to come."

"I know, but…"

"No, no buts…we both have painful memories but I know that every Christmas we were apart I was thinking of you and I know you were thinking of me. I know that it's not what you wanted…and I know that if we could go back and make it different, we would, but we can't and you made your peace about it, sweetheart…I don't want you to lose that."

She swallowed hard. "It's just this time of year…I know I didn't leave at Christmas; it was after…but I didn't get those damn decorations down before I went so it made it like it was still Christmas for all of us and it made it all worse…Christmas was tainted for you and Katie because I didn't put the decorations away."

"Jo," he said gently. "You need to stop torturing yourself about that. You weren't the only person in this house capable of putting those things away in a timely fashion. You have to find a way to let that go, sweetheart. I don't want that to eat at you every December…I want you to be able to look at a tree and enjoy it…it's part of why I make you put one up at the cabin."

"I know," she whispered as she wiped away a tear that had insisted on breaking free. "It's just…it's just easy to slip this time of year. I can't help but remember what happened…and I remember the first Christmas back and how bad it was. I just hate this time of year and I know it's terrible but I can't help it. I'm fine the rest of the year…we have friends and family and we do things, go places, I have work from mid-January to early May and then again from late August to early December. I've had McKenzie three days a week since Katie went back to work in July and during breaks from my work, sometimes you have a file or two I can look over so I'm busy and I don't have much time to think about things I shouldn't…but now it's December and Christmas is knocking on the door again…and bad memories come back. I tried not to hope for things to be different this year but I guess I did and now we know that McKenzie isn't going to be here…and even though I know it's stupid, a part of me wonders if they aren't going away just so they don't have to be around us on the holiday."

Jim took her hand. "I can't say I haven't thought the same thing; but we'll never know for sure."

"I know…and I don't feel good thinking that it might be the main reason they're going," Johanna murmured, her fingers trailing along the lines of his hand. "I know there are people who go away for Christmas….but it's usually to visit family, not to go on a ski trip when you have a seven month old baby and it's her first Christmas. I just can't help but feel like they're making sure we can't be around because we're not wanted."

"Yeah, I got that feeling too when I brought up that we could show up in Vermont and she made those cracks about age."

She sighed deeply. "I feel like I was good enough to be there through her pregnancy and I'm good enough to babysit…but I'm not good enough to be apart of my granddaughter's first Christmas. They've stayed in the state the last few years and now that they have a baby they decide to vacation at Christmas time? I mean I could understand it if Martha lived out of state and they were going to go see her for the holiday…but Martha and Alexis live here, their friends are here…we're here…but maybe that's why they're going, we're here."

"I feel that way too; that we're not wanted to be a part of the baby's first Christmas…and she couldn't make it any plainer that she wants us to head to the mountains while we're not needed…so who the hell knows, Jo; maybe they aren't even really going, maybe they just want us to go away for the holiday so there's no chance we'll pop up. I don't want to think that's true…but who knows. I'm disappointed too…and I don't know how to make it better for either one of us."

"I don't think you can," she murmured. "I know it's stupid but I feel angry and I hate that because things were good and I don't want to be angry…but I am…and I know she's grown and has a family of her own, God knows she tells us enough, but you'd think once in a blue moon, she'd spare us an hour on a holiday that matters."

"It's alright to be angry," Jim said quietly, his fingers curling around hers once more. "You don't have to push that feeling away just because things have been better. Katie did what she always does, tells us something last minute and then gets miffed when we don't take it the way she wants us to. I think we have every right to be a little hurt that we're not going to be included in McKenzie's Christmas."

"Even if it's not right I can't keep from feeling it."

"It's alright," he replied; "I know it's not going to be the Christmas that we were quietly hoping it would be but I'll do everything I can to make things nice for you this Christmas."

"You always do," Johanna whispered as she wiped away a tear. "As long as I have you I'm happy."

"I feel the same way."

"I'm glad we're going away," she remarked quietly. "It'll be better that way…if we stayed home I'd just be thinking about what we were missing. It's easier not to think those things up at the cabin."

"We're going, sweetheart," he told her, his fingertips trailing against her back. "I'll call Carl tomorrow and ask him to go down to the house and turn the heat on so it's warm when we get there and to make sure everything is alright."

Johanna nodded; Carl was a childhood friend of Jim and his brothers. He and his wife lived in his family home that wasn't too far from theirs. He kept an eye on things when they weren't around and didn't mind when Jim would call and ask him to do something for them to prepare for their arrival.

"You don't have any packages to be delivered, do you?" Jim asked, breaking into her thoughts once more.

"No, I got the last few things today. Do you think Jeff could get the mail and bring it in?"

"I'll call and ask him tomorrow; I'm sure he will. I think he and Maggie are staying home this year."

"Yeah; she mentioned that. They're allowed to have Noah for awhile on Christmas Eve."

"I'm glad they're getting that chance," he replied. "They didn't get him until after Christmas last year and I know it upset them."

"I guess it's our turn to be in that boat," Johanna remarked; "But I have a feeling we're going to be in that boat every year."

Jim wished he could say that wouldn't be the case but he felt the same way; that this year would set the precedent and it would be the way things always were. Before he could say anything, Johanna's phone rang on the nightstand. She grabbed it and frowned at the image on the screen.

"It's Katie," she stated. "I really don't feel like listening to whatever it is…and we probably know what it is."

"Then don't answer it, I won't get mad."

"What if it's something about the baby?"

"I'll answer it for you," he replied, taking the phone from her hand and accepting the call. "Hello?"

There was a pause and then his daughter's voice floated across the line. "Dad?"

"Yeah, that's what it says on your birth certificate," he replied.

"Funny," Kate replied. "I thought I hit Mom's number."

"You did."

"Why are you answering her phone?"

"Because as her husband I'm allowed to answer her phone, request certain meals and suggest that she wear certain outfits more often."

"I'm surprised you didn't say that you pick out her underwear," Kate said sarcastically.

"I have bought her some very nice things over the years," he remarked. "I've been told I have good taste."

"I did not need to know that," she replied; "And I doubt she'd want you telling people that you've bought her underwear."

"All husbands buy their wives underwear at one point or another," Jim stated; "It's just the way of life."

"I don't want to talk about your way of life…ever," Kate remarked. "Where is my mother?"

"She's taking a bath, can I take a message?"

"I thought she was usually finished with her bath by this time of night."

"Well after you insulted me and called me old, I needed to be consoled by my wife…who told me how wrong you are and now we're off schedule."

Johanna bit back a laugh, her eyes gleaming with affection as she patted his leg.

"I don't need to hear that, Dad," his daughter replied; "Because I know what you're implying and it just needs to be kept in a dark corner of your house."

"Who said it was dark; we don't care if the lights are on."

"More information I didn't need! Why are you punishing me like this!?"

"Because you deserve it," Jim replied; "Now what do you need? If it's a babysitter forget it, you've already released us from duty and told us we were un-needed."

"I don't need a babysitter and I didn't say you were un-needed in the way you implied."

"That's a matter of opinion; what did you need?"

"I was just calling to see if Mom was alright," Kate replied.

"Why wouldn't she be?" he asked.

"I know she's upset with me."

"She's fine."

"It didn't seem like it when I left."

"Did you expect her to jump for joy that don't want us around for our granddaughter's first Christmas?"

"I didn't say I don't want you around," she said with a huff. "I said that we made plans to go away because we want McKenzie's first Christmas to be special; we want her to have snow."

"I doubt McKenzie cares about snow; she's seven months old, it's not like she can go out and play in it."

"Well we care, Rick wants a white Christmas."

"Then why can't you come up to the cabin?" Jim asked. "We could all go; there's room for everyone."

"Dad," she sighed; "Martha and Alexis aren't going to want to stay there, I don't think they'd feel comfortable there."

"We gave a solution for that."

"I don't think it would be right for me to say well we're staying with my parents and you two can go stay at the hotel if you don't like it."

"What's the difference between staying at a hotel in the mountains of New York and a ski lodge in Vermont?"

"In Vermont we'll all be at the same place."

"We're offering for all of you to be at the same place; do they think they'll catch something if they stay with us? Alexis has stayed under our roof before."

"I know and look at what happened."

"That was the fault of your husband."

"Dad," she sighed; "I'm getting a headache."

"You called me, I didn't call you."

"Actually I called my mother."

"She's still in the bath."

"Maybe you should go check on her."

"She's fine, I just heard the water running a few minutes ago," he lied. "You just want to change the subject but I'm not done yet."

"That's not what you said earlier."

"I lied," he stated. "You say you want McKenzie's first Christmas to be special…how is it special when part of her family isn't going to be there?"

"She's going to be with her parents, her sister and her grandmother."

"So on holidays, Martha is her only grandparent?" he asked; "Is that how it is, Katie? Your mother's good enough to rearrange her life to be able to babysit three days a week, but she's not good enough to be with you and your child on Christmas?"

"No one said that," she said sharply.

"No one has to say it, you kind of make it clear. We're good enough when you need someone…we're just not good enough to be there when you don't need something."

"That's not true! I don't have to have my vacations approved by you, McKenzie is my kid and I'll take her wherever the hell I want. I highly doubt the two of you planned on being a big part of her Christmas anyway; you two don't even do anything for the holiday; Mom doesn't even decorate. I didn't see any indication that she was changing her ways about the holiday so I really didn't think it would be a big deal," Kate said, her tone brimming with annoyance. She had felt that way until she gave the news and now she felt guilty in regard to her parents and was annoyed by her husband's behavior that evening. She was getting annoyed by everything that day really. She felt like she wasn't even sure what she wanted for the holiday other than for McKenzie to be happy.

"Maybe you don't see it because you don't bother to look," Jim replied; "But you're right, it's your kid, you're grown, you can go wherever the hell you want. We know where we stand on this topic. Now do you have a message you want to leave for your mother or not?"

"I just wanted to make sure she was okay."

"She's fine, she's used to disappointment; she doesn't even bat an eye at it anymore. She's been busy all evening making grocery lists for our holiday dinner, cleaning, and being my loving, attentive wife. You don't need to worry, I take care of her."

"I know you do," she said quietly; "And I know you're angry at me too."

"Not at all," he laughed. "Who needs kids and grandchildren around on holidays? Like you said, we can have a break...we won't be anyone's parent or grandparent for a few weeks, Merry Christmas to us, it'll be like the 70s again."

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"Don't be sorry, Katie; just have a nice holiday. You don't need to worry about us; we're not going to bother you."

"I didn't say we had to cut off contact," Kate remarked. "I just said I wouldn't be there for Christmas."

"You never are so really it isn't anything new…except for the part where McKenzie is concerned but I guess we should have seen that coming. We're not going to hold it against you if you don't call or text, you'll be busy…believe me we know how busy Christmas is with a child. We don't expect anything, Katie; so you go and have a nice time with your family and we'll go do our own thing and we'll see you sometime in January, okay?"

"Can you just go see if Mom is finished with her bath…I called to talk to her, not to get your backhanded lectures and guilt trips."

"Backhanded lectures and guilt trips?" Jim asked. "If I want to lecture you I'll do it outright, there isn't anything backhanded about it. I was sincere in what I had just said to you when I told you to have a nice time and that we know how busy holidays are with a kid and we don't expect anything. If you have guilt it's of your own making."

"You stir the pot," she remarked; "Don't act like you weren't lecturing and guilt tripping because you are…just like you always do."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Katie. It won't happen again."

"That's what you always say."

"I'll tell your mother you called," Jim replied.

"I'll be up for awhile, she can call back."

He nearly scoffed but stopped himself. "I'll let her know. Goodnight."

His daughter told him goodnight and he ended the call. "Your daughter will be up for awhile so you can call back," he told Johanna as he handed her the phone.

"That's alright, I'll pass," she replied as she silenced her phone and laid it on the nightstand. "I need to get back to this list for the market."

"We need snacks," Jim declared.

Johanna wrote snacks on her list. "We better get coffee and soda. I might still have some tea bags at the cabin; if not, I'll get some at the store in town up there. We can go there to get orange juice and milk too…maybe the bread too, I like that bread that store sells, it tastes like homemade."

"We'll get it there," he replied; "We can get some of the other essentials up there too; that will help cut down on what we need to pack into the car."

"That's true."

"We should make a list of dvds to take with us," Jim told her. "We can have some marathons of our favorite shows."

Johanna nodded. "Good idea. We'll do that tomorrow; I'll make a note of it on my market list so we don't forget."

"What else do we need to do?"

"We need to gather up the gifts we have for each other so they can be taken with us. We need to pack. We need to clean out anything that might go bad in the fridge while we're gone. If you're going to take some work with you, I'm going to take my laptop and do a little work on my lesson plans when we're not busy…if you don't mind."

"I don't mind," he replied. "No work on Christmas though."

"I promise," she told him. "I won't do any on Christmas Eve either."

"Take a dress, I'll take you to church on Christmas Eve; I know it's important to you. As for work…let's put it off until after Christmas and just enjoy the few days we'll have leading up to the holiday. We deserve some downtime."

"Yeah, I guess we could do that," she replied; although doing some work would've distracted her from overthinking about the holiday…but she'd just make her husband distract her.

"We don't have to rush back the day after New Year's," Jim said, his fingertips brushing against her back. "We could stay a few extra days."

"I don't know when Katie will be going back to work."

"We can still take a few extra days if we want; Rick can stay home with McKenzie for an extra day or two if we don't want to hurry back."

"Maybe we can talk more about that once we're up there."

He rubbed her back. "Good idea."

"You know, if we got up early tomorrow, we could start knocking things off our to-do list…and we could possibly leave Sunday afternoon…we could get up there before dark if we got done in time."

Jim continued to rub his hand along her back soothingly; he knew she was desperate to get away now that she knew for sure that Katie and McKenzie wouldn't be spending any part of the holiday with them. He knew she wanted to go as quickly as they could so she wouldn't have to dwell on their absence…so those grey clouds sweeping across her mind wouldn't darken and make it harder for her to get through the holiday. "We'll see what we can do, sweetheart," he told her. "For now, why don't you put your list and your pen on the nightstand and curl up here with me and watch a show so you'll be able to fall asleep in a little while. I promise; we'll get up there to the cabin as soon as possible."

Johanna gave him a small smile as she laid her notepad and pen on the nightstand and then slid down under the covers, moving close to her husband to kiss him goodnight. "I love you," she murmured before snuggling against his chest.

"I love you too," he told her; "And I promise…we'll have a nice Christmas, just the two of us. We'll just pretend it's 1978 and we don't have a kid yet."

She gave a soft laugh. "Okay, we can try that…again."

"It'll be fine," he promised.

"I know," Johanna murmured. It would be a little empty…but it would be fine.


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 5

"Is it all going to fit?" Johanna asked late Sunday morning as she stood by holding a bag that needed to go in the trunk of the car.

Jim shifted things around and then took the bag from her hand. "Anything breakable in here?" he asked.

"No."

He wedged the bag in and closed the trunk. "That's all we're getting in the trunk, sweetheart; the rest will have to go in the back with Scarlett."

"I better get her in her carrier," Johanna replied. "I'll have to give her a treat once she gets in so she'll feel rewarded."

Jim nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. "We can't have her going unrewarded for doing what we want…but once we get her settled in the back, we can pack the rest of the stuff in."

Johanna headed back to the house and he followed behind her, watching her bound up the steps to the back porch as if she hadn't spent most of the past thirty-six hours in a frenzy of knocking things off their to-do list so that they could leave today instead of Monday morning. She was desperate to get away he thought to himself as he followed her into the house and took a seat at the table as she went off to find her pet. He couldn't really blame her, why hang around when you weren't wanted or needed? Everyone they knew would be busy this week, preparing for family arrivals and the holiday itself. He had called Jeff and asked him if he'd collect the mail, which he had agreed to willingly…but he had also had to hear how excited his best friend was to have Noah in his home for Christmas Eve for the first time. He didn't begrudge Jeff and Maggie the joy of finally getting to spend Christmas with their grandson…but it only served to remind him that he wouldn't be having that joy with McKenzie…and he had to admit that he felt as sour about it as Johanna did. He had skimmed through his Facebook news feed the night before and had been inundated by the posts of happy friends and family anticipating the holiday, sharing pictures of preparations, decorations, grandchildren and favorite memories of holidays past. He was sure that Johanna had also gotten a nice dose on her own Facebook page…and he was sure it was probably what motivated her to get the hell out of town as soon as possible.

Jim breathed deeply; he had woke up at five Saturday morning, his hand reaching for his wife to pull her close but he had found her place vacant. A search of the house had found her giving the house that good cleaning she wanted it to have before they left…she had already been at it for an hour when he had found her. She had shooed him back to bed to sleep for awhile longer, and most likely so he wouldn't be underfoot while she cleaned, he mused. By the time he got up again, it was after seven and she was finished the cleaning and had breakfast cooking. After their morning meal, she had declared it time to go the market and get what they needed before it got crowded. When they returned home, she packed up the dvds, books and magazines they wanted to take with them. She cleaned out the fridge, throwing out anything that might go bad while they were away. They packed up laptops and the small amount of work they were allowing themselves to take; gathered up the gifts for each other and packed them carefully.

He sighed a little; it had been a whirlwind all day long with only breaks for dinner and its clean up and showers. The evening had been spent packing their suitcases, finding the spare chargers for the phones and ensuring that her reading glasses were tucked in her purse. She had been restless in her sleep all night…he hadn't been surprised when she got up early that morning to go over all of her lists to make sure everything had been done.

"Come on, Scarlett," Johanna said, her voice breaking Jim's train of thought as she made her way into the kitchen with Scarlett trotting along side of her; her favorite toy in her mouth, the other in Johanna's hand.

"I see Scarlett's packed for the trip," Jim remarked.

She smiled a little. "You know she doesn't mind her carrier as long as she has her favorite toy with her."

"I know," he replied, watching as she stooped down and opened the door of the carrier for Scarlett.

"Go in your carrier," she told her; "We're going to the cabin, you can visit your toys you have up there and Santa might bring you some new ones."

Jim got up from the table to get the bag of cat treats so Scarlett would be rewarded for her cooperation. This is what their life had become…watching their cat play with her gifts on Christmas instead of their granddaughter.

"Good girl," Johanna said as Scarlett went into the carrier and got herself situated, keeping her favorite toy close as Johanna laid the other inside with her. "Give her a treat," she said as she glanced at her husband, "She's being a good girl."

He smiled as he knelt down and gave Scarlett a treat. "There you go, Scarlett; you take a nap on the drive up and it won't seem long to you," he said as she happily accepted her treat while Johanna closed the door and latched it.

"Get that towel and drape over the carrier when I pick it up," Johanna said, nodding toward the old towel she had hanging on the back of the chair. "I don't want cold air blowing in on her as I take her to the car.

Jim settled the towel over the carrier as she wanted, apologizing to Scarlett as she meowed. "It's only until you get in the car, Scarlett."

"Let's get her settled so she doesn't get upset," his wife said as she headed for the door.

He followed her out to the car in the driveway and took the carrier from her hand, securing Scarlett's temporary shelter on the backseat and then removing the towel so she could see out once more. "Alright, you're good to go," he told her.

"Now for the next load," Johanna said as they made their way back to the house.

"We're burning off our breakfast with all this back and forth," Jim replied. "I'm already looking forward to dinner."

She laughed a little. "Remind your stomach that we're having tv dinners; but I will make us a salad to go with them."

"Some garlic bread too?" he asked.

"Yes; I'll make some bread to go with it too…I'd say you've earned it since you haven't said anything about me speeding up things to get out of here a little sooner."

"I don't mind, sweetheart," he told her sincerely as they began to gather up the remaining items in the kitchen. "Did you get a gift out for McKenzie?"

She nodded as she picked up the gift bag that they had stowed a few select items in. "Yeah…it won't seem like much but it's a stuffed animal she fell in love with on one of our shopping trips. It's one of the last things I wrapped so it was clear in my mind about what was in this package."

"Nothing wrong with that," Jim replied. "You probably told me before but what stuffed animal is it?"

She smiled wistfully. "A cute little Penguin; it has on a pink toboggan hat and McKenzie just fell in love with it as soon as she saw it on the shelf. She squealed and cooed and reached for it. She played with it all through the store…I had to wait until she went down for a nap to get it away from her at home…I know for sure she'll like this one."

"She'll like all of them," he assured.

"I hope so…I already have a few pictures of her cuddling with the penguin in the store…so at least I've seen her with it."

"That's true," he replied. "Let's get this stuff loaded, make sure we have everything, lock up and be on our way."

Johanna released a weighted breath. "Sounds good to me."

* * *

A short while later, Jim pulled into the garage of Castle's building and found a place to park. "I'll wait here with Scarlett while you run those things up to Katie," he stated as he turned off the car.

Johanna glanced at him. "I'll stay with Scarlett, you go."

"I don't want to, you go."

"Why don't you?" she retorted.

"Because…I don't want to…you're the mother, you do it."

"You're the father, you'll be in and out faster than me," Johanna replied. "You go."

"There's only one way to settle this," Jim remarked as he fished a quarter out of the cup holder. "Call it."

"Heads," she stated as he tossed the coin.

"Tails," he said as he quickly checked the coin and dropped it into the pocket of his jacket. "You lose, you go."

"I didn't get a good look at that coin," Johanna stated as she eyed him, her brow arched in suspicion.

"What, are you saying you don't trust me?" Jim asked.

"Well I didn't get a good look at that coin and you shoved it in your pocket pretty damn fast…I think we should do it over."

"That's what the loser always says," he quipped. "Get on up there and make our deliveries."

"Fine," she huffed; "But I know you cheated…so you're stopping at McDonalds and getting me a milkshake as compensation."

"I didn't cheat but I can live with those terms," her husband replied. "Scarlett and I will be here awaiting your return."

"I won't be long," she promised as she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door. "Sit here and contemplate how you cheated your wife in a coin toss."

"I didn't cheat."

"I think you did," she remarked as she got out of the car and gathered up the gift bag.

Jim met her eye. "Can you prove it?"

"Not with physical evidence…but I know you did."

He smiled. "You have no case; now be your way little elf; go spread Christmas cheer."

She smirked at him. "Bite me."

"As soon as we get to the cabin, sweetheart," he quipped. "You just tell me where to start and I'll nibble on you all night long."

Johanna shook her head at him. "Some things never change."

"Lucky for us," he said with a grin.

She managed a small smile despite dreading the errand she had to carry out. "I'll be back."

"We'll be here."

Johanna shut the door of the car and headed for the elevator, wishing Jim had done this. She didn't want to go up to the loft…she knew it was stupid but she couldn't help feeling a little bitter. Facebook was full of happy friends and family eagerly anticipating the holiday and time with their families. They had made a stop at her brother and sister-in-law's the day before to drop off their gifts and Valerie had been gushing about it being her year to have Greg and his family for Christmas; Claire wasn't working as she was on maternity leave, her baby due any minute and even Trevor was finding his way home to his parents this year. Her sister-in-law was ecstatic; her house would be full with children, their significant others and her two grandchildren…even Valerie's sister planned to stop in. She was happy for Frankie and Valerie; it wasn't often that they got all three of their kids home for the holiday and she was glad that Ally and little Sophie would be there to get spoiled by their grandparents. She was happy for them…really she was…just as she was happy for Jeff and Maggie and their special Christmas Eve they had planned. She was happy for all of them…just terribly sad for herself and she hated it.

She sighed deeply as the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. She briefly wondered if she could just knock on the door and leave the bag, making a quick escape back to the elevator but she thought better of it and made her way across the hallway and knocked on the door, hoping this would be quick and somewhat painless.

"Mom," Kate said in surprise as she opened the door a few moments later.

"I'm sorry I didn't call first," Johanna replied. "I hope you're not busy."

"No, come in."

"Johanna, this is a surprise," Castle stated as he stepped out of the kitchen. "I don't think you've been here to see our holiday décor this year. What do you think?"

She took in the over the top melee of decorations and a tree that could probably be a smaller sibling of the one at Rockefeller Center. It was all a bit too much for her taste; it felt like you could smother from the overload of tinsel and decorations. "As long as you enjoy it, that's all that matters," she replied with a small sincere smile.

He eyed her. "What does that mean?"

"It means as long as you like how you decorate, that's all that matters."

"You don't like how I decorate?" Castle asked.

"Honestly, Rick; it's not my house so I really don't care how you decorate it."

"At least I decorate," he remarked; "Unlike some people…like you."

"I had a tree out," Johanna retorted.

"I'm sorry but that thing on the stand is not a Christmas tree," he replied. "It's an insult to Christmas trees."

"If I want someone to tell me how to decorate my house, I'll call my sister…she has a degree in it; last time I checked, you didn't," Johanna remarked.

"Let's not start a war over Christmas trees," Kate stated; "And you really shouldn't fish for compliments, Castle…and then act petty when you don't get one. Mom, let me take your coat."

"I'm not staying," she replied. "I'm just here to drop some things off."

"You don't have to run off," Kate told her. "McKenzie's awake, she's in the playpen; she'll want you as soon as she sees you and she'll cry if you rush in and out."

"I'll try not to let her see me; I can't stay. Your father is in the car with Scarlett. We're all packed and have our groceries in the cooler; we're heading for the cabin."

"I thought you were staying home this year?" her daughter remarked.

"We had intended to but there's no reason to stay now; you don't need me to babysit and you're going one step further by leaving the state so there's no reason for us to hang around the city. We just stopped to give you these things," she said as Castle drifted away from their group to go check on the baby.

"What?" Kate asked.

Johanna reached into the bag and drew out two envelopes first. "These are for you and Rick from your father," she said, handing them over. "They're just from your father; not from me in any way. I remember the rules."

"Mom," she sighed.

"It's alright that you don't want Christmas gifts from me, Katie; I understand, that's why I don't buy you any…I just like to make sure that you know who the gift is from so you don't think I'm breaking the rules."

Guilt coursed through her as she held the envelopes; she had started the rule during her mother's first Christmas home…or rather she had instituted it after that first Christmas had crashed and burned in epic proportions…and now she didn't know how to undo it…didn't even know what gift she would even buy for her mother if she decided to be the one to break the rule of no gift giving between them. She had coerced her to accept a Mother's Day gift but Christmas was different. Christmas was so much harder.

"I called you Friday night," Kate told her. "Did Dad tell you? He said you were getting your bath when I called."

"He told me."

"You didn't call back," she replied. "I've kind of been waiting on you to call back."

"Is something wrong?" Johanna asked.

"No, I just thought we should discuss how things were when I left Friday evening."

"There's nothing to discuss about it," her mother remarked. "I didn't call back because I've been busy. We planned to leave tomorrow but we pushed through the things we needed to get done and decided to go today…I wanted to go as soon as possible."

"Why?"

"Because I do. This is for McKenzie," Johanna stated as she pulled a package from the bag that was wrapped in paper featuring cute cartoonish penguins wearing Santa hats. "We have other gifts for her of course but we wanted her to have something from us to open on Christmas morning. She can open the rest of her gifts the next time she's at the house…your father said he'll take the day off and we'll have our own celebration with McKenzie after the New Year."

Kate accepted the box with another pang of guilt. "I'll send you pictures of her opening it."

"Oh you don't have to worry about that," Johanna replied; "I don't require proof that she got it, I know you wouldn't keep it from her. You're going to be busy; trust me, I know what it's like to have a kid on Christmas morning, you're trying to get pictures of everything, trying to help her open things and she's more interested in the paper and the bows than the actual gifts. We just wanted to make sure she had something from us on Christmas morning; we know she doesn't understand the holiday and she won't remember it…but at least we know she had a gift from us on the morning of her first Christmas. We don't require anything beyond that knowledge."

"Someone seems a tad bit moody," Castle remarked as he carried McKenzie toward them.

"Not moody," Johanna replied, although she knew she probably was; "Just tired from being up late packing and getting things ready to leave…and believe me, I can't wait to get the hell out of this city and away from this holiday."

"Mom!" Kate exclaimed.

"Oh, Katie, she's not old enough to repeat me yet. When she gets to that age I'll try to stop cussing but I'm not promising anything…after all, you repeated your grandmother several times…because apparently cussing while watching Wheel of Fortune was your thing with Elizabeth when you were little."

"I wasn't really referring to the cussing so much as the attitude," her daughter replied.

She shrugged. "It is what it is."

"MaMaMa!" McKenzie exclaimed from her father's arms, her gaze pinned to her grandmother.

"Hi, sweetheart," Johanna replied as she pulled another item out of the bag. "Here, Katie; this is from McKenzie for you."

"I already got her a gift from McKenzie," Castle remarked. "You didn't really think I wouldn't, did you?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why would you get one?" he asked, a touch of offense in his voice that she apparently hadn't thought he'd get something fitting for McKenzie to give to Kate; "That's my job."

His mother-in-law shrugged. "Because we saw it and thought it would make a nice gift from McKenzie to her mother. Where is it written that a child can only give her mother one gift? I always gave my mother more than one gift and Jim always let Katie pick out a few things for me when she was little that had her name only on them. Speaking of Jim, he paid for the gift so there wouldn't be any blurring of lines of your gift giving rules."

"Mom," Kate said with a deep sigh. "Do we have to do this every year?"

"They're your rules, Katie; I just make sure you know I'm abiding by them."

"I don't really think you need to make a production out of reminding me."

"I hope you didn't get her the same gift from McKenzie that I did," Castle remarked as he eyed the package. "You probably should have called me about it."

Johanna sighed and took the package back from Kate, ripping a corner of the paper.

"What are you doing?!" Kate exclaimed.

"The same thing your husband was planning on doing as soon as I left," she replied as she pulled the small box from the paper and pulled off the lid. She lifted out the double sided frame that held one of McKenzie's photo's with Santa on one side and a cast of her handprint on the other.

Castle cringed. "Yeah; that's the same thing I got…you really should've called me. I mean you had to know I was going to get her something from the baby…and that's a popular item for women who have new babies."

"Should I also clear McKenzie's gifts through you? It takes a little fun out of shopping."

"Well…it would be very easy to end up buying the same gifts," he replied; "But since she spends a lot of time at your house she could keep any double gifts there."

"I'll sleep so much better tonight," Johanna remarked sarcastically. "As for this gift, I'll keep it for myself as a keepsake from McKenzie."

"We were going to get you something from McKenzie," Kate remarked. "I just haven't finished my shopping; I'm hoping to do it tomorrow when it's a little less crowded."

"No need for that," her mother replied. "That might blur the lines of our rules. I'll keep this…I like it."

"But I don't have that picture…that's one of the ones you had taken. Can I least have the picture?"

"No, they're a gift to myself."

Kate gave her an amused smirk. "I think you're being a little petty about the pictures…it is _my_ baby on the picture."

"It's _my_ money that paid for them and you have your own but let's not let it be said that I was petty," Johanna remarked as she flexed the frame and then snapped it in half, handing the photo side to Kate. "There you go, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from your daughter."

Kate sighed a little. "Mom, I know you're upset about us being away for Christmas…"

"No, not at all; you can have Christmas on the moon for all I care; after all, I hear Rick owns property there anyway."

"Yeah, you're definitely upset about it," Kate replied; "But I don't know what you want me to do. How was I to know that you planned on being around this year?"

"I guess you could've asked," she replied; "But I don't want you to do a damn thing, Katie; go to Vermont and strap your sticks to your boots and go flying down all the mountains you want. Have fun."

"I think she wants us to feel a little guilty," Castle remarked.

"No, no guilt," Johanna replied; "You have your own family and your own life; I'm just the babysitter; which I'm fine with, I love my time with McKenzie. Here," she said; pulling the last object from the bag and handing it to her son-in-law since her daughter's hands were full. "This is one of the storybooks I bought her for the season for at my house but we hadn't gotten around to it. Maybe Martha can read it to her while you're out skiing."

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas," Castle said as he read the cover and then glanced to his wife and whispered; "I sense some shade with this gift."

"No need to whisper, Rick," Johanna said; "I know what shade is, I teach college students…and it's not shade. It's a seasonal storybook that Jim and I didn't get around to reading to our granddaughter so we thought perhaps her other grandmother could read it to her since I assume the two of you will be busy. If you think it somehow applies to you, maybe you should ask yourself why that is."

"You're not calling my mother the Grinch, are you?" he asked; "Because she had nothing to do with us making these plans."

"No, I wasn't," she retorted; "I have no reason to call Martha that; I just thought since you plan on her babysitting while you're out skiing, she might want to read McKenzie a story…but since it's a problem, I'll take it back home and put it away until next year," she said sharply, jerking the book back out of his hand and shoving it back into the bag along with the cast of the baby's handprint. "I can't do a goddamn thing without you thinking I have some deep hidden meaning for it."

"What are we supposed to think?" Castle replied; "I know from Kate that you're unhappy about our plans and you bring us a book about a Grinch who steals Christmas…it feels a bit pointed…and a little too coincidental coming from a lawyer…who obviously feels like we're taking something from her by going on vacation."

Anger and hurt flickered in her eyes. "It's good to know that all of those lunches I sat through didn't change your opinion of me…I thought we were doing a lot better but I guess I was wrong. I shouldn't be surprised, I'm always wrong…but still; I thought you might have a slightly higher opinion of me than you used to."

Castle sighed. "We are better than we used to be…but sometimes it's difficult to get along with you when you're in the mood you've been in all month. You can't act like we're taking something from you and then hand us a storybook about a Grinch and not expect us to draw a conclusion…and as for the gift thing, next year call me first."

She smiled but it lacked warmth. "Next year if we see something that would make a cute gift from McKenzie to her mother, we'll just walk on by it. So don't worry, Rick; it won't happen again. We weren't trying to steal your thunder; it was the furthest thing from our minds."

It was Kate's turn to sigh deeply. "Mom, you clearly don't want to be here so why didn't you just send Dad to the door?"

"Because I lost the coin toss in the car," she answered.

"Coin toss?"

"Yeah; to determine who had to come up here and drop these things off…I think he cheated, I didn't get a good look at that coin," Johanna replied; "But it doesn't matter, I've done what I came to do and now I need to get going. Have a safe trip, see you in January…Rick, I may still be a little moody in early January for obvious reasons so brace yourself, dear; I'll try to get back to skittles and rainbows for February…I am fond of Valentines Day."

He smiled. "Good to know…thanks for the warning; Kate will be picking McKenzie up all of January."

"Wonderful," she replied. "See you all later."

"Aren't you going to hold the baby?" Kate asked.

"No, she's content with her father."

"You could at least kiss her goodbye if you're not planning on seeing her for weeks," Kate retorted.

"Katie, how am I supposed to see her if we're not in the same state? It wasn't my plan, it's your plan which you're entitled to make but you can't get mad at me because I state the obvious."

Kate's gaze dropped. "But still."

Johanna moved closer to her granddaughter and kissed her cheek. "See you in a few weeks, sweetheart; Grandpa and I love you. You have fun for Christmas; I know Santa will treat you well."

Her granddaughter reached for her but she made no move to lift her from Castle's arms. Instead she captured a small hand and pressed a kiss to it. "I have to go, sweetie; Grandpa's waiting…we're getting the hell out of Dodge. I wish you could come with me but you have to go skiing."

"Mom…" Kate said as Johanna turned away to head for the door.

"What, Katie? I have to get going."

"You and Dad…could come to Vermont."

Johanna laughed but it sounded hollow to their ears. "Oh we would but we recently found out that we're too old for Vermont according to our daughter…who is just jealous that I'm a better ice skater than she is so she can kiss my ice skates because I'm not hanging them up."

"Yeah, you're totally in a mood," Kate remarked as she laid the gifts on the stand; "And I'm not jealous…it's not like you're the Kristi Yamaguchi of Manhattan."

"No, but I'm still a better skater than you are. I took lessons…I won a medal."

Her daughter rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know all about your Little Miss Manhattan Skating Pageant Bronze Medal of 1961…if you were as good as you think you are, you would've won the gold."

"It's hard to win gold when the judge's daughter is in the same competition," Johanna retorted; "But at least I won a medal…where's yours? Oh, that's right, you don't have one because you wouldn't take the lessons…you wanted to teach yourself and you weren't wearing one of those cute little skating dresses, oh no, you were too good for that."

"Those dresses are stupid," Kate remarked; "All they do is flash your ass as you spin around."

"Your ass is covered!"

"Yeah, by something that looks like a bathing suit with a flimsy skirt stapled over it; I wasn't wearing that. I'm sure you liked prancing out on the ice in yours when you were ten but it wasn't for me."

Johanna smirked at her. "I enjoyed mine a great deal; my grandmother made it and said I looked adorable."

"Of course she said that, she's your grandmother," Kate retorted. "For all you know, you looked like a nerd."

"I did not!"

"Ladies," Castle stated as McKenzie babbled along with them; "Does an ice skating dress from 1961 really matter?"

Kate breathed deeply. "No, it doesn't…considering I wasn't even born yet. But Mom, please thank Dad for me for sharing every tidbit of our conversation."

"You should've known he'd tell me; after all, he didn't like the implication that we're suddenly decrepit…I guess it's a good thing that we're still young enough to babysit every time the phone rings. But don't worry, we're not going to pop up in Vermont; we've been there before and we weren't impressed enough to want to go back. We're going to our home in the mountains and staying there until January. Have a safe trip, a happy holiday and let me know when babysitting resumes," Johanna remarked as she made her way to the door.

"Wait," Kate said, hurrying after her as McKenzie whimpered, her gaze following her grandmother.

"Katie, I have to go. I've got groceries and a cat in the car, not to mention my husband who is probably going to ring my phone any moment. I don't have all day; we want to be up there before dark."

"I don't want you to go away angry," her daughter replied.

"I'm not angry," Johanna told her. "I want you to have a nice holiday; and if going to Vermont is what's going to make you happy, then I hope you have a wonderful trip."

"I want you to have a nice holiday too," Kate murmured. "There have been a lot of bad ones…I hope you find a way to have a nice one for a change."

Johanna's gaze drifted back to McKenzie. "I thought I had found a way but I was wrong…and that's no one's problem but mine, so don't take it as a guilt trip like you accuse your father of because it isn't. I'm sorry for apparently being moody…I just hate this time of year for obvious reasons. It's going to be okay though, I have my husband and I have my cat…a nice cozy home waiting for me in the mountains…don't worry, I'll be happy with them, especially once the city fades into the distance."

"Mom…."

"It's alright, Katie; it's better that we all go away…if we were both in the city and didn't spend a part of the holiday together, it would be constantly on my mind and I'd feel that disappointment of missing you and McKenzie keenly…but if you're in Vermont and I'm in upstate New York in the mountains, then it's different…we're separated by miles that way…instead of making the choice to be separated while in the same city. It's fine…it's just the way things are and I know it's never going to change. Please don't worry about it; it's your baby's first Christmas; you should enjoy it with every fiber of your being. I'll see you in a few weeks."

It didn't feel like it was alright, Kate thought to herself, catching the layer of sadness that laid in her mother's eyes as she told McKenzie she loved her once more. Her parents only had her and for the moment they only had one grandchild…and she hadn't chosen them once again, adding insult to injury by taking their grandchild away for the holiday where she'd be out of their reach. She hadn't thought it would matter; her mother had brushed off the holiday the last few years but maybe McKenzie would have made the difference this time…maybe she had been planning on trying for McKenzie this time…now they'd never know.

"Mom," she said softly, watching her mother step across the threshold of the door.

Johanna sighed deeply and Kate could feel how badly she wanted to make her escape. "What, Katie?"

"You didn't hug me," she murmured. "You didn't hug McKenzie."

Johanna's eyes closed briefly; she didn't want to dole out hugs, she just wanted to go away. Holding her granddaughter would only make her want things she couldn't have…and her daughter probably only wanted hugged to ease the guilt she kept accusing everyone of bestowing on her. She moved back into the room and accepted her granddaughter as Rick held her out to her. McKenzie smiled, an excited squeal slipping across her lips as her small hands clutched her grandmother's coat. "MaMaMa," she babbled.

Her smile wobbled as she hugged her granddaughter, breathing in her soft scent as she kissed her cheek. "I'll miss you, kitten," she murmured to her.

"Why do you call her kitten?" Castle asked.

"Because she's cute and cuddly and she has green eyes," Johanna replied. "Is it a problem?"

"No…just seemed odd."

"You call her jellybean and I don't find that odd," she remarked as she began to hand McKenzie back to him.

The baby held on to her coat, fussing as her father gently pried her away. She kept reaching for her even as Johanna slipped away, her fussing becoming a wail. "MaMaMa!"

Johanna hated to ignore her granddaughter's cry but if she didn't, she'd never get away, she thought to herself as she quickly hugged her daughter. "See you later," she told Kate as she pulled away.

"Mom."

She kept her back turned, weariness weighing on her. "Katie, please let me go," she said softly. "You're just making it worse."

Unexpected emotion clawed at Kate and she tried to push it down. "I love you."

"I love you too," Johanna replied before quickly walking through the open door, her granddaughter's cries still sounding behind her. She struggled to hold her own tears back as she stabbed the button for the elevator with her finger, her foot tapping impatiently as she waited for the doors to open. She stepped inside, exhaling slowly…now it was time to flee.

* * *

"Well that was a fun visit," Castle said sarcastically as Kate closed the door, their daughter still crying for her grandmother.

"You didn't help matters," she snapped as she took McKenzie from his arms so that she could comfort her.

"Oh come on, you know there was some serious shade with that book," he retorted.

"Of course there was," Kate exclaimed; "But you started before that with your fishing for compliments and then throwing it in her face that she only had a small tree…and then the thing with the gift from McKenzie."

"Well she had no business buying you a gift from McKenzie," Castle stated. "I'm your husband, I'm her father; that's my job! She had no business doing it and buying the same gift I did is what she gets for doing it in the first place. She just loves to swoop in and do everything…well some things are mine and she'll have to get over it."

"She wasn't trying to take anything from you; she just thought it was a cute gift…thanks for spoiling what McKenzie is giving me from you, by the way."

"How was I supposed to hide it once she opened the one she brought?"

"I don't know, Castle; by keeping your mouth shut and waiting until she left…then maybe you could have said that you got the same thing but you'd get something else and we could have given the handprint to Martha."

"My gift shouldn't have to be the one to be changed; it was my job to buy it, not hers…now she knows not to do it and we won't have to worry about it anymore. There is one other gift for you from McKenzie so you'll still have that one to be surprised about."

"You still didn't have to hurt her feelings; you could've been nicer about it."

"She insinuated that my decorations are ugly."

"She did not; but I can tell you for sure that she does not like overly crowded, overly decorated spaces. She likes an elegant, streamlined look, where you can tell that you still have a home amid the decorations…so I'm not surprised at all that she doesn't like what we have going on here…but she didn't say she didn't like it out loud. She said as long as you like it, that's all that mattered."

"It was the way she said it," Castle replied; "She was ready for a fight."

"No; you're the one who seems to be spoiling for a fight the last few days and you still haven't told me what's bothering you. I wish you would so you'd feel better."

"I'm fine. What were you doing telling them to come to Vermont? I didn't make any reservations for them!?"

"I felt bad!" she exclaimed as McKenzie cuddled close. "You heard what she said about us being apart on Christmas…I felt guilty."

"That's what she was hoping for."

"I think she meant what she said," Kate replied. "I can't help it that I feel bad for it...I am her only child…and McKenzie is her only grandchild for now. I just…I don't like to see her that way. She's never going to get better about Christmas if she doesn't have a reason to do it."

"She'd get better if she'd try harder," Castle replied; "But I think they like running away to the mountains to hide from it instead of facing it and getting through it."

"Why shouldn't they go to the mountains when they don't have anything to look forward to at home?" she said as she rubbed the baby's back.

"We're not changing our plans, Kate. I expect to hear from Sheila tomorrow…so you probably should go out and finish up whatever shopping you want to do tomorrow."

"I didn't ask to change our plans," she retorted. "I was making a point. I hope you get this burr out of your ass soon because it's not making me look forward to a holiday with you either."

Castle breathed deeply. "I'm sorry; I'm frustrated with the book I'm working."

"I've seen you frustrated with books before, Castle. It's something else."

"I'm also frustrated with you worrying about your mother and feeling guilty for having a life with your family that doesn't include her every second."

"Yeah; I know she's your favorite thing to blame, but I don't really buy that excuse either…but since it upsets you, I won't mention her…I won't mention either one of my parents, okay?"

He closed his eyes briefly before he followed her back to the living room where she settled down on the couch with McKenzie. "You don't have to go that far," he said quietly. "I just want us to have a nice Christmas, that's all…and I know if you're dwelling, you won't…and I get mad at her for being the reason why you dwell."

"Don't worry, Castle; it's done," Kate replied. "They're on their way to the cabin, I won't hear from them until after the New Year rolls in. We'll go to Vermont and have a nice Christmas, everything will be fine. When is Martha coming home so you can tell her our travel plans?"

"I don't know…I thought she'd be home today but I haven't heard from her yet."

"She must be lingering with Ben," she said with a smile as she grabbed McKenzie's blanket and laid it over her as she cradled her, seeing that her daughter was getting sleepy.

"Seems like she's always lingering with Ben lately," he responded. "She hasn't been home most of the week. McKenzie's going to forget what she looks like."

"She is not," Kate laughed. "She just saw her Wednesday."

"It's now Sunday."

She shrugged. "Martha always comes home, Rick; she'll be back before long. She'll probably be here for dinner."

"I guess we'll see."

Kate gave him an amused smirk. "Are you having male pms or something? You've been brooding."

"No, but if I did have some form of pms, I probably caught it from you."

"My period was last week and it's not catching, nice try," she quipped. "I'm going to go put McKenzie down for her nap, she's sleepy."

Castle moved toward them and kissed McKenzie's head. "Sweet dreams, jellybean."

Kate rose from the sofa. "After I get her down, how about we watch a movie together and forget about holidays, parents and frustrating books?"

He smiled, pressing a kiss to her lips. "Just what the doctor ordered. I'll pick a few selections for us to choose from when you come back down."

She gave him a smile and headed for the stairs, hoping that some downtime together would cure him of his mood.

* * *

"How did it go?" Jim asked once they had pulled out of the garage.

"The next time we have a coin toss, I'm flipping the coin," Johanna remarked.

"That bad?"

"Rick seemed to take offense to the fact that we got a gift for McKenzie to give to Katie. He said I should've asked first, that getting that gift is his job; that we might have gotten the same thing he did; I should've known he got her something, blah, blah. So I opened it up because I figured they would as soon as I left…and of course, since the universe hates me, it's the same gift. So I said I'd keep it for myself. Katie wanted the picture so I broke the frame in half and gave it to her. I have the baby's handprint."

Jim sighed deeply. "I guess we won't make that mistake again."

She nodded. "I assured him of that. I gave them the storybook for McKenzie…and Rick said I was giving them that book to imply that they're grinches who are taking something from me."

"It's a goddamn storybook!" Jim exclaimed. "McKenzie likes stories and we hadn't read her that one yet. There wasn't any ulterior motive!"

"He thinks there is; I said maybe Martha could read it to her while they're out skiing and then he asked if I was calling Martha a Grinch. I wasn't and I have no reason to do so which I told him. He says it's a pointed gift and too coincidental coming from a lawyer. I put it back in the bag with the handprint. I wasn't insinuating anything with the damn book."

"I know you weren't," her husband replied. "They really don't have to go to these lengths of making something out of a storybook just to push us further away. We got the memo that we're not wanted for the holidays, there's no need to go this far…we got it the first time."

She gave a soft scoff. "That's the truth. I was also told it's hard to get along with me this time of year because I'm in a 'mood'.

"Up until Friday I thought you had been in a pretty good mood all month…especially considering it is this time of year…and I didn't blame you for the downswing you took Friday night."

"I'm glad someone doesn't."

Jim patted her thigh. "I'll get you some French fries to go with your milkshake."

"I'll take them," she replied. "As I was trying to leave, Katie said we could go to Vermont."

"Not a chance in hell," he laughed.

"I reminded her that she implied we're too old for Vermont and winter sports. She's not happy that you told me that."

"Isn't that a shame," Jim replied. "She must've had a moment of guilt when she said we could go…well I don't go where I'm not welcomed. We made our own plans now and that's what we're going to do."

"Agreed," Johanna said as she sank back against her seat. "Just you, me and Scarlett…in our own vacation home where we can't be thrown out or accused of anything."

"That's right," he remarked as they headed toward McDonalds for their quick stop. "We're on our way, sweetheart."

"I'm glad," she murmured. "So very glad."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 6

Johanna was silent as she watched the trees pass by the window. Her milkshake and fries were long gone and the sun that had been shining in the city had slipped behind a thick blanket of clouds the further north they went, leaving the sky grey and muted…much like she felt inside. She tried not to dwell on that feeling as she concentrated on the scenery; the mountains were coated with a layer of snow; the heavy grey clouds above them promising another layer before long. Usually she reveled in the knowledge that snow would be falling outside as she and Jim were tucked away in their home…but she didn't feel that usual jolt of excitement. She sighed softly, fighting the urge to flip the radio station as it began to play Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. It had always been her favorite Christmas song…but for a long time now it only inspired sadness…it only made her want to cry.

Johanna closed her eyes to keep the tears at bay…she just couldn't make Christmas work, no matter what she did. A long time ago she had been able to…there had been traditions, decorating, family gatherings. It had been a happy time…but it was all water under the bridge now. It wouldn't ever be the same again. Leaving the city helped some…but being allowed to flee came with stipulations; she had to decorate, she had to make a holiday meal. She didn't mind the cooking, Jim always enjoyed a big holiday meal and she liked to provide him with one...he never minded having leftovers for a day or two afterwards either. Decorating was a little harder. She had loved Christmas trees ever since she was a little girl…but now they were a symbol of heartache. Jim had bought her a beautiful pre-lit Christmas tree their first year at the cabin; they decorated it with Elizabeth Beckett's old ornaments that they had found in the attic. Her mother-in-law's ornaments were beautiful and gave the tree a vintage feel…but they weren't hers.

She missed her own special ornaments; the heart her grandmother had given her and Jim their first Christmas as a married couple. There was the small bear that said Baby's First Christmas, 1979. She missed the glittery star Katie had made in Sunday school when she was four…some of the ornaments from her own childhood that had belonged to her mother. There was the angel ornament that Elizabeth had given her in memory of her mother, a gesture that had meant a great deal to her. There were others as well that she had collected, been given and inherited that she had loved throughout her life. When she had tried to revive Christmas a few years before, she had dug those ornaments out of the boxes they had been stored in and hung them on the new tree she had bought…but her family didn't want to look at them…they only reminded them of pain…all because she hadn't gotten the decorations taken down before she had to go into hiding. So those special ornaments that she loved were carefully wrapped and packed in a special box that was relegated to a corner of the attic where they'd never be seen again.

Her eyes flicked open, her gaze moving back to the scenery…she missed her special ornaments…seeing a tree without their history on it made her feel like a part of her was still hidden away; like her history was still a secret like it had been in Wyoming. It was her fault, she knew that…and she knew there was no point in being bitter about it…but she was. Bitterness always crowded her in December…so did depression and sadness. Her eyes stung once more but she blinked them away. There wasn't any point in crying; she was used to somewhat empty Christmases…she was used to the fact that old traditions were no more…that she decorated with other people's ornaments instead of her own…that she and Jim weren't meant to have family holidays.

It was just that she'd had that misguided hope that this year would be different…because this year there was McKenzie. She was a fool; she should have known better. Nothing was going to change. Her invitation to Thanksgiving dinner had been declined with the comment that McKenzie's first Thanksgiving should be spent at home. Johanna smirked a little, apparently her daughter and son-in-law didn't hang on to that sentiment for Christmas. Apparently it was fine for a seven month old baby to spend her first Christmas in a ski lodge instead of in her own home…in the city where her family lived. Oh well, as she had been reminded, it wasn't her child.

But she still thought a ski vacation on Christmas was stupid…especially skiing in Vermont. They had mountains in New York…they had snow in New York. They could've gone to the cabin; there was a ski resort forty-five minutes away from the cabin if Katie and Rick were desperate to ski…but no, it had to be Vermont for some reason…and she had a feeling it was because Vermont didn't have her and Jim.

That was something else that she shouldn't dwell on, Johanna thought to herself. Dwelling on it would only increase her bitterness…and the depression that always loomed, ready to sweep in this time of year. She didn't need that…she had to be better for Jim; he deserved all the effort she could muster and she would do her best for him as always. She sighed softly; she was looking forward to curling up with him tonight. She hadn't slept much the last two days and it was catching up with her thanks to her need to push through her to-do list. When they arrived at the cabin there would be more for her to do…putting the groceries away, unpacking, cleaning, making dinner and getting the tree out.

"You're awful quiet," Jim said, breaking the silence between them.

"Just thinking about what all needs done," Johanna replied. "We probably would've been there already if it hadn't taken so long at Katie's…and if I hadn't wanted that milkshake."

"We're almost there, sweetheart," he answered; "And you deserved that milkshake and the fries. I'll help you get everything done. We'll get the groceries put away first and Scarlett settled. Then we'll unpack. The gifts can be left in the bags and just put into the closet in our bedroom so that's going to be quick for that part."

"That's true. Maybe once I have dinner in the oven I can clean the living room so you can get the tree out after we eat."

He glanced at her quickly. "You have to be getting tired, Jo; you've been on the go since Friday night."

"I am a little tried but that's never stopped me before. We have things to get done so we can enjoy ourselves. If you help with the groceries and unpacking, it'll go faster."

"You know I will," he replied.

"I know," she said, her gaze drifting back to the stray flurries that were beginning to fall outside the window. "I wish I hadn't given Katie the picture part of the frame. I could have put it on the mantle so we'd have a picture of McKenzie at the cabin."

"You should have kept it," Jim replied; "Especially after the way Rick acted about it."

"I was going to keep it but Katie said I was petty about the pictures and that it's 'her' baby on them after all."

"It was your money that paid for them," her husband remarked.

"I know; I mentioned it…but you know how it is; sometimes it just isn't worth it. I felt like I was already being made out to be a bad guy because we got a little gift for the baby to give Katie. We never said Rick wouldn't get her something from McKenzie; we just thought that little set was cute."

"We know our intentions weren't to step on his toes…they don't mind trampling on ours though," Jim replied.

"That's the truth. I really didn't think it would be a big deal."

Jim breathed deeply, his hands tightening on the wheel a little. "I know it hurts to be excluded from McKenzie's holiday…believe me, it hurts me just as much as it hurts you; but maybe it's for the best. If Rick's going to be bent out of shape about a little gift we got for the baby to give to our daughter than I can only imagine what a full blown holiday would be like with them."

"We'd probably rack up a lot of offenses…my lack of decorating has been brought up a few times. Apparently I've broken the cardinal law of holidays."

"We've never been the type to go overboard," he replied. "You always decorated our home tastefully…and you'll decorate at the cabin."

"Only because it's part of our agreement."

"I can live with that…one day you might like it again."

She scoffed. "That's doubtful."

Scarlett meowed in her carrier before he could answer and Johanna shifted to look back at their pet. "Almost there, Scarlett; just a few more minutes."

"Is she alright?" Jim asked.

"Yeah; she's fine…I think she just hears us talking and she wants to be acknowledged."

He smiled a little. "We didn't forget that you're back there, Scarlett. We'll be home soon and you can get out of your carrier once we have everything inside."

"That's the only part I hate," Johanna said; "The loading it up and the unloading."

Jim laughed. "Yeah; that part isn't fun. We'll have to go to the store in town tomorrow and get the groceries that we decided could wait until we got up here."

"I have a list," she replied; "Milk, eggs, juice and bread."

"You're all about lists this weekend," he teased.

She gave him an amused smirk. "Don't worry; I've got you on one of my lists too."

"Sounds promising," he quipped as he took the turn that would take them down the long road to the cabin.

"At least you hope so," she laughed.

"Now don't forget; it's the season for goodwill…I should make that part of the rules for our holiday trip to the cabin; you have to decorate, you have to cook a holiday meal…and you have to bestow lots of goodwill to me," Jim said lightly.

"You say that like I don't already bestow lots of goodwill on you when we're here."

"Why leave it to chance though?" he replied lightly.

Johanna smiled. "I'm sure I'll find some goodwill to give you…maybe not tonight but soon."

"I'm not worried," he said warmly as he pulled up in front of the house and parked. "Let's take Scarlett and your purse and gift bag in first and get the lights turned on and then we'll unload the car."

"Alright," she remarked as she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her door.

Jim got out of the car and opened the back door to get the cat carrier. Scarlett meowed at him as he draped the towel over it so the cold air wouldn't rush through the wire door at her. "It's for your own good," he told her as he lifted her out of the car.

"I'll take her so you can get the door unlocked," Johanna said as she reached for the carrier.

He allowed her to take it and they made their way up on the porch. Jim unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping inside as he fumbled for the light switch and turned on the lights. Everything looked as it had been when they had left during their last weekend trip back in October but he had figured all was well or Carl would've called and told him.

"It's nice and warm in here," Johanna said as she entered the house.

"Carl came down and turned the heat on right after I called him yesterday morning," he replied, watching as she carried Scarlett across the room and sat the carrier down near the fireplace.

The cat meowed as Johanna pulled to towel off the carrier. "You're staying in there until we get everything brought in," she told her. "It won't take long."

"I'm going to turn the lights on in the kitchen," Jim told her; "You want to go turn them on in the bedroom so we can carry the suitcases in there."

"Yeah; I want to put my purse in there anyway," she remarked as she moved through the living room and into the hallway that led to the downstairs master bedroom. She pushed open the wooden door and flipped on the lights with a soft sigh as she moved into the room, placing her purse on top of the dresser. She was looking forward to crawling into the big comfortable bed tonight. Part of her was tempted to crawl into it now but she knew she couldn't, there was too much to do she thought to herself as she forced herself out of the room and rejoined Jim to go haul in everything from the car.

Jim's friend Carl arrived on his snowmobile just as they made their way back to the car and the men shooed Johanna back into the house and out of the cold; she went willingly, figuring she could get things put away as they were brought in and Jim would have some time to catch up with his old friend.

"I was surprised you came up here for Christmas," Carl said as he and Jim grabbed bags from the backseat of the car first. "I figured you'd stay in the city since you have that little granddaughter now."

"Yeah, well, Katie and her family have decided to go to Vermont for Christmas," Jim answered.

"Does her husband have family there?" Carl asked.

"No; they're going skiing."

"Skiing!" his friend exclaimed. "We have a ski resort forty-five minutes from here; why do they need to go all the way to Vermont when they can ski in New York?"

"That's the million dollar question," Jim replied as they began the trek to the porch. "We just don't have an answer for it. We're disappointed though."

"I can imagine," his friend said, allowing the topic to drop while they carried the bags into the house and set them in the living room for Johanna before heading back into the cold.

"What about you?" Jim asked; "Are your kids and grandchildren coming for the holiday?"

"Not all of them like June would've liked," Carl replied. "Ashley and her husband and kids will be up; Luke and his wife and baby are coming. Hannah is going to her in-laws this year; David's not going to get leave until January."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he told him.

Carl nodded. "We're happy with the ones we're getting…and we keep the faith that one of these years it might work out to have them all home at once again. Maybe Katie will surprise you and show up for Christmas anyway."

"I doubt it," Jim said as he opened the trunk of the car. "I think where Jo and I are concerned, family Christmases are a thing of the past…we just have to get used to it and make our peace with it."

"Don't go giving up hope," his friend replied. "I know it's been rough for all of you…but one day things will be different."

"It's hard to keep hoping…especially this year when we thought it would be different because of the baby. It's even harder for Johanna than it is for me; this time of year takes her down…McKenzie was keeping her steady this time around and then Katie pulled the rug out from under us Friday evening when she picked the baby up. So now we just have to learn how to have Christmas in our own way without family expectations."

"Maybe that's best for this year," Carl stated; "But we'll keep our fingers crossed that next year will be the kind of Christmas you were hoping this year would be."

Jim managed a small smile. "I guess we can do that."

"Of course we can," the other man stated as they took the next load of items to the house.

Jim wasn't so sure about it but he figured it wouldn't hurt to humor his friend…now all he needed to do once they settled in was to get his wife on track in the holiday scheme of things.

* * *

That evening after everything had been put away and dinner had been eaten, Jim brought the Christmas tree down from one of the upstairs bedrooms and put it together. He plugged it in to make sure the lights still worked and then he settled down in the chair in anticipation of watching his wife decorate it. Johanna lifted the lid off the old cardboard box containing Elizabeth Beckett's Christmas ornaments and stared down into it, a frown on her lips as she gazed at the collection. They were beautiful, she had always thought so…and she knew some of them were special to Jim as they were reminders of his childhood…but they weren't hers. They weren't her ornaments…they weren't their history…it wasn't her Christmas. She breathed deeply; she didn't mind using Elizabeth's things…her mother-in-law had good taste in decorations but the fact remained…they weren't really hers.

"What's wrong?" Jim asked as he noticed that she wasn't unpacking the box. "Did they get broke?"

"No, they're fine," she said softly.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked as he moved and settled down on the floor beside her.

"Nothing," she replied, figuring it was best not to say what she had been thinking. It would only upset him…it would bring back bad memories and the possibility of being reminded that it was all her fault anyway. So instead, she forced herself to reach into the box and pull out Elizabeth's memories instead of her own.

"Jo," Jim said quietly. "What's wrong?"

"I told you, nothing."

"It's not nothing," he remarked. "I know when something's on your mind."

"It's nothing worth mentioning," she stated as she carefully unwrapped some of the spun glass ornaments.

Jim stilled her hands, forcing her to meet his eye. "Tell me," he prodded, his tone a mixture of gentleness and firmness.

Johanna swallowed hard, feeling emotion surging forward. "It's really nothing, Jim."

"It's something, now let's hear it."

"It's stupid."

"I'm sure it's not; now tell me what it is so we can make it better."

"We can't make it better," she replied softly, tears leaking into her voice.

"We don't know that for sure unless you tell me," he remarked, a hand moving to cup her cheek. "Come on, tell me."

"They're not my ornaments," she murmured.

His brow furrowed in puzzlement. "I know they were Mom's but they're yours now…you've been using them the last few years."

"I know…and I like them…but they're not mine. I miss my ornaments…the ones that always meant the most to me. Like the one my grandmother gave us the first Christmas we were married…and Katie's bear for her first Christmas…some of the ones I have from my mother…ones that your mother gave me as gifts…Katie's star she made when she was little…all my special ones."

He didn't know what to say, he hadn't considered that she missed them…he thought they were only painful reminders for all of them. "You know where they are, you could have brought them if you wanted them," he replied, his voice suddenly tight.

"No, I couldn't," she replied, a tear slipping down her cheek. "I used them that first Christmas back and…well, we know how that went. I'll never get to use them again…they only remind you of bad memories…and that's my fault for not getting them put away in time. I know you tell me to get over that but it's hard to do…I think about it every time I have to decorate a tree…I think about it every time I open up a box and use someone else's memories."

"If you don't want to use my mother's ornaments than don't use them," he said, tartness slipping into his voice. "I think they're just as nice as anything we had but if you don't want to use them, don't."

"It's not that," she cried, frustration filling her. "I just…they're not ours…it's not our history. Every time I decorate a tree with someone else's belongings…it makes me feel like I did when I was in Wyoming…like a part of me is missing; like I don't have any history prior to a certain date."

The words chaffed him and he spoke without thinking. "That's ridiculous, Johanna," he said as his defenses rose. "Ornaments aren't our history; they're just a box of glass. It's not your history; you know your history without an ornament to remind you."

Her head lowered, her gaze focusing on the Christmas balls she was unwrapping. "I told you it was stupid," she replied as she tried to push down her feelings. "That's why I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe now you'll believe me when I say something isn't worth mentioning."

Jim blew out a breath of frustration. "Jo, if you wanted the damn ornaments so badly all you had to do was get them out and bring them with you."

"You know I can't," she retorted as she rose with a few ornaments in her hand. "I can't ever use them again…they're tainted because I didn't get them put away in time. You and Katie don't want to see them. I tried using them that first Christmas home along with the new things I bought…but you didn't like it…in hindsight I could see that. So I can't ever use them again. I can't bring them here and watch you cringe every time you look at the tree. I don't even know why I kept them…I should just get rid of them like I got rid of all the other old stuff. What's the point in keeping them? I need to get rid of that stuff I bought that first Christmas back too…it's just as tainted as the old stuff and I can use the space in the attic."

"Jo," he said softly; the words washing over him like a bucket of cold water.

"It's why I hate decorating," Johanna stated, her voice taunt with emotion as she hung a few Christmas balls on the tree. "When it comes to Christmas, I don't have anything that's mine anymore. All I have is someone else's things. We don't even have a tree topper since Elizabeth's quit working last year. I think of buying things…like finding something pretty for the mantle or a nice wreath for on the door…but then I think to myself 'why bother?' Something would just come along and taint it too and it wouldn't be used anymore…so why bother? Why bother with any of it when you get down to it? It's just you and me; it isn't like we have company coming."

Jim was quiet for several minutes as he watched her hang the ornaments on the tree. It was so much clearer now why she had an aversion to decorating. She had never confessed her full feelings about the subject before…and he had given in to the knee jerk reaction to dismiss her feelings by declaring them ridiculous…by calling the ornaments she treasured a box of glass. If they were only a box of glass as he claimed, they shouldn't bother him…but they had during the Christmas of 2012 when all he had been able to think about was how he had taken them off the tree while drowning in grief in early 1999. If they were just pieces of glass, she wouldn't miss them and he wouldn't have gotten defensive when she mentioned feeling like she had in Wyoming…a person with no history. He closed his eyes, how could he have not seen that before? How could he dismiss it so casually when she had finally opened up? She had finally told him the true reasons she had kept squashed for the last few years and he dismissed them and called the ornaments pieces of glass…hurt her when she was already hurting.

"I love your mother's ornaments," Johanna stated, needing to end the oppressive silence between them; "Especially this little snowman…I was with Liz when she bought him. She fell in love with it on the spot at the Christmas bazaar we went to together that one year."

Jim said nothing, recalling that at that same bazaar, his mother had bought Johanna a crystal snowflake ornament…that was tucked in the box of special ornaments she couldn't part with but felt could never be used again.

"She always kept this snowman at the front of the tree in a place of honor," she went on; "She said she always wanted to be able to see him…that's why I always hang him front and center toward the top of the tree…because I know that's where Liz would want him," Johanna said, her thumb caressing the smooth white glass that made up the chubby little snowman. "Liz always had nice things...and she always took care of what she had; that's why even the oldest ornaments in the box are still in good shape."

He knew what she was trying to do; trying to make the words she said go away…and he couldn't find any responses to her rambling because he was too busy trying to figure out what to say or do to make things better in respect to the original topic.

"I didn't mean what I said, Jim," she said softly as the silence lingered. "I'm happy to have Elizabeth's things; they're beautiful...and I guess it is true; they are mine now…I did keep Madelyn from throwing them out…that's how they ended up here. I didn't mean it…you're right, those ornaments are just pieces of glass…they don't define us…I don't need them. I'm going to throw them out…the other stuff I'll donate to the thrift store…but I don't want anyone else using those ones I kept. It's better to just throw those away. There's no point in keeping them…Katie isn't going to want them one day so it's best to just get rid of them and be done with it."

"No," Jim said quietly. "You're not throwing them away…I don't want you to throw them away."

"I don't see why not," she replied, avoiding his gaze as she went back to the box to pluck out more ornaments. "We're never going to use them again."

"You don't know that for sure."

She gave a bitter laugh. "Yeah; I think I do; you can't stand to look at them and I'm not going to subject you to them…I caused you enough pain in your life. I don't need to add to it. They're just pieces of glass like you said…at least some of them are glass, others are other materials…Katie's star is Styrofoam…it's just an old box of junk. It's time to get rid of it and move on. I wish I could just move on from decorating trees completely but you won't let me."

"That's because I want you to have a Christmas tree," Jim replied; "And you're not getting rid of those ornaments that you saved. They're not junk…they're not just pieces of glass…you're not throwing them away."

"They're mine and I'll throw them away if I want to," she retorted. "You don't tell me what to do."

"Some of them are ours, not just yours," he stated; "And sometimes I do tell you what to do and I'm telling you now; you're not throwing them out. They're special to you…they're a part of us…and you don't have to keep them hidden away like a dirty little secret."

"Yeah; sure."

Frustration gnawed at him as he grabbed her wrist, preventing her from reaching back into the box. "You're not getting rid of them. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings…I'm sorry that I didn't realize why exactly you hate decorating so much. I should have known…but I didn't realize. I can't ask you to let go of things if I'm not willing to do the same," he remarked. "I shouldn't let a box of ornaments have that power over me…especially when it hurts you in the long run. The memories that came with those ornaments were good memories and we should remember those…not the bad ones that followed. We're keeping them and we're going to use them again."

"I don't need to use them…I can't this year anyway; they're at home," Johanna said softly. "It's ridiculous like you said. I shouldn't have said anything…it's just me being stupid."

"You're not stupid," he said sharply. "I hate when you say that."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop that too," he told her. "We had your apology quota back down to normal levels for awhile now and I don't them going back through the roof. I'm not mad at you for missing the things you love…you have every right to miss them…and you have every right to use them. I make you put up a tree…and you should make me get used to looking at ornaments that meant something to us. I want you to buy all the pretty things you want for up here…something for the mantle, whatever you want for the door…get things for on the stands, get Christmas tablecloths and holiday mugs…I want you to be happy…I want you to have things that are yours. We can still use some of Mom's things…but you can buy new little ornaments too for on the tree. We'll go into town tomorrow afternoon and go to the stores…we'll get a new topper for the tree; we'll get a star, you always liked a star on the tree the best and you get everything you want to decorate this place with."

"We don't have to do that," she murmured.

"I want to," he told her, his fingertips capturing her chin and forcing her to look at him. "I want you to have nice things…things you chose and love…I don't care that we're not having company; we should have nice things to look at for us and you always made our home beautiful for Christmas. Katie and I have stripped you of everything you enjoyed about this holiday…so I don't blame you for hating it although I've been pushing you through it the last few years…but it's time for us to get back to the way things should be…or at least closer to them than they have been. I don't want you to be sad anymore…I want you to be happy; I want you to have a Christmas tree that you love to look at and nice things all around that give you that holiday feeling. I want to give it back to you…so tomorrow afternoon, we're going to go shopping, okay? Are you willing to do that for me…for us?"

Johanna nodded slowly. "I'll try."

He gave her a smile, his fingertips brushing against the line of her chin. "Try real hard, okay?"

"I promise," she whispered.

Jim caught her lips in a soft kiss. "Then how about we put the rest of the tree trimming on hold for tonight? I'm tired and I know you are too because you've been going non-stop…it's making us a little snappish with each other. Let's just put the lid back on the box so Scarlett doesn't get into it, lock up and head to our room for the rest of the night. Maybe we can find something to watch before we go to sleep."

She was tired…her feelings twisted and raw as they always were at this time of year. Going to bed and slipping beneath the covers was just what she had been waiting on all day. "Okay," she said softly.

He captured her hand and rose from the floor, pulling her along with him. "Tomorrow will be better," he told her.

Johanna nodded. "I know."

"I'll make sure the doors are locked and I'll put these boxes away in the closet until tomorrow; why don't you find Scarlett and see where she's hanging out for the night…if she wants in our room, maybe we can get her in there before we're half asleep and she's scratching at the door. You can have the shower first; I'll be along after I make sure everything is secure."

"Alright," she replied, giving him a quick kiss before she turned and headed for the kitchen to look for her pet. She knew he wanted to make her feel better…that he felt badly for the way things had gone that evening. She sighed deeply; their holiday was getting off to a rocky start and she wished that it hadn't gone that way.

* * *

Johanna felt the weariness of the last few days as she sank into their comfortable bed with a sigh. She closed her eyes, listening to the water running in the bathroom as Jim took his shower. She loved this room…at the moment she loved it even more than their room at home. Over the course of a few summer weekend getaways, they had redone the room in small ways…although Jim had offered to buy new furniture. She had declined though; she liked the antique cherry wood bedroom suite that had belonged to Robert and Elizabeth when they had owned the place. Jim hadn't said much but she knew he had been glad that she had opted to keep the furniture. Instead, she had asked for new carpeting, selecting a thick cream colored carpet that was soft and warm on bare feet. Jim had selected a new flat screen TV that he hung on the wall for those lazy mornings and evenings when they just wanted to linger in bed.

They had both chosen a beautiful electric fireplace that matched the furniture just right. It was beautiful, Johanna thought to herself as she watched the flicker of the flames and listened to the realistic sounds of popping it occasionally made. She snuggled further under the covers, glad that Jim had talked her into splurging on the expensive sheets and the plush deep red comforter set that was trimmed in black. She had fallen in love with the set as soon as she had seen it…and considered it a small miracle that her husband hadn't bulked at the choice as he had sometimes in the past. The material was soft and felt luxurious and she couldn't help but feel like their room was nice cozy in the soft light of the lamps and fireplace, snow falling outside the window; her cat asleep in the spare cat bed they kept in their room for when she wanted to sleep there. She sighed deeply as she picked up the remote and flipped channels until she found something to watch. She still felt those edges of depression…still felt like she was going to struggle through the holiday…but tomorrow she would try to do better; Jim was going to take her to the stores and maybe she'd give in and allow herself to buy pretty decorations…and hopefully they wouldn't end up tainted with bad memories. She could buy a few new ornaments and put the old ones at home in the attic out of her mind. Tomorrow she had to do better she thought tiredly as sleepiness washed over her. She just had to try harder tomorrow.

* * *

When Jim came out of the bathroom a short while later, he noted that Scarlett was curled up in her bed, her small stuffed reindeer she had been carrying around all month lying beside her. He glanced at his wife, seeing that she was sleepily watching a rerun of Modern Family. He frowned a little; he didn't care for that show…he preferred the sitcoms of the 70s, 80s, and 90s when they had actually been funny. Johanna liked it though; at home she recorded it to watch when she was home with McKenzie and he was at work. He could set through it though until she fell asleep…by the looks of her, it wouldn't be much longer…but it was the least he could do since their evening had turned sour. As he rounded the bed and slipped into his place, Johanna picked up the remote and flipped the channel to a classic station Jim preferred.

"You don't have to turn what you were watching," he told her.

"It's alright; I was only watching it until you came to bed. I know you don't like it."

"I can survive sitting through an episode," Jim replied.

"Yeah, but there's always an unnecessary side of commentary that comes with you sitting through an episode," she said before a yawn escaped her.

"What do you mean?" he asked as he glanced at her.

"You know what I mean; you sit there and tell me constantly that the plotlines are stupid and which characters are annoying and whatever else you can think up and I end up missing half the dialogue anyway. I'd just rather watch something that we both like, or at the least, something you like."

"I'm sorry," Jim told her; "I guess I have done that when you're watching that show."

"It's okay...I get even during football season," she said as she laid the remote on his lap and shifted around to find the most comfy spot to doze off in.

He waited until she was comfortable and then leaned over to kiss her goodnight. "I love you, Jo," he said softly.

"I love you too," Johanna murmured.

"I'm sorry about tonight," he stated as he turned her show back on and then laid the remote on his nightstand before sliding down in his spot to be next to her.

She shook her head. "No need to be sorry…it was my fault. Don't pay any attention to what I said; I'm just tired…you know I get overly emotional when I'm tired. I'll be better tomorrow."

He breathed deeply as he brushed his fingertips against her cheek; she was dismissing her own feelings because he had reacted badly. "You don't have to brush away how you feel; I know I reacted badly but I'm glad to know the whole reason of why it's hard for you to decorate. I understand why you feel the way you do…I just want to make it better for you."

Her fingers curled around his, squeezing them softly. "As long as I'm with you, I'm happy. Silly things like ornaments and old traditions don't matter."

"They do matter," he murmured. "They've gotten away from us…but maybe we can bring them back."

"I tried that before," she said sleepily. "It didn't work out."

"Doesn't mean we can't try again."

Johanna's eyes closed for a moment and she forced them back open. "We're going shopping tomorrow; I'll pick out some decorations like you said. I'll be alright; I've got you and Scarlett and we're settled in here for awhile. I'll be better tomorrow, I promise."

She was tired, Jim thought to himself, his fingertips brushing across her forehead once more; there was no pint in rehashing it or trying to convince her that she was entitled to her feelings. He pressed a soft kiss against her lips. "Watch your show and go to sleep, Sweetheart. I know you're tired. Tomorrow will be better."

She gave him a sleepy smile as she nodded in agreement. "Maybe I'll sleep in."

"You should," he told her. "You've earned it."

Johanna moved closer to him to feel his warmth, her hand curling softly around his wrist, her gaze moving back to the television for a few minutes until she lost the battle against sleep and her eyes closed.

Jim waited for awhile to be sure she was going to stay asleep and then he reached for the remote and turned the channel; finding an old show that he liked to watch. He glanced at his wife to make sure the switch hadn't disturbed her slumber and seeing that it hadn't, he sighed quietly. How was he going to turn this holiday around for her? The past dogged their heels every year when this season rolled in…and this year there was the added disappointment of not being with their granddaughter for her first Christmas. The holiday used to be a happy time for them; they had started creating traditions even before they were married and they had been carried out every year…until they were forced apart. He sighed deeply; she was right, she had tried to bring back those traditions and feelings and it had gone wrong…but maybe enough time had passed that they could try again in some ways.

He had to make this better…he had to find a way for her to have those ornaments that she missed so much; the ones that told of moments in their lives, the ones that held special memories. He just had to give those back to her…but how? He couldn't just drive all the way back to the city to grab a box from the attic and then drive all the way back; that would take half the day and he had promised to take her shopping in the afternoon. If he could just have someone get the box and meet him halfway it wouldn't be so bad. Jeff came to mind; his friend had a key for emergencies and so that he could take the mail in when they were away.

Johanna shifted beside him, making his gaze dart toward her as her hand slipped away from his wrist as she rolled onto her other side. He pulled the blankets up around her more securely and then slipped out of bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand as he did so. He'd go out to the kitchen and send Jeff a text about his idea; he didn't want to chance waking her on the off chance that his friend would call back instead of texting. If Jeff was agreeable to the plan, and he would find some way to make it agreeable by thinking up some form of compensation, then all he had to do was wake Johanna sometime in the morning and while she was drowsy, tell her that he had to go down the road and help Carl with something and that he'd be back in time for them to go shopping. He could make this work; he just had to…he had to find some way to give Christmas back to her.

* * *

The clock on the stove said 8:03 as Jim sat at the kitchen table and sipped a cup of coffee; so far Johanna was keeping her word about sleeping in…and he hoped she'd stick to it as he waited for Jeff to text and say that he had gotten the box of ornaments and was on his way to meet him at the halfway point they had settled on for the trade. It would be easier to get away without question if he could gently wake his wife, tell her a white lie while she was sleepy and then slip out as she drifted back to sleep. Finally his phone buzzed on the table and he snatched it up, opening the text and seeing the picture of a box Jeff had sent.

"_Is this the right one?" _Jeff had written.

"_That's the one; did you have any problem finding it?"_

"_No; it was right where you said it would be. Do you need or want anything else while I'm here?"_

A couple things came to mind that might help the holiday along and so he told Jeff where to find the items and where to get a bag to put them in once he collected them. After a few minutes his friend sent another text.

"_Alright, I've got it all. I'll make sure the house is locked up and I'll be on my way."_

"_I'll go tell Jo the story I planned to get out of here; I'll see you in a little while," _Jim wrote back. He took the last sip of his coffee and then made his way to the bedroom, being quiet as he entered the room. Johanna was still curled up beneath the covers and he noted that Scarlett had jumped up beside her and made herself comfortable although she knew she was supposed to stay off the bed…but for today he'd let her get away with it since he needed to get a move on and maybe having the cat snuggled up with her would ensure that Johanna would go back to sleep.

"Jo," he said quietly, giving her hip a shake. She didn't stir so he shook her once more. "Johanna."

"Hmm?" she mumbled.

"I have to go out for a little while," Jim told her softly; "Carl needs me to help him with his furnace. I'll be back in time for us to go shopping this afternoon, okay?"

"Okay," she said sleepily. "What time is it?"

"Still early, sweetheart; go back to sleep for a little while," he replied as he kissed her cheek and made sure the covers were tucked around her.

She snuggled back into her pillow. "Be careful, honey," she murmured.

"I promise," Jim said, brushing a quick kiss against her lips before hurrying from the room to get on his way. He was going to turn this holiday around…he was going to show her that it could still be good; all they had to do was try.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! _

Chapter 7

"McKenzie; come back here," Kate said as she watched her daughter crawl off the rug in the living room. She was of course ignored, her baby slowly inching herself away in search of adventure. "McKenzie Grace," she said once more.

McKenzie's head turned toward her, a mischievous grin on her lips as she plopped down on her bottom. "MaMaMa."

She smiled at her. "Mama says stay on the rug with your toys."

Her baby laughed and retook the crawling position, moving faster this time as she headed toward the table. "McKenzie," Kate said as she laid aside the sleeper she was folding. "Come back here."

"Ma-Ma!" her daughter squealed as she sat down once again. "Mama!"

Her eyes widened as she rose from the sofa and made her way toward her daughter. "Did you say Mama?" she asked as she reached for her, cuddling her squirming baby close. "Did you finally get it out there? Say it; say Mama."

McKenzie opted for giving her kisses instead of saying the word. "Come on, say it for me," Kate said; "Say Mama."

"Dada."

She frowned. "Daddy will be back; say Mama…come on, you can do it."

"Dada."

"You're doing that just to be mean," Kate said lightly. "Come on, it's almost Christmas and Mommy wants to hear that word again. Can you do it? Say Mama."

"MaMaMa."

Kate sighed. "Kenzi girl, you're toying with me…you're taking after your father."

The baby giggled at her, her small hands exploring her mother's face. "Mama!"

A bright smile crossed her lips as she cuddled her close. "That's my girl; I knew you could say it! We have to tell Grandma," she said as she carried McKenzie back to the sofa and grabbed her phone, opening their thread of texts and tapping out a message as she tried to keep McKenzie from sending it prematurely. _"McKenzie just said Mama!"_

"There," she said as she hit send. "Let's see what Grandma thinks of that; she'll say you're getting to be a big girl," Kate said as she kissed her baby's cheeks. "Don't get big too fast though…I want to you to stay cuddly for awhile longer."

She ignored the basket of laundry and played with her daughter for awhile, waiting for a reply to her text. Her parents hadn't bothered to let her know that they had gotten to the cabin safely…and she hadn't bothered to check in the night before; figuring things would still be raw from her mother's quick visit. No response came to her text so she sent her mother another message; one that demanded a response. _"Alright, I haven't heard from you since you left here and you haven't responded to my last text; I'm going to require proof of life and I better get it in the next five minutes or I'll ring your phone until you do answer."_

"We'll see how Grandma likes that," Kate told McKenzie as she rolled a small, soft ball to her.

Her daughter picked up the ball, laughing as it jingled and then as usual, had to have a small taste of it. 'Don't eat it," Kate laughed, reaching out to tug it away from her baby's mouth. "Roll it to Mommy."

"Mama," McKenzie said, dropping the ball with a giggle and then pushing it a little with her hand.

"Good girl," Kate praised, her hand reaching out and pulling the ball closer so she could push it back to her. Her phone buzzed just as she rolled the ball. "Bet that's Grandma," she said as she grabbed her phone and opened the message; finding a picture of her mother, who looked to still be in bed, her cat sitting near her shoulder, paw outstretched as if she was about to nudge her. _"So much for sleeping in when Scarlett's whacking me with her paw and you're demanding proof of life texts."_

Kate smirked at the phone and turned it to show McKenzie. "Look, McKenzie; who is that?"

"MaMaMa!" she exclaimed, crawling closer.

"Don't tell me you really have been saying Grandma all this time, you little traitor," she said lightly as she her daughter crawled onto her lap as she began tapping out a new message. _"It's nine-thirty; get up…feed the cat…amuse your husband. Speaking of Dad; hasn't he hit you with anything in a demand for breakfast?"_

"_No; he's not here. He woke me up sometime this morning and said he had to go help Carl with something."_

"_He went without breakfast?"_

"_I don't know…I wasn't totally awake when he left; I don't even know what time it was."_

"_Maybe you should call him," _Kate suggested.

"_I'm sure he's fine; if I don't hear from him in a little while, then I'll call."_

"_McKenzie said Mama," _she told her mother once more.

"_Congratulations."_

"_I expected more enthusiasm," _Kate admitted.

"_It's hard to show enthusiasm in a text," _Johanna replied. _"I'm very happy for both of you, regardless of what you think."_

Kate pondered her next response as McKenzie began tapping the screen, the text box filling with a stream of jumbled letters. She hit send for her daughter and then typed another message. _"That was McKenzie saying good morning, Grandma!"_

"_Good morning, McKenzie; I love you," _Johanna wrote back.

Kate pressed a kiss to her daughter's head. "That's from Grandma, she loves you."

McKenzie babbled back to her as she quickly turned the camera on and took a picture of them together to send to her mother in her next text as she was reluctant to end contact with her.

"_She looks just like you," _her mother wrote back a moment later.

"_I don't know…with the dark hair, I think she looks more like you."_

"_We'll just say there's a family resemblance," _Johanna replied.

"_That's true," _Kate responded; letting the sentence hang for a moment before adding, _"I'm sorry about yesterday."_

"_There's nothing to be sorry for; you have every right to go away while you have time off. We didn't mean to make a fuss…it's just our first year as grandparents and I guess we try to have as many moments as we can but we're fine; don't worry about it anymore. I'm sorry if I hurt you or offended your husband…it really wasn't my intent with the gift or the story book. I had no ulterior motives."_

"_The story did have an unfortunate title given the circumstances," _Kate replied.

"_So you don't believe me when I say there was no motive in giving it other than providing McKenzie with another book for her library?"_

"_Mom, I don't want to fight."_

"_I don't want to fight either…I had just hoped that you believed me because I told you the truth. In the future; I'll make sure McKenzie's storybooks stay at my house when I buy her one. I wouldn't want to accidentally offend someone with the Cat in the Hat."_

Kate sighed deeply as McKenzie looked up at her, her green eyes seemingly questioning her. "Don't look at me like that, Kenzie; you look like your Grandma when you make that face."

"Ma!"

"Yeah; Grandma…Mommy blew it again," she said as she glanced back at the screen and the empty text box that was waiting for her to type. _"I believe you."_

"_It's fine if you don't; I'm not going to say anything else about it," _her mother replied.

Even in a text message Kate could hear her mother's tone of voice in regard to that phrase. Perhaps it was best to navigate back to safe waters. _"What are you and Dad going to do today?"_

"_We've got a few things in mind," _Johanna answered. _"We need to go into town and get milk and eggs and things like that; then we'll probably look around in the stores. When do you leave for Vermont?"_

"_I don't know yet; we haven't gotten our final confirmation yet."_

"_If you don't have it by tomorrow then you're probably not going. You have to plan things like this far in advance, Katie. You can't just wait until the week of Christmas and decide on a whim to head out of town to a ski lodge."_

"_It wasn't my idea; it was Rick's. It's not my fault he didn't think of it sooner."_

"_I didn't say it was…the point stands. You'll probably be spending Christmas in the city."_

Kate huffed a little bit, eliciting a giggle from her daughter. _"Well if that happens," _she wrote back; _"You and Dad can come home and you'll be able to see McKenzie for Christmas like you wanted."_

"_I don't think so. We're unpacked and settled in and we're going to finish decorating the tree this evening; we won't be back until after the New Year; exact date yet to be determined."_

"_You wouldn't come back to the city if our plans fell through?" _Kate asked.

"_No, I won't," _Johanna stated; _"And you can't expect us to do that. You said you were going away so we made plans; we're here, we're settled, I've started decorating and our turkey is thawing in the fridge. I'm not going anywhere outside of this county until after the New Year. We didn't come all the way up here just to turn around and come back on yours and Rick's whims, Katie. We're not yo-yos."_

"_I thought you would for McKenzie."_

"_We love McKenzie with all of our hearts; but we're here for the holiday now. I'm sorry; but if your plans fall through we're not going to pack up and run back home. You're more than welcome to drive up here though for Christmas Day if you end up staying home."_

"_I'll keep that in mind," _Kate remarked; deeming it as the safest response she could give. It stung to know that her parents wouldn't be inclined to come back to the city if their plans fell through…but deep down, she couldn't really blame them for it. They had intended to stay…she was the one that told them she wouldn't be around so they had every right to go away and stay there for as long as they desired no matter how her holiday ended up.

"_I need to get up," _Johanna wrote; _"If I don't Scarlett will keep smacking me with her paw. I better check her dish and see if your father put anything out for her before he left."_

Kate's nose wrinkled as an odor filled the air. _"Yeah; McKenzie just released enough stink to kill an elf; I better go clean up the crime scene. Now I know why she's been sitting still for the last few minutes."_

"_Let me know if she needs a lawyer."_

She smirked at the screen. _"Will do. Love you."_

"_I love you too."_

Kate laid her phone aside and picked up her daughter, turning to face her. "This is not the Christmas gift I wanted," she told her lightly as she rose from the floor. "Your little gifts should come with a warning label."

McKenzie giggled at her, peppering her face with sloppy kisses as she headed for the stairs with her. She laughed, managing to dodge a few kisses and bestow her own on McKenzie's soft cheek. "The gifts leave a little to be desired but at least you're affectionate during the giving. Let's hope Grandma forgives me soon and gets back to being her chatty, affectionate self."

* * *

It was nearly eleven when Jim walked back through the door of the cabin that morning. He sat the box and bag he had gotten from Jeff in the chair and shrugged out of his coat. The TV was on and a mug of tea was on the stand but his wife wasn't in the room. "Jo!?" he called out.

"I'm here," she answered; her voice somewhat distant. "I'm in the den plugging in my laptop; I forgot to do it last night."

"Plug my mine in too while you're in there," he called back as he hung his coat on the hook by the door.

"I already did."

"Thanks, sweetheart."

"No problem," Johanna replied, her voice sounding a little nearer. "Did you and Carl fix whatever it was that was broken?"

"I didn't go to Carl's."

"I swear that's what you told me," she said, her brow furrowed as she stepped out of the hallway and into the living room, Scarlett at her heels.

"I did but I lied."

"Oh?" she asked.

He smiled. "Yeah; I went to meet Jeff. We forgot some things at home."

"We didn't forget anything; we do need to go to the store and get those things we didn't get at home; bread and eggs most of all."

"I know and we will after we go shopping but there were some things we left behind," he said as he moved back to the items in the chair while she made her way further into the room. "First of all, here is this," Jim stated, taking one of McKenzie's Santa photos from the bag."

Johanna gave him a small smile as she accepted the photo. "You really didn't need to trouble Jeff over a picture."

"It's alright; he was there anyway on my errand. We'll get a frame for that while we're out today. Here's this," he remarked; handing her the dvd of a Charlie Brown Christmas.

"I bought this for McKenzie," she told him.

"Yeah; I know that's the story for publication but I also know it's your favorite Christmas show so we may as well watch it while we're up here."

She smiled. "How much do you owe Jeff for fetching a photo and a dvd?"

"A round of golf in the spring; but there's more," Jim replied as he lifted the item from the bag and held it out to her.

Johanna laid aside the dvd and photo and accepted her Christmas mixing bowl with reverence; a wobbly smile clinging to her lips as her fingertips rubbed against the smooth white glass that was decorated with candy canes and holly leaves. "It's been awhile since I've used it," she murmured.

"I know," Jim said with a nod; she hadn't pulled it from the shelf since that first Christmas she had been home. "I figured it was time…after all; that's been a part of our traditions for a long time…do you remember?"

She nodded, tears stinging her eyes. "Yeah; you bought me one the first Christmas we were married…and the Christmas when Katie was four, I dropped it getting it out of the cabinet and it broke. You bought me this one and brought it home from Chicago with you that Christmas...I was so happy you found the same pattern."

"Me too," he replied. "I knew how much it meant to you…I know how much it still means to you even though you haven't used it in awhile. It's ready though…I can tell. It can't wait to be full of cake mix and cookie dough."

She glanced at him, a hint of a tearful smile on her lips. "Cookies?"

"Well I figure if you're going to be making fudge and the cake, you may as well make some cookies too…some peanut butter ones…maybe some chocolate chip too."

"I guess I better add some things to my list," Johanna replied.

"Probably so," he agreed. "Put your bowl down; I have one more thing for you."

Johanna carefully sat her bowl down on the stand as Jim sat the bag aside and picked up the box, holding it out to her. She didn't reach for it, recognizing her own angry scrawl of the word 'Ornaments' across the lid of the box. She glanced at him but said nothing; fearing that she would say the wrong thing; that the jumbled feelings that box inspired would cause her to lash out.

"Take it," he coaxed.

"You didn't have to go through the trouble," she said quietly. "I told you I didn't need them."

"I know what you told me…the same thing you always tell me when you're worried that you've stepped across some invisible line and committed an unpardonable sin. You tell me it's fine, that it doesn't matter, that you don't need whatever it was you were speaking of…that you were just tired or overly emotional…that you'll be better tomorrow. You always say that and I always know what it means…that you'll lay there beside me in the dark and tell yourself that whatever it was doesn't matter and you make yourself believe it so you'll be the kind of 'better' you promised. But I don't want that," Jim told her. "I want you to be the right kind of better…because it does matter…and you do need them. Now you take this box and open it…and you look at the things inside and remember the people who gave them to you and why they're special to you. The rest you leave behind…because it shouldn't be allowed to taint everything…especially things you cherish. Take the box, Johanna."

She hesitated but forced herself to reach out and take the box, knowing he wouldn't let her refuse it. Once it was in her hands, she looked at him, still silent, unsure of how to proceed.

Jim gave her a reassuring smile. "Sit down and open it…let's see what all is in there."

"Maybe we should wait until later," she said softly; "We wanted to go shopping and get things from the store…I don't want anything to spoil our outing."

"Nothing is going to spoil our day," he told her. "Open the box."

Johanna moved to the sofa with the box but she didn't open it…couldn't bring herself to pull the lid off and reveal all of those carefully wrapped ornaments that she had put away with the thought that she'd never seen them again. Jim joined her on the sofa and she knew he was waiting…but she hated to open that box. She didn't want him to put her feelings above his. He had every right not to want those ornaments around. If she hadn't mentioned them, he wouldn't have thought of them.

Jim studied her, watching the internal battle play out across her features. She missed the things contained in that box, he knew that for sure…but she was afraid to have them…afraid to open the box and push through the pain and bad memories so that she could see them the way she always had. The past was hard to shake; he knew that all too well…just like he knew that she always worried about causing him additional pain by needing something that was difficult for him to give. He could get past a box of ornaments though; he had gotten past bigger things after all. Besides, catering to his own pain only caused more hurt for his wife and she had more than enough of that. Seeing that she still hadn't made up her mind to open the box; Jim reached out and lifted the lid off, revealing the assortment of items tightly wrapped in red tissue paper. He picked one up and picked at the tape holding the paper together until it finally gave way, allowing him to start unrolling the paper.

"We don't have to do this," Johanna said softly.

"We do," he remarked.

"It hurts you to see these things," she murmured. "I don't want you to hurt."

"It hurts you not to see them," he replied; "And I don't want _you_ to hurt anymore."

"I'm used to doing without them though," she stated, her tone quiet. "I shouldn't have said anything about it. I don't know why I did."

"Because it's time," Jim told her. "It's time to let go of a sector of years that is smaller than the amount of years we've spent together. It's time to bring these out of the attic and remember them for what they were; our memories…our moments in time," he said as the thin red paper finally fell away revealing a delicate ballerina clad in pink tutu, her limbs gracefully posed in an arabesque. He smiled a little, glancing at Johanna as he carefully held the ornament. "Frank gave you this," he said, his tone warm and gentle. "Katie was just a baby then…you unwrapped this and fell in love with it on the spot. It was a surprise to you because Frank didn't often give any of his children a gift just from him; the gifts were always from him and Naomi together…but this was just from him and I remember you asked him why he had chosen her. I remember him saying that when he saw her in the store, he thought of you; first because when you were a little girl you took ballet and had a pink tutu…and second, she reminded him of you because of her gracefulness…he told you that you had inherited your gracefulness from you mother. He said he just couldn't leave her there on the hook in that store; she was meant for you. You cherished her because she was a gift from your father…that she came with warm words and affection. You always picked a special branch for her; one where no other ornaments could disturb her…where she had space and looked like she was dancing on air. Do you remember?"

"I remember," Johanna whispered, tears clogging her voice as she stretched out trembling fingers to skim against the pink painted ballet shoes of her ballerina.

"It's time for her to be back on your tree," Jim stated; "So you can see her and remember your father…and that even though he didn't always show it, he loved you," he said as he rose from the sofa and moved toward the tree. "I think I see the perfect branch," he remarked, selecting one at the upper half of the middle section of the tree. He placed the ornament's hook on the branch and carefully positioned the ballerina so she hung perfectly in the space. "What do you think?" he asked as he hurried to plug in the lights of the tree.

"She looks beautiful there," his wife answered.

"Good, I picked the right branch," he said lightly as he returned to her side and picked up another ornament and unwrapped it; revealing the crystal snowflake his mother had given her. "Mom gave you this," he stated. "Not the first Christmas we were married…I believe it was the second…when you went to that Christmas bazaar with her…no one else wanted to go with her but you wanted to go after hearing her talk about it so Dad needled her into taking you with her….and surprise, she enjoyed it…and saw you admiring this and she bought it for you for Christmas."

"The first thing she ever gave me," Johanna replied; remembering how surprised she had been when Elizabeth had handed her that small package that Christmas. Her mother-in-law hadn't given her anything the first Christmas she had been a part of her family…she hadn't minded nor did she expect anything the second year…but Liz had been starting to warm up a little at times back then…although she treaded carefully. She had loved that snowflake…she still loved it and thought of Elizabeth every time she saw it.

Jim carried it to the tree and hung it on a branch. "No, not here," Johanna said gently; it's too heavy for that one; it has to go closer to the bottom half of the tree; those branches are bigger. Her husband nodded and selected a branch to the side on the bottom section of the tree and hung the snowflake. "That looks pretty there," he said; "The lights are making it sparkle."

She nodded. "That's a good spot for it."

He gave her a smile and returned to her side, reaching into the box once more and grabbing another object. He unwrapped it and showed her the heart shaped ornament her grandmother had given them for their first Christmas. "Sophia gave us this," he said, watching as her fingertips stretched out and traced the gold script that spelled out 'Our first Christmas as Husband and Wife, 1977' and the small set of entwined golden wedding bands that was painted beneath them. "I remember she called you at work on a Friday, said she was lonely and wanted to stay with Naomi but Frank was too busy to come and get her. So after work we went to Brooklyn and got her…you talked her into spending that night with us. You made us a nice dinner and she looked over our decorations and our tree that we hadn't finished yet and she reached into that big purse of hers," he said with a laugh; "And she pulled out a box and gave it to you, told us it was an early Christmas present. We hung it on the tree together while she watched us. She was so happy to be there that night; we told her she could stay all weekend but she wouldn't hear of it because we didn't have a guest room…and she felt bad that I had to sleep on the couch so she could share the bedroom with you," he laughed; "But I didn't mind; you were both happy being together that night and it made it worth sleeping on the couch…but she made us take her to Naomi's the next day…I think mostly so she could torment Frank with a preview of the Christmas biscotti."

Johanna laughed softly. "Tormenting Dad with biscotti was always the highlight of her holiday season."

"It really was," he agreed lightly as he put the heart into her hands. "Go put it on the tree; pick a spot Sophia would approve."

Her fingers curled around the heart but she didn't move. Jim rose from the sofa, reaching out and grasping her elbow as he did so, making her rise as well. "Come on, sweetheart," he said quietly. "It's alright…it's ours…it belongs on our tree."

She nodded as he gently tugged her along with him to the tree. She found a spot near the top and nestled the heart there among the branches, making sure its hook was securely fastened to the branch above it before she allowed her fingers to slip away from the smooth glass. She glanced at Jim as he remained at her side, his hand rubbing against the small of her back. "How does it look?" she asked.

"Perfect," he said with a smile before capturing her lips in a kiss; remembering that he always kissed her when they hung that ornament on their tree. He knew that she remembered too when she sank into his arms; her arms wrapping around him tightly. "That's my girl," he murmured to her.

Emotion clawed at her as she hung on to him tightly. "Thank you," she whispered; wanting to say more but unable to find all the words.

"Anything for you, sweetheart," he said, pulling back a pace so he could see her face and the tears shining in her eyes.

"I love you," Johanna told him as she caressed his cheek.

"I love you too," he replied; catching her lips in another kiss. "I just wanted to get you started; if you want to wait until later to finish so we can go get started on our shopping; we can; we'll put the box in the closet until we get back," he told her; thinking that maybe if they just took it slowly; a few ornaments at a time, it would help her feel at ease using the things she had missed so much.

"I want to find Katie's bear first," she said softly as she met his gaze; "If that's okay?"

He gave her a smile. "That's fine; we'll find Katie's bear and hang it on the tree before we take a break."

"You're sure?"

"I'm positive," Jim told her as they made their way back to the box on the sofa.

He saw the slightest tremble of her hands as she reached into the box and began to unwrap ornaments. He said nothing about it; knowing that she'd calm after she got through unwrapping the first one herself. He too unwrapped another ornament, moving slowly in hopes that she would come across the ornament she ought; and finally on the third try, she unwound the red tissue paper and found the white porcelain teddy bear that wore a pink Santa hat and pink bib, the words upon it spelling out 'Baby's First Christmas 1979'.

"I found it," she murmured; her thumb rubbing against the glass.

"Good," he said, a smile playing on his lips. "Just figures it would take three tries to find Katie."

She laughed softly. "Yeah; it does figure; doesn't it?"

"It does; remember how tiny she was when we put up the tree that year?" he asked.

Johanna nodded. "She was only about two weeks old when we put up the tree that year. She was napping in the bassinet when you brought the tree down from the attic. We didn't have to worry about moving furniture that year…we had only been in the house since August and our stuff from the apartment didn't really fill it up. We had an empty corner and the tree went into it perfectly. I was so tired," she remembered; "And so excited for her to have Christmas even though she had no idea what was going on around her."

"I remember," he replied; "And we were trying to be quiet while we decorated so we wouldn't wake her. You had asked your mother to keep an eye out for a first Christmas ornament for the baby and she found that bear and had brought it over the night before. She wouldn't let us pay her back for it either."

"Of course not," she said, a small smile touching her lips. "She picked a nice ornament for Katie though."

"Yeah; she did."

"We put Katie in her carrier on Christmas morning and set her by the tree and we opened her presents for her," Johanna remembered. "We held up the toys and clothes and stuffed animals for her to see."

"And in true Katie fashion, she looked utterly unimpressed," Jim said with a laugh.

Johanna laughed with him. "Well she was only a month old…but she did seem to like looking at the tree better than looking at her gifts."

"She did love those lights, didn't she?"

"She did; they fascinated her."

Jim leaned over the box and kissed her softly. "You better hang that bear on the tree and then get ready so we can go out. I'll put the rest in the closet until we get back."

She smiled and nodded. "Okay. I have a branch picked out…I'm going to put it near Liz's snowman."

"Sounds good, sweetheart," he told her, pride spreading across his chest as she went to the tree on her own and hung the bear in the spot she had chosen for it. Scarlett rubbed against his leg and he gave her an affectionate pat. "You be a good girl while we're out, Scarlett."

"She'll be good," Johanna said as she moved back toward him and picked up the lid for the box. "We should try to find a little cat ornament to put on the tree to represent her; she is part of our family."

Another sign of progress, Jim thought to himself as he gave her a nod. "We'll see what we can find, sweetheart."

* * *

"Daddy will be back, McKenzie," Kate said as she chased her daughter across the room as she crawled for the closed door of the office.

"Dadada," McKenzie said, her hands smacking against the bottom of the door.

"Daddy's writing," she said as she scooped up her daughter and carried her back to the sofa with her. "He needs to get this chapter done before Christmas, sweet girl. He'll play with you some more in a little while."

McKenzie grabbed hold of a lock of her hair and tugged it. "Ow," Kate exclaimed, untangling McKenzie's hand from her hair. "That's not nice, sweetie; don't do that."

Her daughter squirmed in her arms, wanting to be free to explore but she pulled the walker toward them and placed her in it so she could play with the toys on her tray and hopefully stay put for a few minutes. "You give me more of a work out than chasing suspects, McKenzie," she told her as she spun the musical toy attached to the tray of the walker. Her baby laughed at her, waving around the rattle she had picked up to punctuate her feelings on the topic.

"You think it's funny?" Kate asked her; tickling her and making her giggle all the more.

The door of the loft opened and Martha Rodger's swept inside in a flourish of blue coat and bright pink gloves that she quickly pulled off once the door was closed; dropping them and her purse onto the kitchen counter and shrugging out of her coat. "It's freezing out there!" Martha declared. "I know it's winter but still; there's just no sense in it being so cold that you can't stand to be outside."

"Do you want me to turn the heat up for you, Martha?" Kate asked.

"No, darling; I'm sure I'll warm up in a few minutes," she answered as she headed in their direction. "Where's my girl?" she cooed, pretending not to see her granddaughter.

"Look, McKenzie; Grammy's home!"

McKenzie's gaze moved toward Martha, a bright smile and squeal coming to her lips as she raised her arms in demand to be picked up. "There's my girl!" Martha said, stepping in front of the walker. "Can I take her out of there?"

"Yes, go ahead," Kate replied. "I just put her in there to keep her in one place for a few minutes."

"Were you on the lam again?" Martha asked her granddaughter as she lifted her into her arms and kissed her cheeks. "Are you going to need the legal services of your other grandmother?"

"They were offered this morning via text message," her daughter-in-law remarked.

"Oh?" the redhead asked as she sat down on the sofa with her. "What did our girl do?"

"I made the comment that I had to go because she released enough stink to kill an elf," Kate replied.

"Ah," Martha said with a nod as she eyed her grandchild; "I'm glad you got that out of your system before I got home."

"Don't jinx yourself, Martha; we haven't had lunch yet…she could still bless you with a gift."

Martha shook her head at McKenzie. "Grammy prefers diamonds, darling."

McKenzie's hands pressed against her cheeks as she gave her a kiss. "You're feeling affectionate today?" Martha asked as she returned her kiss.

"That probably means you're going to get that special gift later," Kate quipped.

"We'll hope not," she laughed.

"Mother, you've finally graced us with your presence," Castle said as he entered the room and made his way toward the women of the loft.

"I know, I said I'd be home yesterday but Ben and I got caught up with holiday preparations," Martha replied; "But I'm here now, I missed my girl," she said kissing McKenzie's cheek.

"Rick thought McKenzie might not recognize you," Kate said lightly as she watched her daughter play with Martha's jewelry as she babbled at her grandmother. "Clearly he was wrong since she held her arms out to you instantly."

"That's right," Martha cooed. "You know your Grammy."

"Another day or two and she probably wouldn't," Castle said as he settled down in the chair. "I was starting to think of turning your room into a lounge."

"Oh, Richard, don't be ridiculous," his mother chastened. "I stay with Ben because it doesn't seem appropriate to bring him here…at least for anything more than dinner," she said, tossing a wink at Kate.

Kate laughed lightly as her husband cringed.

"We know," Castle remarked once he got the unwelcome image out of his head. "We just don't want McKenzie to forget that she has two grandmothers…and not just the dark haired one."

Martha carefully untangled the baby's hand from her earring. "The dark haired one keeps me apprised of how our girl is doing. I usually get a picture or two during the week."

"You do?" Kate asked.

"Yes; Johanna's been texting me cute pictures of McKenzie since she started watching her. I try to return the favor when I'm taking a turn with the babysitting. Friday she sent me an adorable one of Miss McKenzie all dressed up and ready to go see Santa," Martha said, her gaze on her granddaughter. "You looked so pretty," she cooed at her.

"Did she tell you she got very nice Santa pictures?" Kate inquired.

"Yes, dear; she sent me a picture of it in a text and said she had a copy put aside for me."

Kate smiled and nodded; good to know that someone hadn't had to beg for one.

"Are you staying tonight, Mother?" Castle asked.

"Yes; darling; I'm home for the night."

"Good," he replied. "I want to talk to you about Christmas."

'I want to discuss that too," his mother replied as McKenzie snuggled against her, her tiny hands toying with Martha's bracelet.

Kate had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that her husband wasn't going to like what his mother had to say.

"I'm making arrangements for all of us to go to Vermont for Christmas," Castle stated. "There's a beautiful lodge with everything from skiing to a spa. It's the lap of luxury," he said lightly.

Martha wrinkled her nose. "Richard, you know I don't ski."

"I know," he replied; "But the resort has shopping; there's the spa I mentioned, there are shows I'm sure you'd enjoy. You won't have a problem finding things you like and you can spend time with McKenzie."

Her brow rose. "Ah; you want me to babysit while you're all out on the slopes."

"I think of it as you and McKenzie having quality time together," Castle replied. "You hardly see her lately."

"That's not true," Martha replied. "I know I wasn't home much last week but I've still seen her and clearly she still knows who I am."

"But you can have time with her over Christmas too."

Martha sighed a little as McKenzie cooed at the stones on her bracelet; her tiny fingers stroking over them. "Richard; I'm not going to Vermont."

"Of course you are," he said; "I'm not going to let you be alone on Christmas. You're coming with us; you'll find plenty of things to enjoy."

Martha met his eye. "Darling," she said gently. "Ben invited me to go with him to Phoenix for Christmas and I accepted the invitation."

With the exception of McKenzie's soft babbles, silence filled the air between them as Kate glanced between her husband and mother-in-law.

A stunned expression stole across his features. "What?" Castle finally asked.

Martha smiled softly. "Ben asked me to go to Phoenix with him; he wants me to meet his daughters and grandchildren. He's asked me before and I've put him off…but I didn't want to do that this time. I accepted his invitation."

Betrayal flashed in his eyes. "How could you do that? It's McKenzie's first Christmas! How can you just run off to Arizona with some man on your granddaughter's first Christmas?!"

"I'm aware that it's her first Christmas," Martha replied; "But she's still very small and she's not going to remember who was there and who wasn't. It isn't just some man I'm going with; it's Ben…a man I have been in a relationship with for quite some time now."

"It doesn't matter if she remembers or not," Castle stated; "You're her grandmother!"

"I'm aware of that too," she said as McKenzie tried to drag the charm of her necklace into her mouth. "No, no, darling; that's yucky," she told her as she pulled the chain away from the baby's grasp and dropped it down inside her blouse.

"Then how can you choose your boyfriend over us?"

Martha sighed. "I don't think of it as choosing one over the other. I've had many, many Christmases with you, Richard; and I've cherished them all. I'm going to have many Chrsitmases with McKenzie; ones that she'll remember. I didn't see any harm in going this time. You have a wife and two children so I know you won't be alone…and things aren't like they were with Alexis. Meredith wasn't around much for holidays with Alexis, nor did she often see Meredith's family on the holidays…so I always made sure I was here. Alexis only had you and I. McKenzie has her mommy with her every day; you're with her every day…and she has two other grandparents who love and adore her. I figure I can go and that Johanna and Jim will be here to be a part of her Christmas."

Castle's brow rose. "You're not leaving because you think you'll somehow be stepping on their toes by being apart of her Christmas, are you?"

"No!" Martha exclaimed. "I'm going with Ben because I want to. Why would you even think such a thing?"

"Because you and Johanna have a history of not getting along."

"Johanna and I are doing fine," his mother stated. "We have no issues between us. I told you she sends me pictures when she has her. A few months ago when I was doing that show, she had sent me a picture of McKenzie and I replied to her text thanking her because I hadn't gotten to see her much that week. She invited me to come over on my break from rehearsal so I could see her…and I did. It went well."

"She never told me that," Kate remarked.

"She probably figured I would," Martha replied; "But we were all on different hours and I never got around to it. We don't have any issues; we respect each other's place in McKenzie's life…and she is the main topic of most of our conversations. We agreed before McKenzie was born that we would co-grandparent peacefully. It was awkward starting out but I think we're doing well."

"I'm glad to hear that," Kate said before her husband could speak. "Mom wanted to leave McKenzie's Grinch storybook here because she didn't get a chance to read it to her and she thought you might want to…your son accused her of implying you were the Grinch."

"Richard; that's ridiculous!" the redhead exclaimed. "Johanna has no reason to do such a thing. She knows I enjoy having some quiet time with McKenzie, reading her a story. I'll be more than happy to read my girl that story tonight."

"Mom took the book with her since it was becoming an issue," Kate told her.

"That's a shame," Martha said, pressing a kiss against McKenzie's hair. "We'll have to find something else to read, darling. Kate, if you wouldn't mind, I would like to give McKenzie her bath tonight and get her into her jammies…have some cuddles as she falls asleep."

Kate smiled. "That's fine, Martha; I'm sure she'll be happy to have Grammy put her to bed tonight."

"Thank you, dear."

"Can we get back to Christmas?" Castle asked; exasperation in his tone, feeling like his family Christmas was falling apart. "And you know how you're choosing a man over your granddaughter?"

"Richard," Martha sighed; "It isn't that way at all. I love all of you dearly…but I also love Ben and he wants me to meet his family and share Christmas with them. It's important to him and it's important to me. I'm not trying to hurt you. I just feel I'm able to go this time because I know you're not going to be alone; you have a family. I'll miss all of you, I can't deny that…but I want to share Christmas with Ben this year. I have gifts for all of you; I'll leave some with you for on Christmas morning but I'm going to hold a few back so I can see you open them when we're all home together. McKenzie will be fine and I'm sure Johanna will send me pictures that will make me feel like I'm here."

"That's going to be hard for her to do when she's in upstate New York," Castle said; his voice taunt with tension.

"Upstate New York?" Martha questioned. "She and Jim aren't big on skiing either, huh?"

"I don't know," he replied; "They weren't invited…why would you think they were?"

Martha laughed. "Well, darling; they are Kate's parents and McKenzie's grandparents…and with the way you're taking on about it being the baby's first Christmas, and saying that you made arrangements for all of us to go, I naturally assumed that you have invited them as well."

He shook his head. "No. This was for our family…and they don't even like Christmas…nor do they really celebrate it."

Martha cast a quick glance at Kate but saw that her daughter-in-law's eyes were fixated on McKenzie's foot. "Richard; I'm sure Johanna intended to spend some portion of Christmas with the baby; a woman who isn't going to make an effort for her granddaughter doesn't dress her up and take her to see Santa."

"She did that because we didn't give her one of our photos in a timely manner," he replied.

"Regardless of the reason, it does show intent to be involved and I know for a fact that she's been shopping for her. I ran into her at the toy store while I was doing my own shopping."

"We're going to Vermont," Castle said; "We want McKenzie to have snow for Christmas; Kate's off work for two weeks so we can also have a little vacation there. Jim and Johanna don't do Christmas…at least not the way people are meant to do it so inviting them never crossed my mind as something we should do. We want McKenzie's Christmas to be happy…and Johanna isn't exactly an overly happy person from December to February. That's why they always go away for Christmas."

Martha eyed her son. "I talked to Johanna the other day; she didn't mention leaving town."

"We didn't have this plan of Vermont until Friday," Kate said quietly. "I told her when I picked the baby up that evening…that's why they left yesterday and went to their cabin. They did plan to stay in the city this year…but with us not being here they decided to go on the cabin."

"I see," Martha said; sensing that Kate wasn't as comfortable with the situation as she hoped to make everyone believe. "How did she take the news?"

Kate smiled a little. "Not too well…my Dad didn't think much of it either."

"I bet," the actress replied. "Well, since I won't be going; why don't you call your parents and invite them in my place?"

She shook her head. "When she stopped by yesterday to drop off one of McKenzie's gifts, I told her they could come if they wanted and she declined."

Martha gave a short laugh. "Let me guess, she was on her way out the door and you felt guilty and tossed it out there."

Kate squirmed. "I guess you could say that."

"Then I'm not surprised she said no."

"Mother," Castle said; drawing her attention back to him. "Can't you go with Ben some other time? I mean there isn't even snow in Phoenix…it's not even cold there."

"I know, darling; that's part of what appeals to me about going," Martha stated. "As much as I hate to admit it, Richard; I'm getting older…and if I can get out of the cold for a few days, I'm taking the opportunity. I thought you liked Ben."

"I do…but it's Christmas; you belong with us!"

"I promise to call on Christmas," Martha told him.

"That's not the same as being there," he remarked.

"I know…but it'll be fine, kiddo. You'll see; you'll still have a nice Christmas."

"What about our traditions?"

"There's always next year."

"Mother…."

"Richard; I'm going," she said, meeting his eye, her tone firm. "I know you don't like it…I know you'll probably be angry with me; but I want to do this for Ben. I want to meet his kids and grandchildren…after all, he has met mine. I hope you both can understand."

"I understand, Martha," Kate told her, reaching for her hand and giving it a squeeze. "We'll miss you but I hope you have a wonderful time with Ben in Arizona."

"Thank you, dear," she remarked; returning the squeeze of Kate's fingers. "I'm going to spend as much time with McKenzie as I can before I go. It's not a decision I made lightly."

Castle scoffed. "Sure it isn't."

"It wasn't. I know you're angry right now but I hope you'll understand in a day or two."

"I don't…I don't understand," he said as he got up from his chair. "We've always had Christmas together and now, on your granddaughter's first Christmas, you just want to run off with Ben; well fine, Mother; if that's what you want; but do me a favor and don't run off to Vegas for wedding number four while you're out there."

"I have no intention of getting married, Richard. I'm not going to Phoenix for the sole purpose of hurting you."

"No, you're going to spend Christmas with someone else's family instead of your own but it's fine. Have fun in that nice warm weather that makes it seem like June instead of December," he stated as he headed for his office and shut the door.

"Oh dear, I didn't think he'd take it this badly," Martha said as she adjusted her hold on McKenzie; hugging her close.

"He'll be alright, Martha," Kate replied; "I'll give him a little while and then I'll go talk to him while you entertain McKenzie."

"I really didn't think he'd take it so badly," her mother-in-law remarked.

"He's been in a mood for some reason…he just won't tell me what it's about yet. It'll be fine though. I really do hope you'll enjoy your time with Ben and his family."

Martha smiled. "Thank you, dear…and for letting me take McKenzie's bedtime routine tonight."

"You're welcome; I know you'll both enjoy it," Kate said as she kissed McKenzie's cheek. "I'm going to see what we're going to have for lunch while she's content with you."

"Go on, dear; we're fine," Martha said as Kate rose from the sofa and headed for the kitchen. She sighed deeply as she hugged her granddaughter. "Well kiddo, it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. Let's hope your daddy feels better about things tomorrow." She wasn't going to change her mind about going away with Ben…but she hoped she didn't have to go away with the feeling that her son was still angry with her for making that decision.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! Merry Belated Christmas!_

Chapter 8

That afternoon, after lunch had been made and eaten without her husband's presence at the table; Kate picked up the baby monitor from the counter and sighed a little. Martha was upstairs in her room; she would hear McKenzie if she got up from her nap but she carried the monitor with her anyway as she headed toward her husband's office. The door was still closed but she pushed it open and slipped inside, picking up on the sound of his fingers tapping furiously against his keyboard as he pounded out a chapter for one of his books. "Hey," she said quietly; "Do you have a minute?"

"I want to get this done, Kate; it's my third chapter of the day…I don't really want to break the streak now," Castle answered.

"What's wrong, Rick?" she asked as she sat down in the chair across from his desk; undeterred by his comment that he wanted to keep writing.

"Not a thing; I'm making excellent progress with this book today."

"You know that's not what I'm talking about," she replied. "You've been in a mood for days."

"I just want us to have a nice family Christmas," he stated. "Mother apparently doesn't want to be a part of it so we'll carry on without her. It's not the first time a man has come first in her life."

"She's not trying to hurt you," Kate told him. "She just wants to spend Christmas with Ben this year; what's so wrong with that? He's a nice man and they have been together for a few years now…it's probably past time for her to meet his family."

"Okay, maybe that's true but why does it have to be on Christmas?" he asked. "She should be with us on Christmas; not Ben and a bunch of strangers she doesn't even know. It's McKenzie's first Christmas; you would think that would matter more to her."

"Martha loves McKenzie," she replied; "And I'm sure the fact that it is her first Christmas does matter to her…she's bought her gifts and she's going to spend time with her before she leaves…but you can't just hang McKenzie over her head to try and make her feel bad for wanting something else this year."

"We always spend Christmas together, Kate," he said sharply. "Every year we've been together for Christmas…now all of a sudden she wants to run off…and to Phoenix at that! Phoenix doesn't even have true December weather."

"Things change, Castle. Did you listen to what she said? She feels comfortable going this year because she knows you won't be alone because you have me and the baby and Alexis. She knows you're taken care of and so she can have this for herself. Don't you want her to be happy?"

"Of course I do…but I still think she belongs with us on Christmas; just because I have you and McKenzie doesn't mean she should just check out of the important things in our lives."

"And being your mother doesn't mean that you have to be the _only_ important thing in _her_ life," she remarked. "Martha is allowed to have a life outside of us, Rick."

"I know that," he snapped; "And she does have one; that's why she's hardly around anymore. Any day now she'll be bringing Ben home and introducing him as my new daddy."

Kate laughed. "You're being ridiculous! Martha isn't getting married; she's just spending Christmas with her boyfriend, that's all."

"You don't know her like I do; she's going to make this one number four, I can feel it in my bones. By this time next year, she'll probably be married or at the very least, living with him full time and we'll never see her. McKenzie will think her only grandmother is your mother…because my mother seems to think that because McKenzie has other involved grandparents that she doesn't need to be around like she was for Alexis…so McKenzie will grow up thinking primarily of your parents."

"She will not! Martha would never just walk away from McKenzie. What has gotten into you lately? You're so mad about your mother not being with us at Christmas but you don't care that I don't see my parents on holidays."

"That's different."

"How do you figure?"

"It's quite simple, Kate; my mother didn't have to fake her death and leave her family, therefore ruining their holidays forever," Castle stated. "That was your mother…so I've never blamed you for not wanting to spend holidays with her because if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't want to spend holidays with her either…especially with her depressing mood this time of year…and I think some of it she puts on in hopes of guilting you into moving in for the week of Christmas or something. My family has traditions, as you know, because you've been made a part of them for the last few years. We have a normal family Christmas and I want to continue to do that for McKenzie's sake."

"That's a low road to take, Rick," Kate replied. "My mother doesn't put on her pain, it's real…and no, I don't like seeing it because it's a reminder of what happened…but she can't just turn it on and off on a whim. My family had traditions too…we had normal family Christmases…wonderful Christmases. So don't act like you have something better than we do…ours might be in the past but they still meant a lot to us. Like I said; things change…and you might have to face the fact that life is changing. You're not the only man in Martha's life anymore but guess what; she's capable of loving you both. She deserves to have a happy Christmas with the man she loves and you need to stop acting like a ten year old who is suddenly mad that his mother wants to spend time with someone else. I'm sure Martha is going to spend many Christmases in the future with us; and maybe she'll want to bring Ben with her."

"You think I should tell her to invite Ben to go skiing with us for Christmas this year?" he asked.

"No! I'm saying that your concept of what this holiday should look like may need to evolve to include him one day. I don't think Ben is going to give up Christmas with his family for a last minute ski trip."

"But it's okay for my mother to give up Christmas with us to go with him to Phoenix?"

Kate sighed deeply. "Yeah; it is…because Martha made that choice for herself. You need to tell her that there aren't any hard feelings and that you hope she has a nice time."

Castle scoffed. "I can't help wanting my family to be together for Christmas, Kate. I feel like our family Christmases are dwindling so I'd like to at least get in one more before they abandon us completely."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look around you!" he exclaimed. "Mother and Alexis are hardly ever around anymore and now Mother is running off with her boyfriend for Christmas…the most important family holiday of the year. My family Christmases are evaporating."

"Martha and Alexis aren't the only people in your family, Rick; you do have a wife and an infant daughter…what the hell are we?"

"You know what I mean," he sighed.

"Maybe I don't."

"Kate," he huffed; "I know you and McKenzie are my family…but the family is supposed to grow, not dwindle."

"Oh, so you got me and McKenzie and that means to you that you're losing the other portion of your family?"

"You're making it sound like something I don't mean," he remarked.

"It's kind of hard to take it any other way at the moment, Rick."

He sighed once more. "Listen; I just wanted Christmas to be me, you, McKenzie, Alexis and Mother…our family. I want us all to be together and now Mother has thrown a wrench in that all for Ben the baker man."

"You don't mind Ben the baker man when he's sending her home with free doughnuts," Kate replied.

"I will now…now that I know he was sending them to lure my mother away for the holidays."

Kate laughed. "You really are being ridiculous. You know I could get this if this was the first time in your life that you had see your mother with a boyfriend…but she's been married three times and had other boyfriends all in the span of your lifetime so…come on; you need to let this go. She's allowed to have Christmas away from us."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it," he said with a frown.

"What else is bothering you?"

"I told you; no one is ever around anymore."

She sighed. "Martha and Alexis still love you as much as they ever did; just because they have lives away from you doesn't mean that anything has changed in regard to their feelings. I'm sure Alexis will be with us for Christmas."

"I just wish Mother would reconsider and come to Vermont with us," he stated; ignoring the comment she had made.

"You know, we don't have to go to Vermont," Kate replied; "We could just stay here…or…we can take McKenzie and Alexis and go to my parents. I talked to Mom this morning and she said we could if our plans fell through."

He looked at her questioningly. "Are you hoping they fall through?"

"No; I'm just saying we have other options if they do."

Castle shook his head. "I'm not going to your parents cabin in the middle of nowhere. Alexis and I wouldn't be comfortable there."

"There's a town nearby; don't act like they're a hundred miles from civilization. I don't know why it would be uncomfortable; there are plenty of rooms. We call it a cabin but in reality it's a large country home."

"Then why call it a cabin?"

"Because the original house, which is still on the property, is a cabin. It belonged to my great grandparents. When my grandparents took it over; the cabin was too small and Grandma didn't like it so Grandpa and his father and brother built the house we still use now. It's a beautiful house with a lot of rooms. My parents have the master bedroom and it's downstairs; the four of us would be upstairs."

He shook his head. "We already made plans for Vermont."

"But if they fall through, we could go to the cabin."

"Kate, I don't want to stay with your parents!" he exclaimed.

"Why not! My mother has stayed here before."

"That was a long time ago and under different circumstances…like the fact that she didn't have a choice but to go where you said. It's totally different."

"Yeah; it always is when it comes to you," she retorted. "What's wrong with staying with my parents?"

"You know how your mother is," he muttered; his fingers resuming the scene he was working on. "Everything has to be her way."

"Yeah; in her house things are done her way…just like in this home things are done our way."

"Her way and my way don't mesh," Castle stated. "I don't want to stay there; they're not all that crazy about me."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I can't imagine why that might be. You know you were doing better with them but now you're being an ass again…like when my mom was here yesterday and I don't understand why."

"She had no business buying you a gift from McKenzie!" he exclaimed; "That's my job! But she has to do it all; and every other word out of your mouth about anything is 'my mother, my mother, my mother' and when she walks in a room, that's who McKenzie wants. I get tired of it. Mother is running off with her boyfriend, Alexis is never around and you just want to be with your mother non-stop ever since McKenzie was born so what the hell does that leave me, Kate?"

"That's not true! I'm with you all the time; yes, I like having her advice on things about the baby…and yeah, we talk about her because she watches our child. Of course McKenzie wants her when she sees her; they have a bond…just like she wanted Martha as soon as she stepped into her line of vision because they have a bond too. I'm not any different than any other woman in the world when it comes to her mother, Rick; we all want our moms around. I didn't get to have mine for a very long time…and then I spent additional time being an angry bitch and hurting her every time I turned around and now that we're in a better place, yeah, I want to keep our bond strong…and I'm not going to apologize for that. You're not the only person in my world, Castle; you're not the only person in McKenzie's world, Martha's or Alexis's…we all love you with all of our hearts but you can't just keep us all to yourself. Do you ever hear how you're acting?"

"Yeah; I hear it…but you don't. I'm losing my family and you don't care."

"You're not losing anyone!" she exclaimed; "We're all still here…in my opinion; you're acting like McKenzie and I aren't enough for you when it comes to the holidays and you make it clear you want my parents completely cut off for Christmas because you have it in your head that your way of Christmas is the only way…well it's not. Life and families change…and sometimes traditions and holidays have to evolve with those changes."

"Well maybe I'm not ready," he retorted; "That's why I wanted one more family Christmas; especially with it being McKenzie's first…because the rate things are going, it would be the only one she had but her grandmother already bailed."

Kate sighed deeply. "Castle; you're not losing your family…Martha is finally in a good, loving relationship…one that she deserved to find long ago and she has a right to want to spend Christmas with Ben. She loves us, she loves her grandchildren…but her world has expanded to include Ben. Alexis is a grown woman, she's a college student who is very involved with things on campus and yes, she has a boyfriend…and I know you don't care for him but Alexis loves him and she wants to spend her time with him. You're not the only man in her life anymore either…I know it's hard, but you're going to have to get used to it, babe; because it's the way it's supposed to be. You can be the man of McKenzie's life for a while."

"Unless I'm in a room with your father and then her grandfather is the man of her life."

"Oh my God," she said; "Really? You're jealous of everyone, aren't you?"

"I'm not jealous; I'd just like things to be the way they were," Castle replied.

"Well they're not the way they were anymore and you have to accept that; the family isn't shrinking…it's growing. Martha has Ben in her life; Alexis has a boyfriend…I have parents…whether you like it or not; plus I have aunts, uncles and a collection of cousins. The world hasn't gotten smaller; it's gotten bigger…most of all because we have McKenzie…and one day, when she's a little older, hopefully she'll have a little brother or sister to make our family even bigger."

"We don't have to wait," he said.

"Yeah, we do," Kate replied; "I do hope to have another baby…but not until McKenzie is about three."

"Three!?"

"Yes! I'm not ready for another pregnancy yet, Castle; and besides; she's my first baby and I want to enjoy every moment with her as she goes through these first few years of her life…I don't want to miss something because I have two babies in diapers at the same time. She's only seven months old; she doesn't need a younger sibling right now."

"I guess that's true," he admitted.

"It is…so see, I'm open to the family growing even more…and you need to try to be more open to the additional people who are already here. You need to tell your mother that she has your blessing…you need to keep in mind that Vermont could fall through…and that my family doesn't have the plague and spending a few days with them wouldn't be the horrible thing you imagine."

"I'm pretty sure it would be…that's why we're not going."

"I didn't know you got to make all the decisions around here, Castle."

"I don't…but that one I'm pretty firm about. I do not want to stay with your parents…so I'm praying really hard that Sheila comes through for me with Vermont."

Kate frowned; a part of her wishing that they could go to the cabin and have Christmas with her parents. Maybe it would be the one way she could break those stupid rules she had imposed that first Christmas. She was starting to regret agreeing to Vermont…especially now that Martha wasn't coming along. They had been counting on Martha keeping the baby so they could slip off to the slopes for a few hours but that wasn't going to happen now that they didn't have a sitter…because she didn't imagine that Alexis would want to give up her time on the slopes to babysit her sister and she didn't blame her for it…and she was about to leave McKenzie with strangers at some resort daycare…so what was the point in going?

"Would it really be so bad to have Christmas with my parents?" she asked.

"I don't want their kind of Christmas, Kate; and you said you didn't either. We want a happy Christmas; not a depressing one."

Kate rose from the chair. "I have to tell you, Castle; the mood you're in this week, I don't think it's going to matter where we end up…I don't think it's going to be all that happy…and it's going to be because of you and the stupid things you've been sitting around convincing yourself of that aren't true. So maybe you should think about that."

Castle breathed deeply; that pool of frustration deep within him growing instead of dwindling. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, Kate. I promise I'll be in a better mood for Christmas. I'm sure once we're out of the city we're all going to feel better. It'll be good to get away for a little while, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess so," she replied; not wanting to start another argument. "I'm going to let you get back to your chapter and I'm going to go check on the baby."

Castle watched her slip out the door, closing it behind her softly. He knew he was being somewhat irrational but he couldn't help it…nor could he find his usual amount of Christmas spirit. It was hard to be joyous when you could feel your family slipping through your fingers.

* * *

As they worked their way around a department store, Jim noted that his usually happy to shop wife seemed a bit hesitant as they moved nearer to the aisles of Christmas decorations. He wasn't going to let her back out of it though…not that she had asked…but still; they were going to do this. It was time.

"What do you want to look at first?" he asked. "Ornaments? Wreaths? Things to set around the house?"

"I don't know," Johanna said, her hands gripping the handle of the cart. She was so used to avoiding the aisles of Christmas décor that she wasn't sure where to begin.

"Maybe we should start small," her husband suggested. "How about we look for something for on the door first?"

"Alright," she replied, steering the cart toward the aisle full of wreaths and other décor for doors. She moved down the aisle slowly; taking in all the selections, from the poofy, sparkling variety made of mesh to the primitive looking wreaths that made her wrinkle her nose in distaste. There was decorations shaped like snowflakes, Christmas balls and candy canes…but none of it seemed to be what she was looking for.

"See anything you like yet?" Jim asked.

"No, not really," she admitted; making her way to the end of the aisle.

"Well we have other stores to visit if we don't find everything you want here," he told her.

"I know," she replied, pausing at the end cap of the aisle, her eye caught by a simple wreath of red and white poinsettias. She reached for it, taking it down from the metal arm it hung on. This was more of what she had in mind she thought to herself as she examined it; it was pretty and understated…and she thought it would look nice on the front door of the cabin. She glanced up at her husband, searching his face for any hint of how he felt about the item but he merely smiled at her.

"Do you like that one?" he asked.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, I do…what do you think of it?"

"It's nice," Jim replied, touching the velvety petal of the artificial flowers that made up the wreath. "It's you."

"It's me?" she asked.

"Yeah; it's not over the top like some of the things hanging here. It's simple and pretty and doesn't need a lot of glitter to be that way. Get it if you like it."

She gave him a small smile and put the wreath in the cart. "Do you think we should get one for the back door?"

Jim nodded. "I think so."

She took down another wreath and put it in the cart as well. "I guess the door is done now," she remarked.

"Yes…but there are other things that need decorated."

Johanna breathed deeply. "I didn't know where to start…and even though we started, I don't know what to look for next."

"We'll just go up and down the aisles and see what catches your eye," Jim remarked, his hand at the small of her back, nudging her to the next aisle.

"You wouldn't think it would be this hard," she murmured to him. "I buy things all the time."

"This is different though…these are things you wouldn't let yourself buy for a long time. I know it isn't easy…but just relax and let yourself want it," he told her.

She would do her best, Johanna thought to herself as she allowed Jim to nudge her forward. She felt the warmth of his hand at the small of her back and she took a soft breath, telling herself to relax as she moved along the aisle. Slowly she started to collect things like Christmas themed dish towels and pretty lace scarves for the stands that had red poinsettias embroidered on them. She collected a snowman that lit up to set on the piano…a Santa Claus that held a tealight candle for on another stand. She chose other small items to set around, feeling Jim's hand rub against her back with each item she put in the cart as if he was silently praising her for each thing she chose.

It was silly in some ways, to need that kind of support to buy things as simple as Christmas decorations, Johanna thought to herself…but she did need it…and she appreciated the soft pressure of his hand at her back; the comforting movement of his fingertips that offered that praise and encouragement. She finally came upon the aisle full of ornaments and she slowly moved along it, just looking at first and then making a second pass to begin selecting small things that had caught her eye. She grabbed a fuzzy little snowman, a retro looking Santa Claus ornament that reminded her of some her mother had long ago. She picked up a pack of pretty glass Christmas balls that were decorated with holiday scenes. Jim drifted up the aisle a small piece but she remained where she was, examining the selection until she spotted a pretty ballerina and she reached for it.

"Look what I found," Jim said, returning to her side, holding out a small ornament.

Johanna smiled at the sight of the little grey and white calico kitten with a Santa hat on its head. "That's perfect for Scarlett," she said softly.

"I had to go through every cat ornament on the rack down there to find it," Jim declared.

She pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "You did a good job, honey," she told him, placing the cat ornament in the cart.

"I hope Scarlett appreciates it," he quipped.

"I'm sure she will."

"What have you found?" he asked her.

"I like this ballerina," she said, showing him the elegant dancer clad in a white tutu.

"Get it," Jim said; "Then the one Frank gave you will have a friend."

"Two ballerinas would be pretty, wouldn't they?"

He nodded and reached for one that was wearing a blue tutu. "Three would be even better," he said, handing it to her. "The one from Frank is at the center of the tree…you could put that white on one side and this blue one on the other…have a little trio of dancers across that section of the tree."

Her eyes lit up at the idea. "That would be pretty…the blue one will be from you."

He gave her a smile as he placed the ballerina in the cart. "That sounds good. I think our tree is going to very pretty with our cherished ornaments and some new."

"And some of Elizabeth's," she stated; "I still want to use some of Liz's things…maybe we can pick out our favorite things of your mother's that way there's room for some of hers, some of ours and some new."

Jim gave her a nod. "I think that's a very good idea."

They moved further down the aisle and paused at another display of ornaments. Jim spotted a little elephant with pink spots; and in the largest spot was written 'Baby's First Christmas'. He picked up the flat box containing the ornament and handed it to his wife. "Just because we won't be with McKenzie on Christmas doesn't mean we can't represent her on our tree," he stated.

"That's true," Johanna said softly; lifting the ornament to see the smooth back of it. "I can write her name and the date on the back," she remarked before placing the ornament in the cart and giving her attention back to the display. She picked up an ornament of two snow birds happily cuddled together on a branch that bore the words 'You're still the one' and she smiled, turning it for her husband to see. "For us," she said as she met his gaze. "I know we have our heart…but we could have this too."

He kissed her softly. "I like it…the heart is from the beginning of our marriage and this can be for this stage of our lives."

Johanna placed it in the cart and looked at the next display showcasing small ornaments with names on them. She searched through them, finding a penguin with a pink hat and the name Katie written on its scarf. She smiled; her daughter would probably roll her eyes at it but she didn't need to worry about her seeing it she figured and she laid it in the cart under Jim's watchful gaze. "I figure it's probably time for Katie to have something new on our tree too," she explained.

"I agree," he said; searching through the names until he found 'McKenzie'. I know we already got the baby an ornament but since her name is here and it matches her mommy's, we should get it too. I'm going to find your name next."

Johanna laughed. "Good luck with that, no one ever has my name on anything; but I see yours," she said, plucking the penguin from the rack, his red scarf bearing the name 'James'.

"I've been challenged now," he said as he began his search.

"Don't forget it has to be spelled right…don't go thinking I won't notice if the 'h' is missing because I always notice."

"I know, sweetheart," he said with a grin as he continued to sort through ornaments in the J section.

"You're not going to find it," she remarked after he finished searching one row and moved to the next.

"Would you care to make a wager?"

"What kind?" she asked.

"If I find your name; you have to not only bake peanut butter cookies; you have to bake sugar cookies too," he stated.

Her brow rose. "And if I win?"

"I'll be your love slave."

She smirked at him. "That kind of sounds like more winning for you."

He shrugged; a teasing gleam in his eyes. "I'm just lucky like that."

"Uh huh; if I win; you have to wash the dishes after Christmas dinner."

"Fine, if you insist on giving punishments that aren't fun."

"Oh I do," she said with a nod.

"It's too bad you won't be seeing it through," he stated as he took a penguin from the rack and handed it to her. "Make sure you pick up some Christmas cookie cutters, sweetheart; you've got some baking to do. And please notice that the name on that penguin is spelled correctly, J-O-H-A-N-N-A."

She eyed him with suspicion after checking the name on the penguin and putting it in the cart. "You saw it before you made the bet, didn't you?"

Jim smiled. "You can't prove anything one way or another."

"You cheated!" she exclaimed; "Just like that coin toss!"

"Still can't prove it," he quipped. "Let's go find cookie cutters."

"I don't know what I'm going to do with you, Jim Beckett," she stated as she pushed the cart along.

"Now, sweetheart; you know that's not true. You always come up with plenty of ideas and I'm always receptive," he said suggestively.

She smirked at him. "Don't make me run you down with this cart."

"You wouldn't do that," he quipped; his arm slipping around her. "That would get you on the naughty list and you can't risk that…because I know you're getting really good presents this year."

"Cheating in coin tosses and bets with your wife might get you on the naughty list…which would really be a shame because I know what you're getting and you wouldn't want to lose those gifts."

Jim brushed a kiss against her temple. "I'm not worried; Santa understands when men are led astray by their wives."

"Uh huh," she said; "Well we wives have an in with Mrs. Claus; so I'm not worried a bit either."

He patted her hip. "Well then, I guess we can be as bad as we want…we'll get started on that later."

"You just always come out a winner, don't you?" she laughed.

He laughed with her. "I told you; I'm just lucky like that."

She pressed a kiss to his cheek and he patted her hip once more, feeling the difference in her now that she had relaxed. They were going to do fine, he was sure of it.

* * *

"What's that?" Johanna asked as she moved to her husband's side as he examined a large set of tools near the aisles they had been shopping in.

"They're tools," he replied; "This is a very nice set…good price too."

"It does look like there are a lot of things in there; I don't know what half of them are," she commented. He launched into an explanation about the various size and gauges of the tools included and she smiled up at him indulgently. "They're man toys, right," she teased.

He grinned at her. "Right."

"And what would you use these tools for if you had them?" she asked.

"Oh they'd be nice for any project," Jim remarked as he sat the box down; "Some of those things would be especially nice for working on cars."

"Ah, the other man toy."

"Right," he laughed.

She knew a hint when she heard one…just like when he had been hinting for that other car gadget that she had no idea what it was but she had bought it and wrapped it and it was waiting for him. "Honey; will you do something for me?"

"Sure, sweetheart; name it."

"That aisle on the other side of these shelves facing us has candle warmers in it…would you run over there and grab me two? I don't want to forget them and I want to finish looking here at these Christmas things," she said, gesturing to an end cap near the tool set.

Jim nodded. "Yeah; I'll run over there and get them; I'll be right back."

"Thank you," she said as he moved away. When he turned the corner, she picked up the tool set and put it in her cart, doing her best to conceal it with the other things she had loaded in it. "Merry Christmas to Jim," she stated.

"Husbands are so subtle about tools they want, aren't they?" a woman asked with a laugh as she stood on the other side of the display.

"Very," Johanna laughed. "What's on that side that might appeal to subtle husbands?"

"Tool boxes," she replied. "I already bought that tool set for my husband…we were in here last night and he noticed the tool boxes…I figure he'll need one to put the new tools in because there won't be room in the others…and he commented about how nice they are."

Johanna nodded and rounded the display. "Sounds like a good theory, I guess I better grab one too…and go find some wrapping paper. I thought I was done my gift shopping; I guess I was wrong."

"I know the feeling," her fellow shopper commiserated. "They have wrapping paper up near the cash registers."

"Thanks, I'll be sure to look there."

"No problem," the woman replied as she too put a tool box in her cart. "Have a nice Christmas."

"You too."

Johanna hurried to shuffle things around in the cart; hoping to conceal the items she had added from Jim's view. She had just finished when she caught sight of him heading back toward her. "Are there the right ones?" he asked, showing her the candle warmers.

"They are," she said; putting them in the cart. "Thank you. While we're out and about I'd like to go to Bath and Body Works; I got an email, candles are on sale."

"Alright," he replied; knowing his wife's love for scented candles and handsoaps…and whatever else she found in that haven for women.

"Look at these," she said pushing the cart along as she showed him one of the boxes she had laying on top of her cart full of items. Inside the boxes were three thick candles decorated for Christmas. "They're those battery operated flameless candles," she told him. "I think they're pretty…I got two sets."

He smiled, glad that she had relaxed and seemed to be enjoying herself. "They are; you get as many as you want."

"Two sets will be enough. I still haven't found anything for on the mantle yet…I might have to look in the other stores."

"That's not a problem," Jim replied as they moved along. "I told you we'd go to as many stores as you wanted.

"I know…but I know how I am when I'm shopping…I tend to take awhile and I don't want you to get bored."

"I'm never bored when I'm with you," he told her as they headed toward the front of the store.

She smiled. "That's mutual."

He brushed a kiss against her temple as she spotted the box containing rolls of wrapping paper and headed toward it. "What are you doing?" he asked as she picked two rolls of paper and put them in the cart.

"I'm concealing gifts from you in this cart," she told him. "I need wrapping paper to wrap them…and I'm going to need you not to be standing there when those gifts are being rung up."

"What did you get me?" he asked with a teasing grin.

"You'll find out on Christmas; grab me some batteries for my candles, please; they need double A's."

Jim headed to the display of batteries and selected a few packs; picking up a few other sizes just in case something would be purchased that would need them. He headed back to her as she got in line and laid the packs of batteries in the cart. "You want me to unload the cart?" he asked.

She smirked at him knowingly as she grabbed a few magazines from the rack. "No, I don't; you're not getting a sneak peek of the extra items I picked up. When it's my turn, you can go somewhere up near the door and wait on me."

"That's not fair," he replied; "I thought we were all about togetherness for this trip."

"We are, honey; but alls fair in love and Christmas gifts."

"Such a stickler for the rules," he remarked.

"That's right," she said with a wink; "Don't you forget it."

"Alright," he laughed. "Do you have your credit card?"

"I never leave home without it," Johanna replied.

Jim nodded. "Then I'll wait for you by the door so you can keep your secrets."

"Thank you," she said, rubbing his arm. "I'm sure you'll be rewarded for your cooperation."

"That sounds promising," Jim remarked as she began to pull items from the cart. "I'll be waiting for you, sweetheart."

She gave him a nod and a smile; sending him on his way so he wouldn't see the tool set and the tool box.

* * *

At their next stop, Johanna found a nice centerpiece of lighted garland and pretty red votive cups for on the mantle; along with a pretty frame for McKenzie's picture. She found strands of battery operated lights and cute solar powered characters to sit on the kitchen window sill. She didn't know if she'd be able to use everything she had picked up but she found that she couldn't resist…and Jim kept encouraging her to buy things she liked. Johanna felt that she had collected enough decorations though and she began to wander through the store, wondering where her husband had gotten to. Something had caught his eye and he told her he'd catch up with her but he had yet to return to her side.

She moved through the store, feeling relaxed…and oddly enough, somewhat at ease with the idea that she'd be going home and decorating the house. Maybe it wouldn't so bad this year…they'd miss the baby and Katie but they could be happy just the two of them. As she continued looking around, she came across an encyclopedia of classic cars and she just couldn't resist buying it for Jim. He would love it, she mused as she buried it in the cart. She then spotted a thick hardback book of five minute bedtime stories featuring Disney Princesses that she couldn't resist putting in the cart for McKenzie. She moved along, spotting an outfit for the baby she couldn't say no to…a few things for herself and a t-shirt for Jim that had one of his favorite baseball team's logo on it.

"There you are," Jim said as she drifted into an aisle he was walking up.

She smiled; seeing a box tucked under his arm. "What do you have?"

"This," he said with a grin, turning the box to show her that it was an inflatable light up Snoopy in a Santa suit. "I saw this and knew you needed it for out in the yard."

"We're going to decorate outside?" she asked; "That was always your domain."

Jim nodded. "I'll put this up for you…do you like it?"

"I love it," Johanna admitted.

"Then we'll have it," he said with a grin, putting the box in the cart. "What all have you collected in my absence?"

"Oh just a few things; a couple things for the baby; some more secrets from you."

"I got a secret too," he replied. "I already took it to the car."

"So that's what took you so long," she laughed.

He nodded. "I'm slick like that."

"Apparently so…oh, look," she said, stopping at a display of baby toys and picking up the Fisher Price Chatter Phone. "Katie had one of these!"

"I remember," Jim said as she looked over the item. "I have a feeling McKenzie is going to have one too."

"She is," Johanna replied as she sat it in the cart. "It's cute and her mommy had one so she should too."

"Of course," he teased; "It's only fair."

"Oh hush," she said, giving him a playful nudge. "You're just as bad as I am when it comes to buying her things…last week you brought her home another rubber ducky for her collection at our house."

"I had to," he declared; "It's wearing a tiara and she didn't have a princess ducky."

"See, you're just as bad as I am."

"Guilty as charged," Jim laughed, slipping an arm around her waist. "She's our only one so far so we have to spoil her as much as we can get away with."

"That's true," she agreed.

"Are you finished in this store?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm…" Johanna trailed off an item on the shelf catching her eye and making her smile. "Look; Mom had those!"

Jim followed her gaze; seeing the boxes of ceramic trees with their multi colored peg lights and he couldn't help but smile as well. "My mother had one of those too when we were kids; she kept it in the dining room so there would be some decoration in there. Grandma Lilly had them too."

"Mom had one for each bedroom," Johanna told him. "They're pretty…I hadn't thought about those is a long time; I guess they're coming back into fashion."

He saw a hint of longing on her face and he rubbed his hand against the small of her back. "We could get one…we could put it on the mantle of our fireplace in the bedroom."

"That would be pretty," she mused.

"Then let's get one; do you want a green one or a white one?"

Johanna pondered it for a moment. "Let's get the green one…the box says they're battery operated so we better get batteries for it. Decorating is costing us," she said lightly.

"That's alright, sweetheart; I consider it a worthy cause…and we're due for some new Christmas decorations," he replied; pulling the box off the shelf for her and putting it in the cart.

"We better get out of here before I find anything else," she laughed; "With the exception of the batteries."

"Good idea," he laughed; "I guess you want to go to your girly bath store next."

"Yes, I do," she said as she headed to the display of batteries. "I'll try not to keep you in there too long."

"It's alright; today I don't mind," he replied; and it was the truth. Now that she was relaxed and enjoying herself, he'd be happy to follow her into any store she wanted to go to just for the sake of seeing her smile.

* * *

Later that day as they sat at one of their favorite local restaurants having dinner, Jim smiled a little as he watched Johanna scoop up a bite of the cake she had ordered for dessert. He was so proud of her for pushing through her hesitations about decorating. She hadn't once tried to get out of buying decorations. She had been a bit uneasy at first but he understood that; of course it was going to be a little awkward for her at first when she was so used to denying herself the joy of shopping for new decorations. She had pushed through it though…had gone aisle by aisle in each store, selecting the things she wanted…the trunk of the car was a testament to that but he didn't mind. He was just happy that she had relaxed relatively easily and gave in to what she wanted. They had fun shopping for things…and she had smacked his hands away from some bags in the name of Christmas secrets.

He had some secrets of his own from their shopping spree; one she'd get that evening…the next night at the latest; but others were extra Christmas gifts he hadn't been able to resist buying her…like the amethyst butterfly pin he thought would look nice on her black dress coat and the pretty green sweater that would match her eyes…a book he had seen her fight the urge to buy. He had quickly gathered up those items and paid for them while she had been browsing in a different section of the store. He had also followed her around Bath and Body Works; discreetly picking up lotions, soaps, hand creams and candles that he noted she liked, dumping them into the bag an indulgent salesgirl followed him around with. He couldn't avoid letting her know that he had purchases to pay for…but he had shooed her out the door while he did so and she had gone after only a little needling to tell her what he had chosen for her. Somehow they had made, secret spontaneous gift shopping work…and he hadn't said a word when she picked up that cherry scented gift set at Bath and Body Works and bought it. He knew it wasn't for her…he knew it had to be for Katie and he was curious about how she'd go about giving it to her when they got back to the city seeing as how they had those dumb rules between them. Hopefully she was going to break the rules though…and hopefully Katie would let her.

"You're awful quiet all of a sudden," Johanna said, breaking into his thoughts. "Something on your mind?"

"You as always," he said with a smile. "Am I on your mind?"

"All the time," she grinned before turning serious. "Is something wrong though?" she asked; her husband had spent a good portion of the meal making her laugh at his stories…reminiscing with her over holiday memories they hadn't discussed in years.

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I was just thinking about how we've had a nice time today."

A smile crossed her lips. "We have…and I'm glad you suggested having dinner here while we're in town. It makes it very date like."

"Every outing with you is a date in my mind," he said, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Even when we're going to the grocery store like when we leave here?"

"Especially then," he quipped. "Nothing says love like 'let me buy groceries and feed you'. Especially if they're the breakfast type of groceries because that means I get to spend the night with you and get a complimentary breakfast in the morning."

Johanna laughed. "Yeah; I remember you saying something like that to me the first night we spent together."

"You mean the first night we spent together in a non-platonic way," he said mischievously.

"That's the one," she said with a nod. "I'm pretty sure you asked about breakfast somewhere in the middle of the night."

"I had to; you might not have known about the complimentary breakfast thing."

Her eyes danced with amusement. "Like I had ever let you go unfed…you did have a habit at times of showing up at my door at meal times…and that was before I allowed you certain privileges."

Jim nodded. "The food held me over while you were deciding how far I could get that week."

"Jim!" she laughed.

He laughed with her; he never got tired of the sound of her laughter. "What can I say, sweetheart; I was hooked on you no matter what we were or weren't doing…I still am."

Her smile softened, her fingers brushing lovingly over his hand. "I'm still hooked on you too."

He smiled as he turned his hand to capture hers. "I'm glad. Are you ready to head home when you're finished your cake? We've got a lot of decorating to do."

"Yeah; as soon as I finished these last two bites of cake and my drink I'll be ready," Johanna said. "Scarlett will be wanting her dinner too."

"She'll probably be waiting on us at the door," he replied before catching her eye. "Hey."

"What?" she asked.

He squeezed her hand gently. "I'm proud of you."

"For what?"

"For today…I know it wasn't easy…looking at our old ornaments and going out to buy new decorations…thinking about things like holiday baking that you haven't done in awhile. I know it's been hard for you but you pushed through it and I'm proud of you for it."

She returned the pressure of his hand. "I'm proud of you too."

"For what?"

"For wanting it for both of us," she said softly. "For loving me enough to drive halfway back to the city for a box of ornaments."

He gave her a smile. "There's nowhere on this earth that I wouldn't go for you, Jo."

"I know…and it's mutual," she told him.

He held her hand tightly for a moment and then brought it to his lips, placing a soft kiss against her skin. "Finish your cake, sweetheart; we still have a lot to accomplish today."

* * *

Later on, Johanna fussed with the placement of her centerpiece on the mantle; dropping the small flameless tealight candles into the pretty red votive cups. She smiled at the sight of the light flickering against the glass and then she straightened McKenzie's photo and brushed her hand over the small stocking hanging from the mantle that they had gotten for Scarlett's gifts to go into. She looked around the room, a feeling of accomplishment and happiness filling her as she glanced at the decorations…the house looked beautiful all dressed up for Christmas. The tree wasn't finished yet; Jim had asked her to do it last so he could work on putting up that inflatable Snoopy in the yard. She glanced at the clock and frowned, she had put all the candles in the windows; decorated the living room and kitchen and had placed their ceramic tree on the mantle in their bedroom along with a few other decorations and her husband still hadn't returned.

Worry began to fill her and she hurried to the bedroom to pull on her boots. She had no sooner finished zipping them up when she heard Jim's voice. "Jo."

"I'm here," she said, hurrying from the room. "I was getting my boots so I could come look for you, I was getting worried."

Her husband smiled and grabbed her coat from the hook by the door and made his way to her. "Put your coat on and close your eyes; I've got a surprise for you."

"I know you bought the Snoopy, you showed it to me," she said as she slipped into her coat.

"That's not the surprise," he said, taking her arm; "Now close your eyes and I'll guide you outside to where you need to be."

"Alright," she said indulgently.

"No peeking," he demanded.

"I promise."

Jim guided her out on the porch and down the steps, positioning her near their car so she could get a good look at the house. "Okay, open your eyes," he told her.

Johanna gasped in surprise as she opened her eyes and saw the strands of multi-colored lights that her husband had wrapped around the railing of the large porch and the icicle lights hanging from the porch roof. In the yard near the porch stood the inflatable Snoopy and beside it, an inflatable penguin she remembered commenting that she liked. "What do you think?" Jim asked, watching her face intently.

"I love it," she murmured; a bright smile on her face. "You made it so beautiful."

"You really like it?" he asked; he had been hoping she would…she had always loved the lights outside…and her first Christmas home, she had asked him to put up the lights outside and he had said no; that he didn't want to fool with those things anymore and so she had done it herself and the job hadn't been appreciated by anyone but her. He regretted so many things about that Christmas…but he wasn't letting her down this year. This year she would have lights and decorations…happiness even if they weren't among family.

His wife wrapped her arms around him and caught his lips in a kiss as snowflakes danced around them. "I love it…I love it so much. I always wondered what the cabin would look like decorated for Christmas…it's so beautiful. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he said warmly, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm glad you like it."

"I do; the lights are beautiful and I love Snoopy and the penguin…you must've hid the penguin from me."

"I did," he said with a nod. "I had it under a blanket in the back of the car."

She hugged him tightly. "I love it all so much; if I wouldn't freeze, I'd stand here and look at it half the night."

"You would freeze; it's pretty cold out," Jim replied, giving her a squeeze. "How are things going inside the house?"

"All finished except the tree; come in and look at it and get warm if you're finished out here."

"I'm finished," he promised; following her back to the door. Jim kicked the snow off his boots before moving into the house, catching sight of the anxious look on his wife's face that hinted that she hoped to please him with what she had done.

"What do you think?" Johanna asked; watching as his gaze swept over the room.

He smiled; the room was decorated tastefully and elegantly as she always had decorated in the past. "It looks beautiful, sweetheart. It looks warm and Christmassy."

"You're sure it looks alright?"

"Positive," he said as he wrapped his arm around her. "It's just right…you haven't lost your touch."

She smiled up at him. "I did the kitchen and our room too."

"Show me," he said as he pulled off his coat and laid it on the chair with hers.

Johanna took him around the house, showing him the decorations she had placed in each room until finally they made their way back to the living room. "Do you like it all?" she asked.

She needed extra reassurances that she wasn't doing something that made him uncomfortable, Jim thought to himself as his hand wrapped around hers. "I do like it all; you picked very nice things…you always do. You made the house look beautiful…are you happy with it?"

She nodded; a small smile on her lips as if she was afraid of being overly happy. "Yeah; I'm happy with it…I like it."

"I'm glad," he said, wrapping his arm around her. "It's looking like Christmas around here now."

"We still need to finish the tree…you need to put the star on and then we'll finish decorating it."

"I'll get right on that," Jim replied; seeing that she had the box containing the star lying on the coffee table along with the bag of ornaments. "Has Scarlett been behaving herself while you decorated?" he asked, seeing their pet curled up in her bed but watching them intently.

"Yes; she's been good…she's followed me room to room to watch what I'm doing but I think she remembers the rules about the tree; she hasn't bothered with it."

"Good," he said, glancing at their pet; "If she keeps behaving herself, she'll get a treat."

The word treat had Scarlett raising her head as she meowed. "You said the magic word," Johanna remarked; "Now she wants a treat."

"Well go get her one…we'll call it an apology treat for leaving her here by herself all afternoon," he replied with an indulgent smile.

Johanna went to the kitchen and got a cat treat for Scarlett, bringing it back to the living room and kneeling down in front of the cat bed to give it to her. "Here's your treat," she said as Scarlett took her offering. Her pet purred in appreciation as she petted her while Jim placed the star on the top of the tree and plugged it into a strand of the tree's lights. "What do you think?" he asked after checking to be sure that the star had lit up. "Is it straight?"

"Yes, it looks perfect," she replied as she looked up at the star she had chosen. "Do you like it?"

"I do," he said with a nod. "I'm glad we got a new one. It seems to suit the tree better than the old one…and this one is ours. I'll get the boxes of ornaments from the closet."

"I'll cut the tags off the new ones we bought," Johanna said as she rose from the floor. She moved to the couch, grabbing the bag of ornaments from the coffee table and the scissors as well. She removed the tags as Jim carried the boxes to the sofa and sat down.

"What do you want to do first?" he asked.

"Let's go through the ornaments and pick a few more favorites from our box and then we'll go through your mother's and pick our favorites of hers."

"Alright," he agreed.

They went through their ornaments first, Johanna selecting some that had been given to her as gifts, a few that belonged to her mother and Katie's glittery Styrofoam star she had made when she was four. Jim had chosen a baseball ornament Katie had given him when she was a little girl and an anniversary ornament his mother had given them. Johanna moved to the tree without any prodding this time but he followed along with her, holding the ornaments for her until she found the perfect spot for them. When they finished; they returned to the sofa and began going through Elizabeth's ornaments.

Johanna fished out a few of her favorites and then watched as Jim dug through the box. "I want this one," he said, holding up a small reindeer.

"I've always liked that; it's cute," she said; her finger brushing against the aged velvet material of the reindeer.

"My grandmother gave it to me when I was a little boy," Jim said as he studied it.

"Lilly?" Johanna asked.

"No; Virginia…my mother's mother," he replied. "I don't have many memories of her; I was little when she died…but I remember her giving me this…it's easier to remember her when I see this little reindeer; it sticks with me pretty good. I was sitting on her lap when I opened it…she tried to give us all equal lap time," he said with a quiet laugh. "The Christmas she gave it to me was the last one we had with her…I think I was four."

"It's sad that you didn't have more time with her," Johanna replied. "I know Liz always blamed herself for her death."

Jim gaze jerked towards his wife. "What are you talking about?"

She looked at him oddly. "You didn't know?"

"Know what?"

"That she blamed herself."

"No," Jim said with a shake of his head. "Why would she? Grandma was in an accident; Mom wasn't with her."

Johanna breathed deeply. "She blamed herself because your grandmother was on her way to your house that day."

Jim's fingers stroked over the reindeer he still held. "How do you know?"

"Liz told me."

"When?"

"A long time ago…that summer when Katie was a baby and we came up here to the cabin with your parents for a few days. Things were still a little touch and go between Liz and I at that time so I was trying to tiptoe around her since we were staying under the same roof but I put Katie down for a nap that day and I heard Liz moving around in that back bedroom she had stuff stored in and I went and asked if she needed help. She asked me to help her find the box of her mother's china that Robert had brought up here by mistake. We found the box and I asked her about her mom…it just kind of spilled out of her…like she had kept it bottled up so long that she couldn't keep it in once someone asked. She told me that her mother called and wanted her to bring you kids and come visit for the weekend but Liz told her she couldn't because all of you were sick; she said it was winter time and all five of you had everything from colds to ear infections and touches of the flu. Her mother told her that she would just come to her and help her with all of you. Liz said she was about twenty-five minutes away from your house when the accident happened. She always blamed herself…she said if she had just taken you kids and had gone to Pennsylvania that weekend, her mother wouldn't have been on that road."

Jim's eyes closed for a moment as he took in the information. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I figured that you knew…and I didn't want to bring up painful memories from your childhood. If I had known that you didn't know, I would have told you back then."

"I never knew that she blamed herself," he remarked. "I didn't even know that she had been on her way to our house…I feel like it's a missing piece of the puzzle about the way Mom was at times."

Johanna nodded. "It didn't help that her father blamed her too; she told me that the day of the funeral, he told her that her mother would've still been alive if she had been able to take care of her kids herself without needing assistance. But Liz hadn't asked her to come; she told me that she told her mother she didn't need to, that she didn't want her to get sick from being around all of you but your grandmother said she wasn't worried about it and would be there the next day. She blamed herself and her father blamed her too…and I don't think anyone helped her get through it. She just had to kind of bottle it up inside and go one because she had five kids that needed her and a husband and a home to take care of. Another reason I thought you knew back then was because she said you and Michael were in the room when her father said those things to her…she said you saw her crying and you never wanted anything to do with your grandfather after that; and that made sense to me because ever since I had known you, you had made it clear that you didn't like him."

"I didn't like him," Jim remarked; "I couldn't ever remember a time when I did like him…maybe that's why. I don't remember that day…but maybe it's why that feeling always stuck with me. Maybe some part of me remembered what he did even if I couldn't see it in my mind anymore."

"I don't doubt that; you were just a little boy; you couldn't retain every memory…but feelings, those stick around," Johanna said softly. "Sometimes you don't remember why you started feeling that way but you never forget that the feeling is there. I would have told you back then though if I had known that you didn't know how your mother held onto blaming herself."

"I know you would have," he said with a reassuring smile that held a measure of sadness for the loss of his grandmother and the pain his mother had carried that he hadn't been aware of. "Maybe the fact that you didn't is part of the reason why Mom settled more in regard to you; she softened up a good bit once Katie was here; with the exception of the occasional bad moment that slipped in…but maybe keeping the conversation between the two of you showed her that she could trust you and that helped ease things between you."

"Maybe so," she agreed. "I'm sorry I brought some sadness to our decorating though."

"It's okay," he said, giving her a quick kiss. "I feel like it explains some things in regard to my mother…and my grandparents. It is sad but I'm glad you told me…and I'm glad I still have this little reindeer to remember my grandmother by."

She smiled, giving a nod as she rubbed her fingertips against the deer. "You know when I go to the Christmas mass, I always light candles…"

"I know; one for Naomi, one for Sophia, one for Sarah and one for my mother and Lilly."

"Yes…and this year, we'll light one for Virginia too. I'm sure she and Liz are having Christmas together up there; we'll let her know she's not forgotten."

"I'd like that," Jim replied, brushing a soft kiss against her cheek. "Thank you."

"No problem," she said, caressing his cheek. "You should find a special spot to hang your reindeer on the tree and I'll hang these ones that I picked out."

They moved to the tree together and hung up their favorite ornaments from Elizabeth's boxes and then they added their new ornaments they had bought that day; lightness returning to the air between them as they finished their tree and then stood back to admire it.

"What do you think, sweetheart?" Jim asked as he wrapped his arm around her.

She smiled brightly, her arm slipping around his waist. "I think it's the most beautiful tree we've had in a very long time…I'm glad we did this."

Warmth spread across his chest as he held her tightly. "Me too," he admitted. "It's beautiful."

"Now that we're all finished our decorating, how about we find a movie to watch and relax the rest of the evening," Johanna suggested.

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Jim replied; "And we'll turn the lamps off so we have the glow of the Christmas tree. It'll be nice and cozy."

"Just want I wanted," she murmured as she held him tightly; feeling more of the heaviness she had been carrying all month ease from her body.

* * *

"I thought Mother was putting McKenzie down tonight," Castle said as he walked into the kitchen that evening and spotted Kate with their daughter on her hip.

"She is," she replied; "But she brought her down to me while she changed clothes…McKenzie bathed her in return," she said with a laugh as she kissed the baby's cheek. "Her blouse was soaked."

He smiled, reaching out and softly ruffling McKenzie's curls. "I guess she didn't want Grammy to feel left out."

"I guess not," Kate replied as McKenzie held her arms out to her father. "Dada!" she exclaimed.

"You actually want me?" he asked as he took his daughter into his arms. "What miracle is this?"

"Don't even start that again," his wife warned. "McKenzie always reaches for you; don't act like she doesn't."

"She reaches for you more," he replied, kissing his daughter's hands as they passed over his mouth.

'That's because I'm her mommy and babies are geared to look for mommy first; it doesn't mean she loves you any less; she loves you just as much as she loves everyone else."

He wasn't always so sure about that but he said nothing; fatherhood the second time around was nothing like it had been with Alexis. Oh the semantics were the same; feeding, changing, playing and providing for her…but everything else felt different. McKenzie was a mommy's girl, up one side and down the other. He hadn't had to worry about that with Alexis; she had been a daddy's girl from day one…but McKenzie's primary want was her mother. He knew it was ridiculous to be jealous over the fact; after all, he wanted Kate to have all the joys of motherhood…but he wished things were a little more equal.

"Dada!" his daughter exclaimed loudly; drawing him out of his thoughts.

"You better listen when she's talking to you," Kate said in amusement.

He smiled, kissing McKenzie's cheek. "Sorry, jellybean; what were you saying?"

His daughter babbled at him and he pretended to know what every syllable meant, telling her that he understood completely.

Kate stepped closer to them, lowering her voice as she spoke. "When your mom comes down to get McKenzie; tell her that you hope she has a nice trip, Castle. Don't let this thing be bigger than it needs to be between the two of you."

"I still don't like it," he stated, his daughter's small hand clamping around his nose.

"You don't have to like it…but you have to accept it."

"Kate," he sighed; "Why can't you understand?"

"I do, Rick; but I also understand that your mother wants your blessing to go on this trip. She doesn't want to go away with you being mad at her."

"Good; then she can stay with us."

"Castle," she said firmly.

"Fine," he muttered.

"You'll feel better when you see how happy it makes her."

"I doubt that."

"Do it anyway," she said softly; hearing the click of Martha's heels upstairs. "She's on her way down."

He frowned which made McKenzie giggle as she patted his face with her hands and he couldn't help but smile back at her.

"Alright, kiddo," Martha said as she swept into the kitchen. "Are you ready for your bottle and your bedtime story?"

"She's ready," Kate remarked as she took the bottle from the bottle warmer where she had placed it when she had finished making it. "Just let me say goodnight to her," she said; lifting McKenzie from her husband's arms. "Rick, don't you have something to say to your mother?"

His eyes narrowed at her but he turned toward his mother. "Mother, if you insist on running off to Phoenix for Christmas instead of being here with us…then I hope you have a nice time."

Martha gave him a small smile as she kissed his cheek. "Darling, I know you don't like the idea…"

"I don't," he agreed.

"I know…but I hope you know that I'm not doing it to hurt you."

"I know; you told me," he stated.

Martha gave him an indulgent smile. "I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, dear; and I hope that you're over being mad at me by the New Year."

"Will you be joining us for the New Year?" he asked.

"Well…no…I'll still be in Phoenix."

"Wow, really; Christmas isn't enough, you have to have New Year's there too?" her son asked.

She smiled. "If I hope to be kissed at midnight I do…and you know I like to be kissed at midnight."

"So we've heard," Castle quipped.

Martha patted his cheek. "Don't worry; I'm sure Johanna will be happy to watch McKenzie on New Year's Eve so you and Kate can go out…or stay in for a private celebration."

"She's out of town, we told you that."

"So find a hotel in her neighborhood and leave the baby with her; she won't say no," his mother assured.

"She could," he remarked.

"She could…she might want to get kissed at midnight too," Martha said mischievously; "In which case; you two will have to stay home and kiss your baby instead of each other…been there done that."

Castle cringed. "Mother, please…I don't need these images of the nocturnal activities of you or Johanna in my mind this close to bedtime when nightmares can torment me."

"Some of us enjoy staying young," Martha quipped. "Now say goodnight to your daughter so we can get settled."

Kate kissed McKenzie and told her she loved her before handing her back to Castle who repeated the same routine before handing his daughter over to his mother. "Alright, sweet girl," Martha cooed as she adjusted her hold on the baby and took the bottle Kate offered. "It's nighty night time. I'll be retiring to my room after McKenzie is asleep," she stated.

"Yell if you need me, Martha," Kate called after her.

"I will, dear; but I'm sure we'll be fine."

As her mother-in-law disappeared upstairs with the baby, Kate wrapped her arms around her husband in a tight embrace. "It's all going to be fine," she told him. "Believe it or not, you can still have a happy Christmas."

"That's what you keep telling me," he sighed; "But it's hard to picture with one member bailing."

Kate sighed deeply; feeling a headache forming above her eyes. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

As Jim stepped out of their bathroom later that night, he noted that the room was bathed in the glow of the fireplace and the flameless candles his wife had picked for the room. The ceramic Christmas tree on the mantle was lit; the covers on their bed turned back neatly. His gaze sought out his wife, finding her at the dresser; laying her necklace and earrings in the small velvet jewelry box she kept there. "Hey, Sassy," he said quietly; drinking in the sight of her in her red silk nightgown.

"Hey yourself," she replied, turning toward him as he came near. "I was starting to think you were going to stay in the shower all night."

"Not without you to keep me company," he replied, a grin tugging at his lips as his hand curled around her hip. "Is this new?" he asked, nodding at the red silk nightgown. "I know you have a red one but it's darker than this."

"It's new," she said with a nod. "I slipped it in the cart when you weren't looking. I thought the brighter red would be more festive."

Jim smiled. "We're all about being festive. Tis the season."

"For goodwill toward men," Johanna remarked, her tone low and loving as her hand moved against his chest in a caress.

"That's my favorite part of the season," he quipped.

She laughed softly before capturing his lips in a searing kiss. "I told you I had you on one of my lists."

His arms slipped around her, drawing her closer to him. "What else is on your list for me?"

Her fingers slipped into his hair at the nape of his neck. "That's for me to know and you to find out."

He laughed quietly against her skin as he brushed his mouth against her neck. "Today was good," he murmured to her; thinking about how they had reclaimed a small piece of their past that had still be hanging in the balance and how he felt that they had made a good bit of progress that day.

Her soft slender hand cupped his cheek, forcing his eyes to meet hers. "Today was perfect," she whispered, her eyes shining with love; "All because of you."

Jim shook his head. "Because of both of us…we made it perfect…just like always."

Johanna smiled, her thumb sweeping across his cheek. "Some things never change, do they?"

"No; not when it comes to you and me, sweetheart."

"You and me," she murmured, a smile still on her lips; "It's the only thing in this world I know I can count on."

"Don't ever forget it."

She shook her head. "Never."

He smiled; his fingertips rubbing against the silk of her nightgown. "It's just too bad this doesn't have candy canes on it like that one you had when we were engaged."

Johanna laughed. "If you remember correctly; you're the one who bought me that."

"I remember," he grinned. "I bought you matching underwear too…it was very special occasion like with a holiday twist."

"Yes; only you would go out and search for special occasion holiday underwear."

"I didn't search for it; it found me…by being on a table I passed by while shopping for your gift," Jim replied; "But since we're on the topic…is the nightgown the only special occasion thing you bought?"

She smirked at him in amusement. "Don't worry, darling; you know I make sure everything matches when it comes to these special occasions with you."

"Good to know," he quipped. "I do love you in red."

"Wait until you see what color I got for New Year's Eve," she said playfully.

His grin widened. "I'm starting to feel all warm and fuzzy about holidays."

Johanna caught his lips in a kiss, mischievousness in her gaze. "If you think you're warm and fuzzy now; just wait until we finish my list."

"We should get on that right away," he replied; "That's one list I can't wait to accomplish."

She shook her head at him. "Now you know I'm not one to be rushed…especially when it is such a special occasion."

"And we thought we couldn't have a Merry Christmas," he said lightly, nudging her backwards toward the bed.

A soft laugh slipped from her lips. "The holidays are looking up around here."

"Most definitely."

Her gaze turned serious, her hand cupping his cheek. "I love you, Jim," she murmured.

"I love you too."

She smiled softly, her gaze still pinned to his. "Thank you for today."

"No thanks needed, sweetheart; it's all going to be alright…we're off to a good start."

Johanna nodded, drawing him closer for a kiss. "I'm glad we're here. It feels right."

"I'm glad too…I know we were upset about things…but it's good to be here, just the two of us," he said quietly.

The smile returned to her lips. "I agree…and as perfect as today was…I think tonight will be even more so," she whispered before stealing another kiss and ending the need for conversation. Their plans for Christmas had been thrown together at the last minute, but she felt like it might end up being the best holiday they'd had in years.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 9

"We can start packing," Castle announced the next morning. "Sheila came through and we got our reservations."

"That's nice," Kate said; her tone uninterested as she carefully measured out a dose of infant Tylenol for McKenzie.

"I expected more enthusiasm," he remarked as he moved closer to the highchair that their fussy daughter was strapped into.

"I don't really care about Vermont at the moment," she said as she carefully squeezed the dropper of Tylenol into her baby's mouth. "McKenzie's teeth hurt."

"I don't know why you don't give her the teething tablets," Castle remarked.

"Two reasons; one, I threw them out…"

"Why!?" he exclaimed. "I use them for her."

"Yeah; that's why I threw them out because I don't want anyone giving them to her as I've told you before," Kate replied. "I've read about them, there's too much conflict in reports about whether they're safe or not and I don't trust them. They also make her sleep a lot and I don't like that; it makes me nervous. Besides; she has a low grade fever; she needs Tylenol."

"Her temperature is ninety-nine; that's hardly a fever, Kate. Slight elevation during teething is normal."

"It's above normal and she's hurting so I gave her the Tylenol. That's what I'm supposed to do."

"The teething tablets would've been fine; if there was something wrong with them, they wouldn't be on the market. I'm sure if you look around online enough you'll see people saying Infant Tylenol isn't safe."

"I don't care; I was given Tylenol as a baby and I'm still alive and that's all I need to know about it," Kate replied; "Besides, the doctor said Tylenol and so did my mom."

"Oh well, if Johanna said it it must be law," he said sarcastically.

"Don't start," Kate sighed. "I don't want her having those teething tablets; they're not regulated like other medications."

"Fine; but she'll end up immune to Tylenol."

"We don't give it to her every day!" she exclaimed. "I'm her mother; I know what's best for her!"

"I'm her father and I already had a kid so I think maybe I know something about what's best for her too."

"I'm not budging on the teething tablets, Rick," she stated as she moved to the fridge to get the baby's teething ring. "In my opinion they're nothing but damn knock out drops for babies and no one's knocking my baby out; not even her father."

"They are not knock out drops; they just ease the pain and relax her."

"Too much in my opinion; now the subject is closed."

Castle blew out a breath and undid the buckles of the highchair to lift McKenzie out of her seat. "Mama," their daughter sniffled, looking in Kate's direction.

"Daddy's got you," Castle told her.

"Mama," she said; her arms reaching for her mother as Kate neared them.

"Mommy's here, sweetheart," Kate said as she took her daughter into her arms and gave her the teething ring; guiding it to her lips so she'd bite down on it. "Chew on that for a little while; it should help," she said gently to her as she moved to the sofa and sat down with her; keeping her cuddled against her.

Castle sighed a little as he watched his daughter snuggle into her mother, chewing on her teething ring for all it was worth. She always seemed to want Kate when she needed comfort…and while he knew it was probably natural; he was used to being the person who doled out comfort. After all, he had comforted Alexis very well all through her childhood.

Kate glanced at her suddenly silent husband and could read the thoughts on his face…the ones they had been over a hundred times before. "It's not that she didn't want you, Castle; babies just want their mommy when they don't feel well. You know she loves you and wants you…every time you're in the office with the door closed, she crawls over there and smacks her hands against it yelling 'dada'…that should prove something, shouldn't it?"

"Yeah; I guess so," he replied; knowing that he was acting jealous once again and that it was difficult not be.

"She doesn't feel good so she wants me," his wife stated.

It seemed like McKenzie always wanted her no matter how she was feeling but it wasn't worth the argument to say so. "Anyway; we've got our reservations. I also rented an SUV for us to drive up there so we'll have more room for everything we need to pack. It'll be here this afternoon. If we get packed fast enough; we could head on up there sometime tomorrow."

Kate frowned a little as she adjusted her hold on the baby. "Maybe we shouldn't go; McKenzie doesn't feel well."

"She's not sick, she's only teething," he remarked; "She can do that anywhere…besides, you know how it is, she's fussy one day; fine the next…it comes and goes. She might be fussy today and fine the rest of the week. It won't matter where we are."

"Yeah; but what if she's coming down with something? Her doctor is here."

"She's not getting sick; she's just teething. On the very unlikely chance that she'd be sick, they have doctors in Vermont. Why are you trying to bail on this?"

"I just think we rushed into it without really thinking about it," Kate replied. "I know you want a white Christmas. I know you want a family Christmas and a vacation for us…but Martha isn't coming so we're not going to have a sitter for McKenzie when we want to go skiing or out to dinner."

"Alexis will watch her," Castle said confidently.

"And if Alexis has her own plans?" Kate asked.

"The resort has daycare," he said with a smile.

"Absolutely not," she replied. "I'm not handing my baby over to strangers!"

He laughed. "Kate, this is a very exclusive resort. They don't just let anyone work there; everyone is vetted; drug tests, background check; the works."

"Yeah; well it's not done by me and I'm not handing my baby over to people I don't know. Family and close friends only."

"She'll be among strangers when she starts school."

"School is different. McKenzie isn't going to daycare. I wasn't put in daycare and neither will my child. Too much abuse and too many accidents happen at daycare. No."

Castle eyed her. "So you never spent a single day of your childhood at daycare despite the fact that both of your parents had full time jobs?"

"No, I didn't. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I was with Naomi McKenzie and Tuesdays and Thursdays I was with Elizabeth Beckett."

"And they were available every single occasion your parents needed someone, even when it was just going out to dinner? What if one of your grandmothers was sick?"

"Then my aunt Valerie watched me," Kate replied. "Aunt Valerie usually watched me on my parents date nights too; I liked that, I got to spend the night with my cousins and Uncle Frankie would get us pizza."

Castle gave her a tight lipped smile; this wasn't going the way he had hoped. "You never had a teenaged babysitter?"

"Of course; my cousin Angie when she was old enough; I was about four or five then…as a matter of fact; I think she watched me sometimes when Mom was teaching her first law class because Dad was traveling a lot then."

"So you're seriously telling me that you were never watched by someone who wasn't blood related?" her husband asked.

"No; I'm not saying that at all. I mean I did have playdates with Jeff and Maggie's and kids and Mom didn't always stay; she'd drop me off and run some errands…she trusted Maggie to take care of me while she was gone…same with Sharon. When my Spanish homework got to more complicated levels, I'd go home with the kids of my parents colleague, Antonio; he and his wife Isabel are from Argentina and Isabel helped me get the hang of more complicated phrases. When I was a teenager, I babysat for my Mom's colleagues and they'd bring me home. So, no, all the people I was in contact with weren't blood related but they were people my parents knew for years and trusted."

"You were never watched by a neighbor?"

"No. I played with the kids in my neighborhood but I was never babysat by one of their parents. I was never in daycare. When I started school; my mother or one of my grandparents picked me up. If I was sick, my mother stayed home with me or I was with one of my grandmothers. During summer breaks, I was back to my grandmothers or at my aunt's house. My parents didn't believe in handing me over to strangers."

"That's nice if you have that luxury; but some of us mere mortals sometimes had to depend on neighbors or the occasional usage of daycare," Castle stated.

"It's not a dig at you, Castle. I know you didn't have the circle of people for Alexis that my parents had for me; but now that you have a child with me, we do have a large circle of family who I feel safe leaving our child with. Valerie's told me a hundred times if Mom wouldn't be able to watch McKenzie for some reason, she'd be more than happy to have her; she watches Greg's kids anyway and McKenzie would be more than welcome…so we have a back up if we need one; and I'm sure one day I will have to call Valerie because Mom might be sick or something and I'll feel at ease leaving my baby with my aunt because I know she'll take good care of her just like she always took care of me when I was under her roof."

"That's all well and good," he replied; "But we can't always take a babysitter on vacation with us, Kate. What are we supposed to do?"

Her brow arched. "When McKenzie is with us, it's a family vacation and therefore she will go everywhere with us. If it's a vacation just for you and I; she will be here with one of her grandmothers…or both of them if they need to tag team it due to work obligations. I'm even willing to leave her with her sister if Alexis is up to the task. I'm a cop, Castle; I've seen too much to be willing to put my baby in the hands of strangers when we have family and friends that we trust and who love her and would never cause her harm."

He blew out a breath; perhaps this discussion was best left to another time. He remained silent as McKenzie fussed for a moment until Kate repositioned her against her shoulder and draped the baby's favorite blanket over her as she rubbed her back. "It's kind of early for her to take a nap," he remarked.

"She's been up since five, Rick."

"Was it five?" he asked; "I fully admit the clock looked hazy when I cracked my eyes open to look at it. I thought it was six."

"No; it was 5:16 when she cried. I almost tripped over Martha getting in the room…she must've been sleeping lightly to hear her as quickly as she did; she usually sleeps through it unless she gets very loud."

"She probably can't sleep with her excitement about Phoenix," Castle said with a touch of sarcasm in his voice. "She didn't waste any time in getting out of here this morning."

"She has some things to get in order," his wife replied. "She'll be back later; she told me so. Ease up on her."

"I told her I hoped she had a nice time," he remarked.

She gave him a knowing smile. "But you didn't mean it."

"Dada," McKenzie mumbled as she curled her hand into Kate's shirt.

"Sit down with us so she can see you," Kate told him. "She wants to know we're both here."

Castle sat down next to them on the sofa; catching the teething ring as McKenzie dropped it and running his opposite hand over her dark hair. "Daddy's here, jellybean; go ahead and go to sleep…I didn't realize you were up so early. Daddy can't read the clock right when he's sleepy."

His daughter stared at him, her green eyes tired and fighting to stay open, but eventually her tiny eyelids closed and he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "She's out," he murmured. "Do you want me to take her upstairs for you?"

"No, I'll hold her for awhile longer."

"Kate," he sighed.

"She doesn't feel well," she snapped. "I'm going to hold her and make sure she's down and then I'll put her in the playpen so I can keep an eye on her."

"She'll be fine in her crib."

Kate's gaze met his and held. "Why do have to do that?"

"Do what?" Castle asked.

"Act like any decision I make as a mother isn't good enough. You act like I know nothing…"

"Well you are the one who said you had no real experience tending a baby," he stated.

"Just because I didn't babysit a ton of infants doesn't mean that everything I do is wrong just because I don't follow your playbook."

"No, it doesn't…but I do think you're wrong to sit and hold her for ten minutes after she goes to sleep and spare me the 'but my mother did it and I'm fine' speech. McKenzie's going to be so attached to you that she's not going to want out of your sight. It's going to be a sequel of you and Johanna and I don't think that's good for either one of you. That's why McKenzie only wants you for comfort; because she knows you'll sit and hold her all day if that's what she wants."

"You're damn right I will," Kate retorted. "I'm her mother; we're supposed to have a close bond. I'm supposed to be the one she wants when she needs comfort; that's just nature and instinct. I'm not Meredith and this baby isn't Alexis; I'm not just going to do it your way so you can feel superior and feel like you're the favored parent. It's not a competition, Castle."

"It's not like that!"

"I think it is."

"Well you're wrong," he stated; "But at least Meredith would've trusted me about which medications were safe to use."

"It's too bad you couldn't trust her to keep her legs shut," Kate replied; "If she had you might still be married to her and have other perfectly raised children that are up to your standards."

Castle got to his feet, agitation thrumming in his body. "All I'm ever trying to say is that I have the experience that you don't; so just maybe you could take my word over Saint Johanna's once in awhile."

"What does my mother have to do with me holding my baby?" Kate asked. "She didn't tell me to hold her after she went to sleep; it's something I do because it feels right to me not because someone told me to do it. As for experience, how am I supposed to gain any when you just want me to follow your word like it's the law? We're different people, Castle; we do things differently. I'm not harming McKenzie with any choice I make. You're just used to being the one who gets to make all the decisions and now it's not that way anymore and you can't stand it…well you're going to have to get used to it because if it's something I feel strongly about, I'll do it my way and I don't care who agrees with it or not! Just because I'm a first time mother doesn't mean that I'm stupid."

"I never said you were."

"No, you just act like it."

He breathed deeply. "I'm sorry, okay? I have strong convictions about how to raise a child…since I have actually raised one and she turned out pretty well."

"I have strong convictions too," Kate replied; "And instead of you rushing to judge everything I do in regard to McKenzie; why don't you just wait and see if I ask you what I should do about something…because those are the moments when I want to know. If I don't ask, then let me do it my way when I'm the one tending to her."

"I'm not going to keep having this argument with you."

"I'm not the one who keeps starting it. Something has to change here," she remarked; "Because all we do lately is fight. Let's put Vermont on hold until the New Year and just the two of us go. My parents will probably still be at the cabin but we could drop McKenzie off to them on the way."

"I just got the goddamn reservations, Kate; I'm not changing them and I already told you I'm not going on a trip that was your father's idea instead of yours!"

"Fine," she said as she rose from the couch to place McKenzie in the playpen. "If you don't want a few days alone with me that's perfectly fine. We can just implode; it'll be a nice way to start the New Year. Now as for our happy family trip to Vermont for Christmas; have you discussed it with Alexis? Because she hasn't been around."

"I sent her a text once the reservation was confirmed; she hasn't responded yet but she will," he said confidently. "I'm sure she'll be happy with the idea unlike some people."

"I hope she is," she replied. "I'll go start packing…and please leave McKenzie in the playpen for her nap while I'm out of the room…that is if it won't offend your childrearing sensitivities."

He gave her a tight smile. "Oh of course not; if you want McKenzie to be overly dependant on you; that will be your cross to bear and you'll have to be the one to correct it."

Kate smiled. "I'm not worried…don't forget, my mother treated me the same way and I'm fine. I don't even spend holidays with her…I don't even often have a meal at her house…so you see, I'm not overly dependant and I'm not worried that McKenzie will be either."

"Your dependence might be a matter of opinion," he quipped; "But I guess we'll see how it all turns out one day. Don't worry; I'm not going to wake McKenzie by moving her; she's fine."

"Thank you," his wife replied. "Do you want me to pack your things while I do mine or do you want to do your own?"

"I'll pack my own stuff," he said shortly as he flipped the channels on the television.

"I'm willing to do it," she said; softening her tone.

"I'll do it myself, Kate. I'm capable."

"Yeah; I know…you're capable of everything," she said before turning away from him and heading for the bedroom. Sometimes she wondered what he had ever needed her for. He didn't seem to need her for most things that wives were needed and wanted for; he had a cleaning lady who came in once a week. He could cook and seemed to prefer his own cooking to hers most of the time…and she had to admit, it did hurt at times when she was shooed out of the kitchen and told that he'd do it. Wasn't it supposed to be her job most of the time? She hadn't liked cooking only for herself when she had been single but now that she had a family she didn't have any issue with the task…she knew how to make a lot of things. He thought he was a better parent than her and was better at raising McKenzie. So what did he really need her for? Her womb she supposed; he wouldn't have another child without her womb providing it…and there was sex; not that that was happening a lot lately either. She sighed deeply as she sat down on the foot of the bed and put her head in her hands. She had been warned that a baby could be hard on a marriage…especially when that baby was born around the time of the first anniversary. Maybe they hadn't had the bugs worked out of their young marriage yet and now a baby was there and everything was out of whack. She didn't know how to fix it other than trying to find some time alone together but he didn't seem too cooperative…so what the hell was she supposed to do?

* * *

Jim smiled as he walked into the kitchen and met Johanna's eye as she stood by the counter waiting for the water to heat for her tea. A smile touched her lips; her green eyes sparkling with love and warmth. "That's an awful smug grin on your face, Mr. Beckett," she said lightly.

He moved in her direction. "You look a little smug yourself, Mrs. Beckett," he commented as his hands slipped around her waist.

"I figure I've earned it," she quipped.

His grin widened. "Oh I'd say so," he remarked before capturing her lips in a series of searing kisses until the tea kettle whistled and forced them apart.

"I better get that," Johanna murmured breathlessly as she reluctantly left the circle of his arms.

"You could just move it to the other burner and make tea later," he stated, his hands finding her waist once more.

"And why should I do that?" she asked; moving the kettle to another burner for the time being.

'Because then we can get back to this," Jim replied before kissing her once more.

"Last night wasn't enough?" Johanna inquired; her tone a mixture of lightness and seduction as her arms slipped around him.

"Nope…I always want to come back for more…which why you should've stayed in bed like I told you," he said, his mouth moving over her ear.

Her fingertips dug into his shoulder despite her best intentions as his mouth found its way to that certain spot on her neck and settled there. "Scarlett needed fed; she was scratching at the door."

"She's been fed now," Jim replied; glancing at their pet who was happily occupied with her meal. "You can come back to bed."

"I'm already dressed," she laughed.

He glanced at the black leggings and pink and white button down shirt she had on. "No problem, sweetheart; I can help you out of this outfit in a matter of seconds. Just say the word; I'm a good helper."

"Oh I know you are," Johanna said with a laugh. "You've always been very helpful."

"I'm good like that; even my kindergarten teacher said I was helpful."

She looked up at him in amusement. "Who were you helping in kindergarten?"

"I wanted to help little Julie Douglas hang upside from the monkey bars but she chickened out so I had to settle for handing out the milk cartons at snack time."

Johanna laughed. "And whatever happened to little Julie Douglas?"

"She moved away when we were in second grade…but she had already lost her allure by then."

"Oh?"

"Yeah...total snob by the age of eight; but lucky for me; I was rewarded later in life with finding the perfect woman for me," Jim said warmly.

"You're a smooth talker, aren't you, Jim Beckett?"

"Only for you, sweetheart; so…you want to come back to bed?"

"I was thinking of making breakfast."

"Come back to bed and later we'll have brunch."

"We're already close to it being brunch," she laughed as he trailed kisses against her neck.

"Then we'll have lunch…doesn't matter which meal it is to me; they're all good."

"Don't you think we should save something for later?" she teased.

"Why wait when we could just have what we want now?"

"Because sometimes a wait makes it sweeter in the end."

"That could be true," he said; "But there's a lot to be said for the present."

Johanna smiled; her hand caressing his cheek before she caught his lips in a kiss. "Last night was perfect," she murmured.

"I know," he breathed, his hand moving softly along her side. "That's why I'm trying to prolong it."

A soft giggle slipped across her lips. "We've got plenty of time, darling; I'm all yours for the time we're up here…no interruptions in sight."

A grin touched his lips. "I do love having you all to myself for awhile."

"Me too…what are we going to do today…besides what you already have in mind."

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"It's been awhile since we went to a movie," Johanna replied. "We could go this afternoon, beat the evening crowds."

Jim smiled. "We can see the new Star Wars movie."

Her nose wrinkled in distaste. "You know I don't like sci-fi movies."

"Come on, it'll be fun."

She sighed. "How many movies do they need in that franchise?"

"As many as possible," he quipped.

"Isn't there anything better playing?"

"Not that I want to see…and I go to your girly movies with you."

Johanna sighed once more. "Alright; I'll sit through yet another Star Wars movie…but only because I love you."

"Works for me," Jim said; pressing a soft kiss to her lips. "In return for that; I'll put my original plans of luring you back to bed on hold until later and allow you to make breakfast…or brunch; whatever it is by now."

"Deal," she laughed; "But I want popcorn and soda at this movie…the big size, not the puny one."

"We'll get this biggest size they have," he replied. "I'll even get you a box of candy too."

"Okay; and when we get home, I get to pick something I like to watch."

"Fine; but I want bacon with whatever you're making for breakfast," Jim said lightly.

"Alright, Counselor; I agree to the terms of this settlement," Johanna quipped. "How do you feel about it?"

"I'm agreeable…but we may need more mediation if you're going to start making the law sound sexy again," he replied, giving her a soft pat on her backside.

Johanna laughed and gave his a soft push against his chest. "We'll save the mediation for later; go shave, I'll make breakfast."

Before she could slip away from him, his fingertips caught hold of her chin and drew her close for another kiss. "I love you," he murmured; his tone warm, caressing her heart with every syllable.

"I love you too," Johanna replied; her eyes meeting his. "I was thinking about something this morning."

"What's that?"

"I'd like for us to stay up here for a little while past the New Year, if that's alright?"

Jim nodded. "It's fine with me…I mentioned to you that we could."

"I know…I just don't feel like hurrying back, you know? Unless you'd need to for work?"

"No; the things I have to do can be done from here; I'm not really needed at the office until the middle of the month. I'm just laying out some groundwork right now for Zach. What about the baby? Katie might be back to work before we go back."

"Rick can stay home with her for a few extra days," she replied. "I'm not going to mention it to Katie yet…but I do feel like I want to stay a little longer…have some extra time just for us."

"That sounds like a perfect Christmas gift to ourselves," Jim remarked. "I'm all for having a few extra days for us."

She kissed him, a smile touching her lips as she traced the line of his jaw. She had been sad on the drive up but now that they were there and things were going so well; she just wanted to stay in that bubble with him for as long as possible.

* * *

That afternoon, McKenzie cried as her cloth pink elephant rattle slipped from her hand and fell over the side of the walker.

"It's right here, sweetie," Kate said as she picked up the rattle and handed it back to her daughter; smoothing her hand over her dark hair. She had hoped that her nap would've helped with her fussiness but so far she was just as fussy as when she had woke up early that morning.

Her baby sniffled, drawing the elephant's soft ear into her mouth to chew on. "My poor girl," Kate murmured to her. "That mean tooth is making you unhappy; I wish I could make it better for you…or at least hurry it so you wouldn't have to feel so miserable."

McKenzie babbled back to her as she wiped the tears off her cheeks. "Dada," she said, her head turning in the direction of the office.

"Daddy's not in there; he went to get you more diapers so we have enough to take with us to Vermont," she told her. "I told him to get some extra formula too."

Her daughter huffed a little and she smiled, her fingers toying with the curls at the nape of McKenzie's neck. "You don't want to go to Vermont either, do you?"

"MaMaMa," McKenzie said, a small hand tapping one of the attached toys on her walker.

Kate smiled. "You want to see Grandma?"

"MaMaMa!" the baby exclaimed, a smile breaking across her small lips.

"You know, I'm starting to think you really do mean Grandma when you say that…if she was home we'd go see her but she's at the cabin with Grandpa."

The smile stayed on McKenzie's lips; her head turning in the direction of the door as if she expected her grandparents to walk through it. "Sorry, Babe; Grandma and Grandpa aren't coming today. I'm sure you miss them. I'm sure they miss you too."

McKenzie cooed at her and then gave her attention to her toys just a key sounded in the lock of the door. "Dada!" she exclaimed.

"I bet it is Daddy," Kate laughed; but then the door of the loft opened and her step-daughter swept inside. "We were wrong, Kenzie girl; it's Sissy!"

McKenzie smiled brightly; her gaze fixed on her sister as she held her arms up to be picked up by her but Alexis barely glanced at her which put Kate on alert. Usually as soon as Alexis came in the door, she swept her baby sister into her arms for kisses and tickles.

"Where's Dad?" Alexis asked; her tone firm and her blue eyes flashing with fire.

"He went to the store to get more diapers and formula; he should be back any minute," Kate replied. "Is there a problem?"

"Oh yeah; there's a problem," Alexis stated; "A big one."

Kate breathed deeply, taking in her step-daughter's body language and the fire flashing in her eyes. This couldn't be good; she thought to herself…it couldn't be good at all.

_A/N: Please keep in mind (some of you) that having a baby can be stressful on a marriage at times…and that two people who are already opposites in most ways are likely to clash about parenting styles. It's a natural part of life and marriage._


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 10

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kate asked; breaking the silence that had fallen between her and Alexis.

"I'll wait until Dad gets here so it can all be done at once," Alexis replied. She wasn't going to take the chance that Kate would try and change her mind…that she'd talk her down from the annoyance and anger that was flickering inside of her.

"Are you sure?" her step-mother asked.

"Yeah…but don't worry; you'll know, I'm not going to ask you to leave the room. I have a feeling you're out of the loop about this one anyway."

"Is this about Christmas?" Kate asked.

"It's about more than that," Alexis replied as McKenzie fussed for her sister's attention. "What's wrong with McKenzie today?"

"She's got a tooth coming in. She's been fussy all day…and she probably wants you to hold her like you usually do."

"I'll hold her later," Alexis replied, allowing her sister to grip her fingers. She didn't like to shun her by disregarding her need to be cuddled but the aggravation in her veins didn't make her feel up to playing with McKenzie today. Her father's text had sparked her ire and it had grown steadily as she made her way to the loft to confront him. He just had no concept of boundaries. He did what he wanted regardless of how it affected anyone else. Well this time he was going too far.

The door of the loft swung open and Castle stepped inside carrying a box of diapers and a few grocery bags. "It's always nice to come home and see three of my favorite women in residence," he said lightly as he glimpsed the back of Alexis's head.

McKenzie whined from her walker, pulling his gaze toward her as her mother and sister ignored his comment. "Still not feeling good, jellybean? Daddy bought more teething tablets."

"I told you I don't want her having those!" Kate exclaimed.

"Well I don't agree and since she's my child too, I'll give her one to ease her suffering."

"I said no," Kate said firmly. "I told you I don't like them, they make her too sleepy and she's not taking them!"

"That's what he does, Kate," Alexis stated. "He ignores what anyone says in favor of what he wants."

Castle heard the layer of ice in his daughter's tone and he left the bags in the kitchen, making his way into the room with them. "That's not true, Alexis."

"Yeah, it is," she said; "You've always been that way…and apparently you always will be."

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"You tell me," Alexis replied as she pulled her phone from her pocket and showed him his text. "What the hell is this?"

"That's my text telling you that everything is set for us to spend Christmas in Vermont," he replied.

Anger snapped in Alexis's blue eyes as she surged to her feet. "Why are you going to Vermont?"

Castle chose his words carefully. "Because we want to have a nice family Christmas…we want McKenzie's first Christmas to be a white one and we thought we could do a little skiing."

Alexis shook her head. "This isn't about McKenzie and it's not about skiing. Your sudden need to go to Vermont is so you can follow me and stick your nose in my business!"

"I'm not following you," he replied.

"Really? Then why are we going to be in the same town at the same time, Dad?"

"Alexis," he sighed.

"No," she said firmly. "I told you when we had lunch Friday that I was going to Vermont with Max and his family for Christmas; you didn't say a word about already having plans to go skiing so I'm not buying that this is some big coincidence! You hurried up and made plans to go too because you want to follow me like I'm thirteen and need a damn chaperone!"

"Alexis, that isn't true. You know I enjoy having a white Christmas and I wanted that for McKenzie's first Christmas…and if having you near for the holiday was possible, then Vermont seemed like a good option. You want to be a part of your sister's first Christmas, don't you?"

"This isn't about McKenzie; it's about you!" his daughter exclaimed. "I love my sister and I have gifts for her but no, I'm not overly concerned with it being her first Christmas. We'll have other Christmases together."

"First Christmases are important," he replied.

"Yeah; so is having Christmas with the person you love," Alexis shot back. "I told you I'm going with Max and his family."

"You belong with your own family, Alexis," Castle stated. "It's Christmas; we're going to be together as a family should be; even if that means going to Vermont."

Her blue eyes shot his an angry look. "I told you that Max and his family invited me to spend Christmas with them and that's what I'm doing. His parents are renting us our own cabin so we can have privacy and not have them and his siblings constantly in our business; you're not coming! I'm not going to have you hovering over me the whole time I'm there and if you think for a minute that I'm not already imagining all the 'can you babysit so we can go out' phone calls I'd get, you're wrong. This trip is for Max and I; for me to get to know his family…not for you to poke your nose in and not for me to spend half of my vacation babysitting my sister! You're not going to Vermont!"

"I can go to Vermont if I want to," he retorted.

"Yeah, you can…go to a part I'm not in!"

"Alexis; there's no reason why you can't stop by our suite at the lodge to spend some time with us on Christmas," Castle remarked; taking note of the fact that his wife was saying nothing, her expression betraying nothing as well.

"Yeah, there is!" she exclaimed; "I want to be with Max…and I don't need you tagging along and sticking your nose in it! I'm a grown woman; I don't need to spend every holiday with my daddy."

"We're your family," he said tartly; "Max is just a boyfriend who will probably be gone from your life by this time next year…and you really want to spend Christmas with a boyfriend and his family instead of your own!?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed. "I'm a grown woman, Dad; I'm allowed to have a life! I love Max and I want to spend Christmas with him without you hovering in the background. His family invited me to Thanksgiving and I told you about it and you said I should be here, it was my sister's first holiday and on and on until I gave in and came here. I brought Max with me and you treated him the same way you treated Pi; like he didn't pass your test and qualify as good enough. Well I'm going with him for Christmas. I'm not saying no this time and who do you think you are judging my relationship? You don't know how long my relationship is going to last; Max and I have been together for a year."

"Yes, a whole year," he replied; "But let's not forget you two already split up once before and then Pi was the love of your life and now it's back to Max. So yeah; I'm not seeing this lasting forever, Alexis; that's how it is at your age. Relationships come and go."

"Do you really want to go there, Dad?" Alexis asked; "Because let's talk about you and your relationships; my mother cheated on you and yet you still hooked up with her anytime she was in town. You divorced Gina and then dated her again and broke up with her again. You've had more flings than I care to remember and now you're on your third wife so do you really want to act like my relationships are so bad when you've yet to make it past the five year mark of a marriage? Who's to say you and Kate are going to stay together? Because let's face it, your relationships seem to come and go at any age, not just when you were my age."

"That's uncalled for!" Castle exclaimed.

"Is it? You think my relationship is doomed but I haven't seen you have a successful track record. So before you go talking about me and acting like I'm some stupid little girl, why don't you take a look at your past! I don't owe you every holiday anymore. I love Max and I'm spending Christmas with him and I don't want you there; and if that makes me a terrible person, than I'm just going to have to be one this time," she said, her voice cracking.

Castle breathed deeply. "Okay, I upset you; I get that…and maybe I'll be completely wrong and you and Max will be together for awhile…but that doesn't mean we can't make this work in Vermont. We won't invade your privacy, Alexis. We won't ask you to babysit. But it is Christmas and on Christmas Day you can come to our suite and be with us like family should be. Your grandmother already bailed in favor of Ben…but since we're going to be at the same place, you should spend at least part of the day with us."

"No," she said firmly even as her tone shook. "I don't owe you my presence every holiday, Dad. You can be in Vermont all you want but I won't come to your door."

Anger snapped in Castle's gaze. "Alexis; you're being unreasonable. I'm your father; we've always spent Christmas together; that's what families do."

Alexis gave a short laugh. "Well then why don't you preach that to your wife? Kate's never with her parents on the holidays. She's always with you…I don't even think she calls them half the time on the holidays. Shouldn't you be telling her to spend a portion of the day with her parents?"

"That's different," he snapped.

"No, it isn't," she retorted. "I'm supposed to owe you every holiday but you didn't mind me not seeing my mother on holidays…"

"I always invited your mother here to spend Christmas with you, Alexis," Castle retorted. "I couldn't force her to come…her latest role was always more important."

"Yeah, I know…but the point remains. I mean some people might say you could've just taken me out to California so I could see both of my parents for the holiday."

"You never had a problem with the way things were, Alexis; so why are you dredging that up?" he asked.

"Because you have double standards, Dad. You want me to always be with you on Christmas because you're my father…but you weren't bothered by me not seeing my mother on the holidays. You don't preach at Kate to get over the past and spend holidays with her parents. You didn't even invite her parents to Thanksgiving."

"Because they've declined the last two years," Castle replied. "They prefer their own Thanksgiving."

"Yeah…and they've invited us to it but you always say no."

Castle nodded. "Yes, I do; because we have our own traditions and holidays are a painful reminder for Kate when it comes to her parents."

"Maybe it wouldn't be painful if she made new memories with them," Alexis shot back; "After all, it is McKenzie's first Christmas; shouldn't she be near her grandparents for that? I already know all about Gram going to Arizona with Ben so Kate's parents are the only grandparents that McKenzie could see on Christmas…is she supposed to never see them on the holiday?"

"Johanna and Jim have gone to their home in the mountains so that point is moot. They always go there."

"Maybe they wouldn't if they had a reason to stay…but they don't have one because Kate always chooses you."

"That's enough, Alexis," he said angrily. "This isn't about Kate. It's about you! You're my daughter; I want my kids with me for Christmas. I don't think that's too much to ask."

"Well maybe this year it is," Alexis said, angry tears laying her eyes. "I love you, Dad; but I'm also very angry right now…because you have no right to take my plans and make them yours. I chose Max this time…and I want you to respect that. I do not want you there. I'm supposed to be getting to know Max's family better and I can't do that with you hanging over my shoulder the whole time and making everything about you. So I'm asking you to please, don't do this…because if you do…I'm going to be even angrier."

Kate rose from the sofa, lifting McKenzie out of the walker as she did so. "Alexis; I had no idea that you were the reason for your father's sudden need for a ski trip to Vermont. He did mention that you wanted to go there with friends and I should've paid more attention to that but I didn't. It all makes sense now though. I assure you that we won't be there, so please don't worry. We're not going. You go with Max and you have a wonderful time. If I had known his real reason for going was to horn in on your holiday with Max, I wouldn't have allowed it to get this far. I'm sorry."

"No, we're not sorry," Castle remarked; "We are her family; she should be with us; not some boyfriend and his family."

"Yeah, my parents have felt that way too in the past and yet I always chose you," Kate replied; "And this Christmas, Alexis is choosing Max and she has a right to do so. She loves him, he loves her…his family invited her. You had no right to act like you wanted to go to Vermont so McKenzie's first Christmas would be a white one and so we could have a vacation. You want to go to be nosy like she said. You have to let her go a little, Castle; she's not a little girl anymore."

"Yeah, well remember this one day when McKenzie wants to pull this stunt," he said sharply.

"It's not a stunt," Kate retorted; "It's called growing up and moving on in life. Will it hurt me when McKenzie one day chooses to spend a holiday with her boyfriend over me, yeah, it will; but it's a part of life…and you won't do to her what you tried to do to Alexis this year. Now you cancel those reservations because we're not going and you apologize to Alexis."

"I don't feel I did anything wrong by wanting to have my family together. She's never around as it is…and now I'm not supposed to have Christmas with her either?"

"It's one Christmas, Dad," Alexis replied. "I've spent every Christmas of my life with you…I think you can survive having one away from me. It doesn't mean I love you any less…it just means that there's someone in my life besides you and Gram and McKenzie and Kate."

"Fine," he told her. "If you don't want to spend Christmas with us, you don't have to. Apparently family Christmases are an old fashioned trend of the past; so go, have your wonderful trip with Max and his family and don't worry about your own family who will be missing you on Christmas Day."

Alexis rolled her eyes. "I'll call you on Christmas."

"Don't bother, I wouldn't want it to take away from your time with Max," he stated.

"Castle," Kate chastened.

"Go ahead and take her side, Kate; you always do."

"She's not doing anything wrong! And we're not going to be doing anything wrong because we're not going to Vermont and invade her privacy."

"Fine," he said as he stormed away into his office. "I'll just call Sheila and tell her to cancel everything she spent her time getting for us which means I'll be paying her fees for nothing."

"That's on you, Rick."

He slammed the office door shut behind him and Kate turned to Alexis. "I am sorry, Alexis; I really didn't know that you were the main reason for going to Vermont."

"I figured that," her step-daughter replied. "I know that if he had told you about my trip with Max that you wouldn't have gone along with this."

"No, I wouldn't have."

Alexis breathed deeply and met her eye. "Just so you know; I wasn't trying to hurt you by bringing up that you don't spend the holidays with your parents. I was just trying to make a point."

Kate gave her a small smile. "I know…and you weren't wrong. I have spent Thanksgiving with my father at various times through the years…but I haven't spent it with my mother and I haven't spent Christmas with either one of them since 1998…so you're not wrong. I haven't been with them…every holiday that's come along since my mother came home, I've been here. I know you didn't bring it up to hurt me and you didn't…but it does put it in an even sharper focus than it has been the last few days."

The redhead shifted on her feet for a moment. "Do you ever want to spend Christmas with them?"

"For a long time I didn't," she replied; "But I don't think I'm going to feel that way all the time…especially now with McKenzie here."

"Maybe you should go see them this year," Alexis murmured.

"I'm thinking about it."

"Kate…"

"Yeah?" she said, meeting her step-daughter's gaze.

"I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't care about McKenzie."

She smiled. "I know you love her; don't worry," she said as pulled her into a hug. McKenzie squealed happily as her sister's arm came around her and she wiggled, trying to put her face close to Alexis's; making them laugh despite the seriousness that hung in the air.

"You better hold her," Kate said, shifting McKenzie into her arms.

Alexis cuddled her baby sister close, kissing her cheek. "You know, when I told him Friday that I was going away with Max; I expected him to…well…not be happy about it. I fully expected that and was prepared for it. But then he seemed to take it okay and I thought I had been silly for dreading the moment I had to tell him because it went better than I expected. Then I got that text and saw that he had made these plans to go along too and I just…I got so angry."

"I'd be angry too if I thought my father was following me on a trip with my boyfriend," she replied. "It's okay for you to get mad at each other once in awhile, Alexis; it's just how it is between fathers and daughters…and mothers and daughters for that matter too."

"I know…but you know we had that falling out during the Pi debacle and I thought we were better. I thought he finally respected that I was a grown woman and that I'm not always going to do things the way he thinks I should; that I'm not always going to do things he likes. Today just felt like a slap in the face…a reminder that he doesn't always accept boundaries when he thinks he knows what's best."

Kate nodded. "I know…sometimes it's hard to figure out how to keep that good relationship with your parents when you're an adult and they still see you as a kid at times. God knows I've struggled with it enough…for me I don't think it's so much that they were still seeing me as a kid…it was them worrying that they'd get pushed out of my life completely…and me doing a lot of pushing when I didn't always mean to. I don't think it's exactly the same way between you and your father…I don't think you push him away but he does. I think that's part of his problem lately…you're not home as much as you used to be and I do my best to remind him that it's the way it's supposed to be, that you're in a relationship and you have school and activities on campus…but he doesn't see it like I do. He was in the wrong with this thing about Vermont and you have every right to be mad…but maybe when things quiet down, you two can get together and have a talk and you can assure him that he hasn't lost his place in your life."

"He could never lose his place in my life," Alexis replied. "I've tried to let him know that…it just doesn't always seem to get through."

"Just keep trying," she told her; "And don't let him make you feel bad for wanting to go with Max for Christmas, okay? You should enjoy it and have fun. He'll be okay."

"He does have another daughter," Alexis said, a touch of lightness in her tone despite the layer of tears and frustration in her eyes.

"Yes, he does; and I told him that he has plenty of time to be the only man in her life."

Alexis gave Kate a smile. "McKenzie will probably be going through this in about twenty years."

"God, I hope not," Kate sighed; "If so, you can find me in my mother's guest room because I'll probably have to run away."

Her stepdaughter laughed softly. "I'll make sure I have a guest room too…in case McKenzie needs it."

"Good idea; if we're both hiding in different places he'll have more time to cool off while he's looking for us. See, you went through this and I know it's painful for you but now I have a plan for your sister if she should need it; so see, you're doing everyone a favor," Kate said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "You're breaking in your father for this issue and I'm forming the escape plan, and she'll have guest rooms to hide in. Silver lining."

Alexis leaned into her, soaking up the comfort as McKenzie gently tugged at her earlobe. "Thanks, Kate."

"No problem," she said, pressing a soft kiss against her temple.

"Just so you know," Alexis said; "I don't have an issue babysitting McKenzie for a few hours once in awhile. I don't want you to think I never want to babysit her, I do…just not on my vacation."

She laughed. "I understood what you meant, Alexis; I wasn't offended and I don't blame you. No one wants to babysit when they can be cozy in a cabin with their boyfriend. I'm not out touch with reality yet."

"I know you're not; I just didn't want you to take any of it the wrong way."

"I haven't."

"Can I spend a little time with McKenzie while I'm here? Before Dad's text, I had planned to come over tonight with the gifts because I leave tomorrow…and I need some things that I don't have at Max's place; but I think maybe it would be best to do the gift thing after I'm back in the city. Maybe things won't feel so tense then."

"That's fine and of course you can spend time with your sister; she's always happy to see you. Take her upstairs and play with her…check her diaper if you don't mind; she might be wet by now."

"I'll change her," Alexis promised. "And I don't blame you on the teething tablet issue. In one of my classes we studied the differences between medications regulated by the FDA and those that aren't; in the infant section of that study, teething tablets were one of the things we looked at…and they're not regulated and there are a lot of cases where babies have gotten sick from them. I know it's not my place…but please don't give them to my sister; I know she's probably crabby and her gums hurt but it doesn't seem worth the risk."

"You're allowed to voice a concern for your sister and I assure you that she's not taking them; she'll get Tylenol like the doctor said. If you have time before you leave though, forward the information on the tablets from your class to your father please."

"I will; I know he sometimes thinks that if you buy it at a drug store it's not something that can harm you if you follow the directions but that's not always the case."

"Every bottle of them he brings home I throw out," Kate assured. "You might want to grab her elephant rattle if you're going to take her upstairs so you two can have some play time; she's been clinging to her elephant all day…she likes chewing on his ears."

Alexis grabbed the rattle from the tray of the walker. "Let's go get you changed," she told her sister; "Then we'll read a story and play, okay?"

McKenzie babbled at her, pressing kisses to her face, making Alexis laugh softly. "I'm going to go have a word with my husband," Kate said; "If you need me, yell."

"I will but we'll be fine," Alexis replied as she headed to the stairs with McKenzie on her hip.

Kate watched them until they were out of sight and then she made her way to her husband's office. "Did she leave?" Castle asked as he met his wife's gaze.

"No, she's upstairs spending some time with her sister."

"That's a surprise; I mean you'd think she'd have to rush back to Max's side and get ready for their trip," he said sarcastically.

"She's allowed to love someone other than us, Castle. Did you cancel the reservations?"

"No. Alexis doesn't own the state of Vermont. We can still go and McKenzie will be fine in daycare when we want to ski."

"No; we are not going to Vermont," Kate said firmly.

"I don't see why not."

"Really?" she asked; forcing her voice not to rise. "Let's start with how you lied to me about what this trip was really about. It's not about McKenzie having a white Christmas. It's not about you and I having a vacation. It's about you wanting to follow Alexis and force her to spend Christmas with us instead of with the person she chose."

"I didn't lie to you; I do want McKenzie to have a white Christmas. I do want us to have a vacation. I do want a family Christmas and Alexis is part of our family…so if we have to go to Vermont to have a family Christmas then I didn't see any harm in making the trip."

"And yet you didn't tell me about Alexis's plans when you sprung this Vermont idea on me," Kate replied. "You kept that to yourself…because you knew if you told me that Alexis planned to go with her boyfriend and his family, I would've said no about us going. So you lied."

"I didn't lie…I just withheld certain details because they didn't matter."

"Oh but they do matter," she retorted. "You acted like this whole thing was about McKenzie and giving her a wonderful first Christmas and the whole time it was really about Alexis…you were using one daughter as an excuse to tag along after the other one. It was wrong and we're not going."

"Kate; I'm going to feel like a fool calling Sheila back and telling her to cancel!"

"Good; remember that feeling; then you won't do something like this again," she remarked. "Alexis loves you, Rick; but you have to accept that she's not always going to be here every time you want her to be."

"I do accept it."

"I don't think you do; now cancel the reservations."

"I don't see why we still can't go; I won't bother Alexis while we're there."

Kate placed her hands on the desk and leaned forward. "We are not going," she said firmly. "You know how you didn't want to go on a trip that was my father's idea? Well I don't want to go on a trip that you thought up for the sole purpose of being up your daughter's ass when she doesn't want you there."

"Fine, Kate; I'll cancel the damn trip and send back the SUV," Castle stated.

"No, hang on that SUV; we're going to need it."

"For what?" he asked.

"Because we're going to my parents for Christmas," Kate said, her eyes on his and her tone serious.

Castle shook his head. "I am not going to your parents for Christmas."

"Well then you'll be spending Christmas alone because McKenzie and I are going."

"No, you and McKenzie will be with me for Christmas. You're my wife and she's my daughter."

"We're aware of the family tree, Rick. You said you wanted McKenzie to have a family Christmas…well her sister won't be with her and neither will your mother. One of the best things about Christmas when I was growing up was the time spent in my grandparents homes on that day and I'm not going to have McKenzie spend her first Christmas without any of her grandparents around. You want snow for Christmas; there will be snow up at the cabin. You wanted a family Christmas; my parents are family. We're going to my parents."

"I do not want to spend Christmas with them, Kate. They don't celebrate it with joy like normal people do."

"At the rate you're going, we're not going to be celebrating it with joy. My parents will do just fine for McKenzie's sake; I have no doubt about that."

"Well I do."

"Well I don't care…just like you didn't care how Alexis would feel with us tagging along to Vermont."

"You only want to go to your parents because Alexis brought it up," Castle stated. "You haven't wanted to spend Christmas with them in all this time so why change now, Kate?"

"Maybe because things are different now, Castle; did you ever think about that. I don't want McKenzie to grow up and realize that she never shared Christmas with her grandparents. I don't want my parents excluded every time Christmas rolls around…and maybe I feel like it's time. I haven't spent Christmas with them since 1998…that's a long time…and the past few Christmases, I've chosen you over them…and I cherish every memory we've made on those Christmases but I could've made room for them too. So the way you feel right now about Alexis is how my parents have felt the last three years. It hurt them…and in the long run I'm hurting myself too because I threw away opportunities to have better memories with them…memories that could push out the years we had to spend apart. Now I'm a mother myself…and I want my baby to share holidays with my family too. I want to see my parents on Christmas…and this year, I'm going to and so is McKenzie."

"Even though I don't want to go?" Castle asked.

"Yeah; because you know what, every time I brought up a doubt about going to Vermont, you said we were going anyway. So McKenzie and I are going to my parents…we would love for you to go with us; if not, then I guess you'll be spending Christmas here alone. I don't want you to be alone on Christmas; you belong with us…"

"Then stay here and the three of us will have Christmas together," her husband replied. "Call your parents and tell them to come back to the city because our plans have changed; that way they can stay in their house and we can be in ours."

"You don't mind spending Christmas in a ski lodge but you don't want to spend it under my parents roof?"

"No, I don't; I think I've made that clear, Kate."

"What do you think they're going to do to you, Castle? Tie you up and throw you in the basement?"

"No; I just…don't care to spend more time than necessary in their home."

"I think for your wife and baby you can survive it for a few days…you might even like it; it'll be like a hotel, my mother will provide the meals and cleaning and you won't have to tip her."

"Kate," he sighed. "I just don't want to…I would honestly rather have Christmas here with no one else but you and McKenzie than drive up to the mountains to be with your parents."

"So you don't care that I want to see my family on Christmas? It's your way of celebrating or no way, right?"

"At least we have a way; they don't."

"You don't know what they do to celebrate up there. They say they decorate, Mom cooks a holiday meal. It doesn't have to be an overblown production, Castle. You wanted a family Christmas and whether you like it or not; my parents are family."

"I know, you keep telling me."

"Because you make me feel like I have to," she replied. "Why don't you just admit it, you don't like my parents."

Castle breathed deeply. "I like your parents fine…I just don't like to spend an overabundance of time with them."

"Well you better get over it because we're going," Kate said; "We already packed, we've got an SUV and we were invited. McKenzie and I are leaving tomorrow…you can either be in the car with us or you can stay here and pout alone. Your choice…make the right one, Castle; because if you don't, you won't be having a happy new year, I can assure you of that."

With that said; she turned on her heel and stormed out of his office, slamming his door behind her. He breathed deeply and sank back into his chair; suddenly this holiday was a huge pain in the ass. He could have Christmas alone or he could spend Christmas with the Becketts…neither one was appealing in the slightest. What he wouldn't give to fast forward all the way into the new year so this mess could be behind him.

* * *

Jim had a feeling of contentment as he swallowed the last sip of coffee in his mug as he and Johanna sat at the kitchen table that evening. She had made his mother's family famous seasoned pork chops and potatoes that were baked in the oven. He always liked when she pulled out one of his mother's best recipes for a meal but he liked it even more when she cooked something of Elizabeth Beckett's when they were at the cabin. It made it feel like she was still a part of things…like he could feel a bit of her spirit there in the kitchen where she had made that same meal many decades ago when he was growing up and they were at the cabin on vacation. He breathed in the lingering scent of the meal, allowing it to remind him of his mother and times that had been spent there with her and his father and siblings.

He knew his oldest brother had been unhappy that their father had left the cabin to him but he was glad for it; after all he felt like he was the one who had loved the place as much as his father had. He liked to come here and be in the home his father built with his own two hands…liked that while he and Johanna had made some changes over the years to make the place theirs, they had also left many things the same to keep Robert and Elizabeth alive in the essence of the home. They had kept their antique bedroom suite; his father's desk and his mother's favorite painting in the den. The family pictures his mother had hung on the walls were still there along with the photos they had added over the years; his grandmother's piano was there in the living room…his father's favorite leather chair was still in the den as well. Some of their belongings were in the attic…his father's fishing rod still in the basement where he had hung it the last time he had put it away. He could feel them there; could remember happy times with them…happy times with Johanna and Katie; sometimes just the three of them…sometimes there with his parents and a collection of some of his siblings and their children. It was a good place to be; a place to find peace, to find happiness, to put yourself back together…and now it was the place where he and Johanna were learning how to have Christmas again.

"You're thinking pretty hard over there," Johanna said after she ate the last bite of her pork chop. "Was the dinner okay?"

Jim gave her a smile. "Of course, sweetheart; it was perfect. I always like when you make Mom's pork chops and potatoes."

"They're my favorite thing that Liz made; besides her soups, she did make the best soups. But I always loved her pork chops best…I remember that one time when I was pregnant and I had a craving for them and I begged you to call and ask her to make them. I thought you'd pretend it was for you and you told her I was the one who wanted them," she laughed.

He chuckled with her. "She made them though…wouldn't even let me have seconds until you had gotten all you wanted. She said her grandchild's needs came before mine."

"I remember that," she laughed. "I was a little surprised she did it though; you know we were still touch and go at times."

"I know; but I think she was pleased that you liked this meal so much that you craved it."

"I always tried to let her know how much I liked it when she made this meal."

"I know; and she knew it too…that's why she taught you how to make it after a few years."

"I'm glad she did," Johanna replied; "Because now I can make it for you and you can still have something that she made for you when you were a kid."

"That's what I like best too; thank you for making it tonight. It makes it feel like a part of her is here with us."

"No problem," she said warmly. "They're always with us; don't doubt that."

"I don't. Did you get all your secret gifts wrapped?" he asked. When they had gotten home from the movie, she had gotten the pork chops and potatoes ready to go into the oven and then she had locked herself in the bedroom to wrap the gifts she had bought the day before while he had watched a bit of a basketball game on TV.

"Yes, I did. When are you going to wrap your secret gifts?" Johanna asked.

"Oh, I figure I'll get up early tomorrow and do it while you sleep in," he teased. "That way I know you won't be thinking up reasons to walk into the room while I'm doing it."

Her eyes sparkled in amusement. "You shouldn't be mean like that; you know I did set through that damn Star Wars movie today."

"And you only said you hated it three times while it was still playing," he said lightly.

"That's a lot less than the first time I sat through one of those movies."

"That's probably true," he said with a nod. "I do thank you for darkening your phone screen and turning your apps to dark mode when you got bored and needed to amuse yourself."

"Anything for you, babe," she said with a smile, her tone carrying a note of sass as she picked up her plate and rose from the table.

Jim laughed as he picked up his plate and followed her to the sink. "Any dessert tonight?"

"I haven't had time to bake anything yet," Johanna replied; "But we do have some ice cream in the freezer; we could have some of that after I finish cleaning up."

"Sounds good," he said as he helped her gather up the dishes. "We can watch a movie while we have our ice cream."

"It's a date, handsome," she quipped, stealing a quick kiss.

Jim smiled as he tugged her into his arms. "What do you want to do tomorrow?"

Johanna thought about it for a moment as she wrapped her arms around him. "Tomorrow I think I want to just stay in…cuddle up with you on the couch, be lazy, eat junk food and have a marathon of one of our favorite old shows we brought with us."

"That sounds perfect," he replied, catching her lips in a kiss. "I think this is turning out to be a pretty nice vacation."

"It is," Johanna agreed. "We've been having a nice time, we've been out a good bit…and tomorrow we'll have our cozy just you and me day inside…and it might go so well that we have a repeat the next day."

"It just keeps getting better," he said warmly. "While you start the dishes, I'll turn on the tree and the other Christmas lights and then I'll find us a movie to watch; no Sci-Fi, I promise. I'll find something we both like…and then I'll help you finish up in here so you'll be done sooner and we can settle in."

"Okay; I'll get started," she told him, her arms releasing him so he could go complete his tasks while she tended to hers. She was so glad they were there, she thought to herself as she turned to the sink. It was so peaceful and relaxing and she loved having so much time with him; no visitors, no phone calls…just the two of them in a warm little bubble of contentment. It was perfect…and it felt like the best Christmas gift she could've gotten even if she hadn't realized it when they had started out but now she wouldn't change it for the world.


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews; sorry for the delay. Life has been stressful and it doesn't always inspire the words to flow._

Chapter 11

"I really don't want to do this," Castle said the next day as he watched Kate gather up items for the spare diaper bag she was packing full of McKenzie's belongings. "I don't know why we can't just stay home since you refuse to use the reservations in Vermont.

"You wanted to travel," Kate replied as she continued to pack. "You wanted snow; there's snow at the cabin."

"I don't want snow that badly."

"Oh no you don't," she said; meeting his gaze. "You wanted a white Christmas; remember that was part of the tale you told me when you were plotting this trip to Vermont to horn in on Alexis's vacation so I'm going to make sure you have your white Christmas."

He sighed deeply. "Isn't there a hotel up there somewhere in that wilderness?"

"Yes; in the town nearby."

"Can't we at least stay there?"

"No; there won't be a Christmas tree for McKenzie there."

"There probably won't be one at your mother's either."

"She puts a tree up at the cabin, Castle," Kate stated. "If you want to stay at a hotel, go ahead; but McKenzie and I are staying with my parents."

Castle's eyes narrowed slightly. "You know, McKenzie is my baby too. I could say McKenzie and I are staying at a hotel and you can join us or go stay with your mother," he retorted.

"Yeah; you could say that," Kate replied; "And then I'd tell you to kiss my ass while I carried my baby out the door, leaving you here with your mother. No offense, Martha."

"None taken," Martha said as she sat on the couch with McKenzie on her lap. "Richard; why are you being so uptight? You're being a bear for no reason."

"Don't you have a plane to catch?" he asked.

"Not until four," she replied; "Now why are you carrying on so much?"

"Because I don't want to stay with the Becketts," Castle remarked. "I wanted a family Christmas but you and Alexis have abandoned me and my wife doesn't care how I feel."

"You're right; this time I don't," Kate said sharply; "Because you didn't care how Alexis would feel about you showing up on her trip and because you don't care how I feel!"

"It's hard to tell how you feel sometimes, Kate; you bounce back and forth like a ping pong ball…especially when Johanna pulls her guilt card and sheds a few tears. You fold like a house of cards when it comes to her. You know, I thought the umbilical cord between the two of you had been cut along time ago but seems like you've become re-tethered since having McKenzie."

Anger and hurt flashed in her eyes. "You know what, Castle; stay here. I'll take my daughter and spend Christmas with my family and you can stay here because I wouldn't want you to sully yourself by slumming it with the Becketts because that's what it comes down to; you think you're better than them…well guess what, you're not!"

"I never said I was better than them."

"You don't have to; it comes through loud and clear."

"I don't think I'm better!" he exclaimed.

"It's either that or the fact that you hate my parents," Kate retorted.

"I don't hate them," he said through clenched teeth.

"I think you do."

"No; I don't hate them…I just don't like being with them," he remarked. "Your mother is one of the most high maintenance women I've ever seen and your father is her lord protector…I'm not even sure he has a backbone when it comes to her; I think he just bows down to her because he has her built up as some Queen in his mind and she believes she's one because he convinced her of it."

"First of all," Kate said sharply; "My mother is not high maintenance; she just doesn't fawn over you and for the most part, she doesn't put up with your bullshit and you can't stand it that there's a woman out there who isn't charmed by you. Number two; my father has more backbone than you can imagine; he doesn't just bow down to her and she doesn't bow down to him; their marriage is one of mutual respect and love; they work together, it's not a one sided operation. That's why their marriage has lasted. I don't care that you don't like them…they're my parents and I love them; they're McKenzie's grandparents and she loves them…and they're going to be in our lives whether you like it or not."

"Not liking to be with them doesn't mean I'm trying to keep them out of your life or McKenzie's," Castle replied.

"Oh I know it doesn't; because I won't stand for it…and we're going to the cabin for Christmas; because you know what I don't like, Castle?"

"What?" he asked.

"I don't like book parties," Kate said; her voice trembling. "I hate listening to those windbags from your publishing company. I hate how you seem to forget I'm even there when talking to these people I don't even know and have nothing in common with…the ones that look at me like I don't belong with you. But you know what, I go to every single one because I love you and I want to support you and it's important to you. I go, for you…and now you can quit being a bigger baby than McKenzie and load the goddamn car and get in it and go with us to my parents house for Christmas whether you like it or not. You owe me one."

"You've never said anything about disliking book parties," he stated.

"Yeah; because I didn't want to hurt you," Kate replied; "But you don't mind hurting me when you're standing there talking about my family. My mother went to all of those stupid lunches with you…and I thought maybe it worked for the most part because things got better…but now it's like you're backtracking all because you're so jealous that you have to share me and McKenzie with her and Dad. Well it's time to get over it, Rick. Things are different for you this time around. You have a wife who has a family that cares about her and wants to be a part of her life!"

"Can't they be a part of it in a less invasive way?" Castle asked.

"How are they invasive?" Martha asked from her spot on the couch. "They don't come over here unless they're invited and that's not often."

"I just feel like everything gets passed by them to see where they stand on everything," he remarked.

"That's not true," Kate replied. "You're just looking for any reason to keep them out of our holiday."

"You're the one who never wanted to spend Christmas with them!" he exclaimed, making McKenzie flinch.

"Richard," Martha chastened as she held the baby close. "You startled McKenzie; knock it off."

"Sorry, jellybean," Castle said as he glanced at his daughter. "But the point stands."

"No, I didn't want to spend holidays with them before…but this year I feel like I'm ready…I want to give us the chance to be different this year. McKenzie's here now and everyone gives their best for her."

"It seems like an awful quick turn of face," he remarked.

"I didn't know I wasn't allowed to think things through and change my mind," she said as she stormed to the kitchen.

"Any chance of you changing your mind again?"

"No," she said sharply. "I want this."

"I don't think it's going to be the Christmas we want for McKenzie."

"You don't know that," Kate retorted; "It might be the best Christmas we could imagine; you don't know."

"I have a feeling I do know," he muttered.

"Where's the baby food?" Kate asked as she searched the kitchen

"In the cupboard where it always is," her husband replied.

"No, I mean the extra baby food I had on the shopping list yesterday. You said you got everything"

"I didn't see any point in buying more when we have a cupboard full here at home," Castle replied. "It's not like we're moving in with your parents for the winter."

She sighed. "We're going to be there for several days which means we need to take a good bit with us…I asked you to buy extra so we could just take it and not worry about being low here as soon as we got back. Why can't you just do what I ask once in awhile?"

"Why can't we just stay home or go to Vermont like I asked?" he retorted.

"Really we need to do this again?" Kate asked; "Let's see, we can't go to Vermont because, one, you lied to me about the real reason you wanted to go. Two; we're not going to Vermont because Alexis is going to be there with Max and we're not going to invade her privacy. Three; we're not staying home because you claimed you wanted snow and a family Christmas…well; there is snow in the mountains of New York and that happens to be where a part of our family is, so that's where we're going."

"Your family," he muttered.

"Yeah; mine and your daughter's," she said sharply. "Get used to it because they aren't going anywhere. Now I guess I'll run to the store and get what McKenzie needs since you were too busy buying teething tablets that I said she couldn't have instead of the food she needs."

"I'll go get it," Castle said tensely.

"No, I'll go," Kate remarked. "Because I should know by now that if I want something done, I have to do it myself."

"I said I'll go," he exclaimed, grabbing his keys as she grabbed her jacket from the back of a chair.

"Why don't you both go," Martha suggested. "Then McKenzie and I can have some time alone."

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Kate asked as she drifted toward them.

"Not at all; you two go do your shopping; we'll be just fine."

"We both don't need to go," Castle stated; "I'm capable of shopping for baby food."

"So am I," his wife stated. "I'm going; either come with me or stay here."

"Fine," he said as he jerked the door open and waved her ahead of him. "We'll be back, Mother."

"Don't hurry," Martha remarked.

The door closed and she sighed deeply, hearing their bickering in the hallway until finally she heard the hum of the elevator and then the voices fading away…silence filling the air. What a beautiful sound, she thought to herself as she stood McKenzie on her lap so they'd be eye to eye. "Finally; they're gone!" she said dramatically, making her granddaughter giggle.

Martha smiled at her granddaughter. "Well, kiddo; I think it's going to be a rough Christmas for you. Your parents are set on bickering…which I know has been the norm around here the last few weeks…which why I haven't been home as much."

McKenzie grinned at her as if she had known her grandmother's secret all along.

"I'm getting too old to listen to that nonsense all the time," Martha went on, her eyes sparkling with amusement as she smiled at her granddaughter. "Ben said I could move in with him…but I declined. I like being with him very much…but I like the freedom of knowing I have a place of my own…so to speak. He understands…he may be he first man who has really ever understood me and my ways. I know I probably should move out of here…but I don't want to leave you, my darling girl," she said, cuddling McKenzie close to her chest as she pressed soft kisses to her cheek.

She breathed in that soft baby scent of her granddaughter as McKenzie's small hands found her necklace and toyed with it. "Your daddy is mad at me," she stated.

"Dada!" McKenzie exclaimed.

"Yes; Dada is mad at Grammy," Martha stated with a nod. "I knew he wouldn't be thrilled that I wasn't going to be here for Christmas…but I didn't expect the cold shoulder either but he's in a strange mood this month. It's not that I don't want to have Christmas with all of you; I do…but I want to have Christmas with Ben too. We've never shared the actual day of Christmas together…I'm always here and he's always in Phoenix with his family. When he invited me and told me that his family wanted to get to know me…I thought maybe just this once it would be alright to do something different. After all, your daddy has you and your Mommy…and even with Alexis going away, he won't be alone."

"Dadadada," the baby babbled.

"Yes; Daddy does like it all to be about him sometimes; I'd blame myself for that but I don't think it's possible that I spoiled him," she laughed. "But that's beside the point. You know I love your daddy; he is my greatest accomplishment…but I chose to follow my heart this Christmas; my heart wants to be with Ben…and I hope he can understand that when he's tired of being angry and I hope one day you'll understand why I missed this Christmas. I just needed to do this for myself this time…and believe me, darling; it's been a long time since I _wanted _to spend the holidays with a man. Ben is different than the others…and darling, you've got to grab your opportunities when you can."

McKenzie replied in a stream of babble that she nodded to as if she understood completely. "That's right; when an opportunity comes along and it feels right; you have to grab it…there are times when it doesn't turn out right but a lot of times it does…and some times fall in between. If I hadn't grabbed opportunities all my life; I might not have had your father…although I do with that I had done some things differently. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having him; I wouldn't change that for anything. I just wish I could've chosen him a better father. One that would've been around…one who would've had the decency at least not to give me a fake name," Martha said before sighing deeply; shifting McKenzie into her arms so that she could cradle her. "Somewhere out there is a very cowardly man who doesn't know that he missed out on a wonderful son and two beautiful granddaughters. Don't ever pick a man like that…more than that; don't pick a man at an after party…they never stay, darling."

McKenzie's gaze remained upon her face as if she was giving the advice serious consideration. Martha smiled; dipping her head to kiss the baby's forehead. "I wish it could've been the way it is with your other grandparents. Your Grandpa walks into a room and your Grandma's face just lights up…and when she walks into a room, she is all he sees. They found their perfect match in each other and they found it early. Grammy here on the other hand, well, darling; we'll just hope you haven't inherited my faulty picker when it comes to men. Grammy fully admits that she made some bad choices; sometimes because she didn't see the forest for the trees…sometimes out of necessity…and sometimes because I was lonely. But Ben is different; he's the kind of man I wish I had met long ago. That's why just this once, I have to do something for myself and go with him for Christmas."

The baby cooed at her, her hand finding the long chain of Martha's necklace once again. "I'm glad you understand," she told her. "I hope you'll still understand when you're told I wasn't here for your first Christmas. I know it's important…but you're not going to remember it. I'd much rather be here for the ones where you're excited and you'll remember everyone being around. I think Alexis feels the same way; she can go with Max this time and she'll have Christmases with you that you'll remember. That's another reason your daddy is cranky; your sister finally stood up to him and proved to him that she's a grown woman with her own mind."

Her granddaughter smiled up at her, content to be cradled in her arms as she rattled on to her. She couldn't help but smile; she liked her chats with her granddaughter. "It's not that we want to miss your first Christmas; it's just that we have to follow our hearts this time…one day you'll do the same thing…and your father will lose his mind again. It's easier for me to go though knowing that you're going to your Grandma's for Christmas."

"MaMaMa!" McKenzie exclaimed.

"That's right," Martha laughed; "You're going to go be with your Grandma and your Grandpa and I'm so happy for you. They will of course be a part of those future Christmases that you'll remember…but just between us; I think they need this one with you…especially your Grandma. This is a sad time of year for her but she's trying so hard to get past it for your sake. She doesn't say much about it but I know…it shows in little ways. You know, she and I didn't always get along so well…we're both a bit hotheaded when provoked and we did step on each others toes a lot…but then you came along and we agreed that we didn't have time for that nonsense when we had a grandbaby to share. It's better now and so I think I know her a little better than I did before…and I think if she could wake up on Christmas morning and have you on her lap and your Grandpa beside her and your Mommy too; that she'd feel a lot better about this holiday. She might be able to forget the sad memories if she could make some new ones with you…so I'm okay with letting her have this one solo this year; she needs it…she needs you and your mommy just like I need to do something for me this time. Your daddy doesn't agree with any of this…he's not very open to change when it comes to the family and how things are always done…but things have changed and he's going to have to adjust with the rest of us."

"Dadadada."

She laughed softly. "Yes; he's the one who has to do some settling this time around. He's going against everything he hoped to accomplish before you were born. He's trying to push your Grandma out again…he's trying to hold on too tight to your sister…he's trying to show your mother he knows more about parenting. He's trying to guilt me for loving another man. I don't know what we're going to do with him…I guess we'll just have to love him despite how much he tries our patience and nerves when he's in one of these moods. Hopefully your parents will quit bickering when you get to your grandparents house…I don't see Johanna putting up with it for long if they don't…they'll be sorry," she said with a lilt to her voice that made McKenzie giggle. "She just might keep you and throw them out in the snow."

The baby giggled once more and she kissed her forehead, reveling in the sound. "It's going to be a rough one this year, my darling girl; Alexis needs to be with Max, I need to be with Ben…your Grandma needs to be with you…and I think your Mommy needs to be with Grandma…she's got that look in her eye; the one of a woman who needs her mother to help soothe her. Of course the problem in all of this is your Daddy who needs everything to stay in the order he prefers it to be in…and we've all changed the game…so we're all in trouble with him but if he'll allow himself, I'm sure he'll have a happy Christmas."

"Mama," McKenzie said. "Mama."

"Mama will be back," Martha told her. "I think Mama will be happy to have a Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa for a change. I think she's ready…your Daddy just needs to realize that and relax. He needs to see that change isn't necessarily a bad thing."

Her granddaughter huffed out a small breath as if the whole thing troubled her too. "Don't worry, little one; it'll all work out in the end. No matter what you'll have a nice Christmas…if your parents don't see to it, your Grandma will and she'll send me pictures of you so I won't miss anything…well, that's not entirely true; I will miss you," she said, kissing her cheek. "I love you; don't you doubt that while you're daddy is talking about on the drive to the mountains."

McKenzie grinned at her and she smiled in return. "I know, darling; you love me too…you may be the only in this house who will love me while I'm in Phoenix but that's okay because you're my favorite anyway," she said in a stage whisper. "Now that we've got that all straight; let's go get your diaper changed before they get back. We have to enjoy our peace while we still have it."

* * *

Awhile later, Martha was making faces at her granddaughter as she played with her while her son and daughter-in-law moved around the loft, making sure everything was packed and ready to go in between their bickering. She sighed a little; her own bags were packed and sitting by the door, waiting for Ben to arrive so that they could get to the airport early. She hated to admit it but it would be a relief to get away for awhile. The tension lately was nearly unbearable and she worried that if things didn't change soon; her son would be heading for his third divorce…and Kate wasn't going to just hand McKenzie over like Meredith had handed over Alexis. No; there would be a battle and she didn't want to ever see that happen. She didn't relish the idea of him following in her footsteps with a third divorce either. Once you reached the third divorce you had to start taking into consideration that the problem may not be just the other person…it might be you.

She blew out a breath which made McKenzie giggle, bringing a smile to her lips as she tickled her granddaughter who was sitting in her walker. Hopefully another divorce wouldn't be added to the family ledger; they had enough of those. Surely they'd get it together again and they'd be fine with some effort by both parties…but then again; they were both very stubborn.

"Martha," Kate said; "Can you lift McKenzie out of the walker so I can fold it up. Rick needs to put it in the car."

"We're taking the playpen, why do we need to haul the walker with us too?" Castle asked. "She can play in the playpen…which is the point in the playpen in the first place."

"I'm taking it so we don't have to carry the playpen up and down the stairs every day," Kate replied. "I figure we can leave the playpen setup upstairs for her naps and bedtime and she can have her walker downstairs when she isn't crawling around. I intended to take it with us no matter where we went."

"Well I didn't," he remarked as Martha lifted the baby out of the walker. "The suite in Vermont would've had a crib for McKenzie to sleep in."

"And what would we do with her the rest of the time?" she asked. "She does need to be contained sometimes."

"This is why we should just stay home," he retorted; "Now we not only have to take the gifts, we have to haul baby furniture with us too and I'm telling you right now, the highchair won't fit so if you're thinking that's next, you're wrong."

"I don't need the highchair," Kate said as she cleared off the loose toys and folded up the walker. "McKenzie can sit in the walker and be fed or she can sit on my lap. Now, I'm taking this down to the car. I'll be back."

"I'll take it," he said, taking it from her hands. "I'll get it in the right way…but no more stuff! The SUV is packed between the luggage, the gifts and baby furniture. We are done packing, Kate. So sit down and quit looking for more."

"Hey, you're the one who said it would be fun to travel for the holiday."

"I said it would be fun to go skiing; not that it would be fun to go sit in the wilderness with your parents."

"Stay home if you don't want to go," she retorted; "But McKenzie and I are going."

"I'm not going to miss my daughter's first Christmas…unlike some people who don't find it important enough to be around for," he replied; "So I'll go to the middle of nowhere with you so you can be with your mommy and punish me for my supposed misdeed."

"Richard," Martha sighed. "Just relax, dear; everything will be fine. No one is saying McKenzie's Christmas isn't important, it's just that some of us have other important things to consider as well…and she does have more family than just you and I and Alexis to consider. I'm sure Johanna and Jim will be overjoyed to have her in their home for the holiday."

"I'm sure they will be; they'll realize their guilt trips on Kate work."

"Kiddo, you need to calm down about all of this. Christmas is what you make it…and at the rate you're going, you're going to make it miserable…not only for yourself but for everyone around you. With all the fighting that's been going on around here, I'm glad I accepted Ben's invitation to Phoenix…there isn't much peace on earth going on around here."

"So the truth comes out," he stated; "You're not going to Phoenix because you want to be with Ben; you're going because you want to get away from us."

"No," Martha said with a shake of her head. "I am going because I want to spend the holiday with Ben and I feel I've earned the right to do so. I'm saying the invitation was even more appealing because of the tension around here lately."

"Whatever gets you through the night, Mother," he remarked before heading to the door with McKenzie's walker.

"I'm sorry about all the bickering lately, Martha," Kate stated once he was gone. "We just don't seem to be on the same page lately."

"It's alright, dear; I didn't mean any offense…just sort of stating the obvious."

Her daughter-in-law nodded. "I know…I don't blame you for being glad to get away. If it wasn't for it being Christmas…I would just take McKenzie and go to my parents on my own. I don't know what's happening lately…if we just need space or if we just need some time away without the baby and work and everything else. My Dad suggested that we go skiing for New Year's weekend and they'd keep the baby but he didn't want anything to do with that idea because I didn't think of it myself," she said with a sad smile. "It made me feel like he doesn't want to be alone with me unless it's strictly on his terms."

"Come here, darling," Martha said, holding an arm out to her so that she'd join them on the sofa.

Kate went willingly, settling into the circle of her mother-in-law's unoccupied arm as her daughter cooed at them. "Hard times come to every marriage," Martha remarked. "Sometimes it just takes awhile to work out the bugs…especially when your husband insists on being the bug."

"Should I spray him with Raid?" she asked.

Martha laughed. "Only if it becomes an emergency…now a smack with the fly swatter now and then is very reasonable. Richard is up in arms about Christmas and Alexis…me…being a father again and having to share the duty. He never did like to share his toys. Maybe once the holidays pass he'll settle down and you can aim for the weekend getaway again."

Kate sighed. "That would be nice if things settled down after Christmas."

"Have faith, dear; this too shall pass."

"I hope so," she settled, accepting the squeeze Martha gave her. "When is Ben picking you up?"

"He should be here any minute; he said it would be best for us to get to the airport early."

"That's true," she replied; "It's a mad house at this time of year; which I'm sure you know."

"I know; it's the only part I hate," Martha laughed; "That and saying goodbye to this one," she said, dropping a kiss against her granddaughter's hair.

"She'll be here when you get back…but I'm sure she'll miss you."

"I'll miss her too…but I'm glad you're going to your mother's," Martha remarked. "I think it's time the two of you made some new memories for Christmas…and what better memories for her than ones of her granddaughter being on her lap on Christmas morning?"

Kate smiled. "I am hoping it breaks recent trends…I do feel like it's time…even if my husband doesn't."

"It's alright for him not to have his way sometimes, darling," she replied. "In fact, it's good for him. It keeps him grounded. This time you get to do what's best for you and McKenzie."

"I'm glad you understand," she murmured.

"I do," her mother-in-law assured. "And once Richard settles down and decides to do his share of listening, he'll understand too."

"I guess only time will tell about that," Kate said; hearing the sound of the elevator which she was sure denoted her husband's return.

Castle swept through the door a few moments later. "Did you get the walker in?" Kate asked.

"Yes; and with the exception of us, McKenzie, your purse and the diaper bags; nothing else is going in."

"Fine," she replied; picking up the toys she had taken off the tray of the walker. She rose from the sofa and carried them to the diaper bag sitting on the table and squeezed them into one of the pockets.

"Kate; we don't need to take everything she owns!" he exclaimed.

"We're not!"

"She has a whole suitcase full of her wardrobe in the car like we're going to be there for a month."

"She goes through a lot of clothes, Castle. I'd rather have too much than not enough."

"I think we could've found a happy medium but you don't want to listen to someone who has experience traveling with a child."

"Oh I don't know; I think I do have experience traveling with a child…I have done some traveling with you; Mr. that's my window seat, the champagne is flat and they didn't give me enough peanuts."

He smirked at her. "Cute."

Kate sighed deeply. "Can you just chill out about this? You're the one who set this ball rolling. If you hadn't thought up the Vermont thing, my parents would've stayed in town to be near McKenzie…but no, you lied to me about Vermont so you could follow Alexis. So now, with Martha going to Arizona and Alexis in Vermont, our only way to give McKenzie family for Christmas is to go to my parents."

"She'd have family here at home; me and you."

"I want her to have grandparents with her for the holiday; I'm not going to have her see none of her grandparents just because you had to be an ass and start all of this. Things will be fine at my parents. You act like you're going to an execution."

"That would probably be more fun," he muttered.

Kate opened her mouth to speak and then closed it, shaking her as she did so before she finally sorted her thoughts into words. "You know what, I don't care if you have a good time or not but McKenzie and I are going to enjoy Christmas with my family in any way we can. You can either be a part of it or you can continue to be a self centered ass. The choice is yours. As soon as Ben picks Martha up, we're heading out."

The doorbell rang before anyone could speak. "And there he is now," Kate remarked.

"Not a moment too soon," Martha stated as she rose from the sofa with McKenzie on her hip and breezed to the door.

Ben smiled. "Hello, dear; are you ready to go?"

"I will be as soon as I put my coat on and say goodbye," Martha said as he kissed her cheek.

"No hurry, we'll get there in plenty of time," he said as he brushed a finger against McKenzie's chin. "I've got something for you, little doll," he remarked, handing McKenzie a small soft bodied baby doll.

McKenzie squealed happily as she pulled the doll close. "That was very sweet of you," Martha told him. "Wasn't that nice of Ben, McKenzie?"

"Her smile is thanks enough," Ben said as he smiled at the baby.

"McKenzie," Castle said; "That gift is to make it up to you for taking your grandmother away at Christmas."

"Castle!" Kate said sharply as she took McKenzie from Martha's arms so she could put her coat on. "Don't mind him, Ben; he's cranky today. It was very sweet of you to think of McKenzie."

"It was my pleasure," he assured. "My little granddaughter Chloe loved little baby dolls like that when she was McKenzie's age…now she's moved up to the more expensive baby dolls that eat and talk and do everything under the sun."

"I'm sure McKenzie will make fast friends with her new doll," Kate said with a smile as she glanced down at her daughter who was kissing her baby doll's head.

Ben glanced to Castle. "Are you upset with me for taking your mother away, Rick?"

"A little," he stated.

"Castle!" Kate chastened once more.

"Oh that's alright, Kate," Ben said with a smile. "I know how it is; boys don't like to share their mothers; but I assure you, Rick; that I will make sure your mother has a wonderful Christmas."

"I hope you do since she won't have any family of her own out there," he commented.

"She will be welcomed by my family with open arms," Ben assured; "But if you'd like to come along, I can make arrangements for you at our hotel."

"That's not necessary, darling," Martha said, pulling on her gloves once her handbag was hooked over her arm. "They're spending Christmas with Kate's parents at their vacation home in the mountains."

"That sounds lovely," Ben remarked. "I hope you'll have a nice time."

"Me too," Kate said; casting a subtle glance at her husband as Martha lifted the baby from her arms.

"Come here, kiddo," Martha said; cuddling her close for a moment before pressing kisses to her cheeks. "I love you, McKenzie; I hope you have a nice Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa. I'll see you as soon as I get back. Give me kisses."

McKenzie grinned and then pressed her hands to her grandmother's cheeks and bestowed her brand of sloppy kisses upon her, making Martha laugh. "Thank you, darling," she said, giving her one last squeeze. "Be a good girl; I'll see you soon," she remarked, handing her back to Kate so that she could wipe her face before she hugged her daughter-in-law. "Have a wonderful Christmas with your parents, Kate; and if necessary, smack Richard upside his head if he doesn't quit acting like a bear."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kate replied. "Have a good time, Martha; let us know you got there safely."

"I will, dear. You do the same."

"I promise."

Martha then turned to her son and opened her arms for a hug. "Richard; give this trip a chance," she told him quietly as he hugged her. "It's alright to try something different this Christmas."

"That's what we're doing," he told her with a tight lipped smile. "I hope you have a nice Christmas, Mother. I'll see you when you get back."

"I do intend to call every so often," Martha stated as she and Ben began picking up their luggage.

He nodded indulgently. "Sure. Have a safe flight."

"Alright," Martha said, turning to give them one last look. "Give my best to Johanna and Jim. I'll see you in the new year, kiddos."

"Bye, Martha," Kate replied as she helped McKenzie wave at her. "Bye, Ben; thanks for McKenzie's doll."

"No problem," he said; "Have a nice Christmas, kids."

Castle closed the door behind them and then turned toward his wife. "Can we compromise and just drive up to your parents on Christmas Day for a few hours and then come back home that same night?"

"No, if we're going, I want to be there long enough to enjoy it. We're already packed, the car is loaded. I'm going to change McKenzie and get her ready to go and then we're leaving…so either get ready to go with us or bring yourself up on Christmas Day if that's what you want but we're going."

"Fine," Castle replied as he turned and headed for the bedroom; "But this isn't the Christmas I wanted."

"Yeah, well, sometimes we don't always get what we want, Castle. Maybe this year I get the Christmas I want," Kate stated as she headed for the stairs with McKenzie.

* * *

"This is nice," Johanna said as she leaned against Jim while they watched another episode of Rockford Files.

"It is," her husband agreed; "It's been very nice to just be lazy today…to just hang around here with you doing nothing but watching a show and eating junk food."

She laughed softly. "It is a good way to spend a day. I think we've earned it."

"I think so too," Jim replied. "We should try to get up here more often."

"I'd like that; but it's hard to do with work and the baby."

"I know…but we could try," he said. "In the summer we come up on weekends a good bit and spend at least one full week. I say we make it two…and that we try to add more weekends through the year. We could ask Rick to pick McKenzie up a half day one Friday a month or even every other month so we could come up here for a weekend."

She nodded as she shifted to see him better. "I guess we could try to find more time to spend here. It is peaceful…it's nice to get away from everything for awhile."

"You know what my favorite part of getting away from everything is?" Jim asked he slipped his arm around her.

"What?"

"Having you all to myself," he replied with a smile; it was true, he did love these times when it was just the two of them; her face scrubbed clean of makeup, walking around in a pair of soft leggings and an old comfortable t-shirt, her feet bare. They had nowhere to go and nothing to do but be together. They were the most perfect moments in his mind.

Her hand caressed his cheek. "It's my favorite part too…I do love getting to monopolize you."

"I'm all yours," he grinned before capturing her lips in a kiss.

Johanna settled into his arms, losing herself in his kisses until something broke through the haze. "Did you hear something?" she asked Jim.

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "What did you hear?"

"Kind of sounded like a car."

Jim shook his head once again. "It was probably on TV; there isn't anyone around here, sweetheart. It's you and me…nice and cozy."

She smiled. "Very true…but don't forget Scarlett."

"Of course not," he said; "But you'll notice that she's also indulging in lazy day…she's napping in our room."

"Then I guess we are truly alone," she murmured mischievously.

"Yes…all alone…so it's my job to keep you entertained."

A grin curved her lips upward. "What do you have in mind, handsome?"

"Oh, I've got a few things in mind," Jim replied; his eyes gleaming with love and amusement as he caught her lips in another series of kisses until they pulled apart at the sound of a knock on the door. "I didn't hear that," he stated.

"Who could that be?" she whispered.

"It can't be anyone we'd know," he murmured back. "I say we don't answer it and they'll go away."

The knock sounded again. "Mom!" a voice called out.

"Katie?" they both murmured to each other before Jim got up and headed for the door.

Jim unlocked the door and pulled it open, finding his daughter and granddaughter on the other side. "Katie," he said.

"I was starting to think you weren't going to answer the door," Kate said as she carried her fussy daughter on her hip, carseat in hand as she moved into the house.

"What are you doing here?" Johanna asked as she got up from the couch.

"We're here for Christmas," Kate replied as she held the baby out to her. "Go to Grandma, maybe she'll make you feel better."

Johanna took McKenzie into her arms as Jim returned to her side. "What's wrong with her?" she asked as her granddaughter wiggled excitedly.

"She's been in a car with us," Kate replied; "It wasn't a nice place to be which is why she's already out of her carseat. I'll help Castle unload the car," she said as she headed back to the door and slipped outside.

Johanna glanced to her husband. "What just happened?"

"I had you alone on a couch," Jim replied; "That's like shining a bat signal into the sky in terms of the universe. It pretty much guarantees an interruption."

"We have our phones on; did we miss calls?" she asked as she unzipped McKenzie's jacket.

Jim grabbed both phones and checked them. "No."

"Texts?"

"No; there's nothing. No one called the landline either…we checked the phone to make sure it was working when we got up here."

"I know; you even called my phone from it to make sure it was alright."

"We definitely didn't miss any calls," he replied. "I thought they were in Vermont."

"So did I; although I hadn't heard from her since the day before yesterday I think."

"I guess she didn't want to give advanced notice of a change in plans," Jim remarked.

"We'll take my old room," Kate said as she and Castle carried bags into the house. "I'll put McKenzie's playpen in the room across from us."

"Rockford Files," Castle said as he glanced at the television screen. "That's Christmassey."

"If that offends you," Jim replied; "You should've been here earlier when we were watching Cagey and Lacey."

His son-in-law said nothing, merely huffed a little and followed Kate toward the stairs.

"Katie; I wish you had called," Johanna stated as she got McKenzie's jacket pulled off. "I could've had the rooms ready. I probably need to dust."

"That's okay," Kate said as she started up the stairs. "I'll help you do a quick clean once we have everything in. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"You didn't even call," Castle said sharply. "You dragged me up here and you didn't even call first!"

"I wanted to surprise them," she remarked; "You know; like you were going to surprise Alexis."

"How many times am I going to have to hear about that?"

"You'll stop hearing it when you admit that you were wrong," she retorted.

"Oh my, they're fighting," Johanna said quietly.

"Yes; so they decided to visit us," Jim replied. "Somehow we've suddenly lost control of this vacation."

"Yeah…I'm feeling a little torn about it," she admitted. She was thrilled to see her daughter and granddaughter…but it was a sudden turn of pace after she had already made her peace about how the holiday was going to be.

"Me too," he murmured; "Are we terrible people?"

"No, I don't think so…but if we are, someone will tell us by the end of this holiday," she replied, a touch of amusement in her eyes.

"You're probably right," he said as he wrapped an arm around her.

"MaMaMa!" McKenzie exclaimed before kissing her grandmother's face.

Jim sighed, running his hand over her dark curls. "Up until two minutes ago, kissing her was my job."

McKenzie giggled at him, a small hand reaching out and grabbing his nose, making him laugh. "Welcome back, sweet pea," he told her.

Johanna pressed a kiss against McKenzie's cheek as she listened to her daughter and son-in-law bicker as they made their way back downstairs to get another load from the car. "I think that peaceful thing might be out the window," she whispered to Jim.

He nodded. "Yeah; I'm getting that feeling too."


End file.
